Panic Attacks
Hey everybody it’s me Scotti,
As you may recall, my girlfriend and I are calling it quits. (I am not getting
into why…maybe next post) She is heading back to North Carolina to her
family. Fifteen years she has been my friend. We have given this relationship
a try 3 times over the years. This time we made it 3 years. And I have to admit
that I love her now just as much as I did 15 years ago. But it is time to say
goodbye. I think this time I am gonna have to end our friendship too. We have
to move on. I believe we have seriously tried being together too many times
without result. So in two weeks I am saying goodbye to a friend of 15 years
and a partner of 3 years.
And honestly, I can barely breathe. My chest feels tight and I feel the panic.
I keep checking my watch to see if time has stopped yet. I feel like an addict.
I can’t get enough of her. She is in my head and has always been. This
is the most bizarre situation I have ever been in. We are still a couple even
though she is packing her stuff. I guess in two weeks we are just going to get
out of bed, have breakfast, and then she will leave. Forever. I may very well
not get out of bed that day. But I love her…
Here is an excerpt from a ‘Counting Crows’ song that I love. I
can’t get this song out of my head either.
Anna begins
She can't stop shaking
I can t stop touching her and.....
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind
“These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering
for days”, she says.
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing
But I'm not going to break
And I'm not going to worry about it anymore
I'm not going to bend. And I'm not going to break and
I'm not going to worry about it anymore
No no no no no,
It seems like I should say, “As long as this is love...”
But it's not all that easy so maybe I should
Snap her up in a butterfly net
Pin her down on a photograph album
I am not worried
I've done this sort of thing before
But then I start to think about the consequences
Because I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...
The time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away and Anna begins to change my mind
And everytime she sneezes I believe it’s love and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing
She’s talking in her sleep
It’s keeping me awake and Anna begins to toss and turn
And every word is nonsense but I understand and
Oh lord. I’m not ready for this sort of thing
Her kindness bangs a gong
It's moving me along and Anna begins to fade away
It’s chasing me away.
She disappears and
Oh lord I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
But I love her…
--Scotti Blue
7:25:55 PM 
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