Couseling is a hard thing...
I didn't think too much of couseling when I first started. I was only open to the idea because my wife asked that I go. I had already made up my mind what I wanted to do, or so I thought.
The first sessions were hard because we had to bring up the affair. Unfortunately, this is a must since the person can only help you if they know what happened. The couseling sessions revealed to me a strength that my wife had and that I didn't. I have suffered from bouts of depression and anxiety. I really thought that I had my shit together. I found that I didn't or still don't.
Facing reality is a hard thing to do. I'm getting there now.
Below you'll find something I wrote at one of the emotional bottoms.
1-08-03
Today was bad. There is no other way to put it. I was in a funk all day. My day consisted of trying to make computer work by moving files from one to the other. Noramlly this is something that I could do in an hour. It took me all day.
I believe that I am now officially depressed. I need Prozac or something to make me feel better. I can't believe that I'm still obsessing about this girl. It doesn't make sense. Maybe it is a sense of unfinished business. I know that it is something that will never be finished. That pisses me off.
It is really strange how my wife has maintained and actually gained strength through all of this. I'm so irrational right now that I can't hardly think straight. She has made this and opportunity to change her life for the better. Meanwhile, I feel like I'm spiraling out of control.
I started a weblog that had been going quite well. However, it only serves to remind me of what a mess I'v made of things.
All of my passion for the things in my life are gone. If some one whould have told me that would have happened I would have said that they were crazy. This is my state of mind right now.
I feel tired and depressed, unmotivated to do much of anything. Everything is really suffering right now. This this has me by the balls and I have no idea where it is leading me.
8:24:40 AM 
|
