Saturday, November 4, 2006

Dookie Hoser So Neil Patrick Harris is gay. Glad he finally feels he can admit it, but I'll admit to some surprise on his announcement. My gaydar was too busy tracking down megachurch evangelical ministers and text-happy Republican senators perhaps. One wonders what will happen to the mysoginistic whorehound character Harris currently plays on How I Met Your Mother. Whatever happens, I bet you can't look at this DVD cover the same way ever again. 11:37:39 PM    Say it don't spray it... []

	Tuesday, September 5, 2006

'Crocidile Hunter' Steve Irwin Killed by Stingray A poisonous stingray barb to the heart? Shoot! I had bitten on 'nads by black mamba in the office pool. Oh, come on, it's not like someone who commonly liked to french kiss crocs wasn't going to go tits up before his time. What's perhaps most disturbing is Australian Prime Minister John Howard saying Irwin died in "quintessentially Australian circumstances." Welcome to the land six feet down under. 11:55:01 AM    Say it don't spray it... []

	Friday, July 28, 2006

Tour de France Winner Floyd Landis Fails Drug Test Apparently he tested positive for elevated levels of testosterone. Well, of course he did. He has one more ball than the guy who won it the last seven times. Besides, if I just kicked ass in a 2,000 mile bike ride, I'd need my cajones carted around in a wheelbarrow too. 8:44:51 AM    Say it don't spray it... []

	Thursday, July 27, 2006

Ann Coulter Calls Clinton a 'Latent Homosexual' All because she's the one woman he wouldn't sleep with. Ann, we hope all these desperate calls for attention aren't collect. 2:25:03 PM    Say it don't spray it... []

	Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Lance Bass of 'N Sync Admits He's Gay World lets out collective "Tell me something I don't know." 2:24:22 PM    Say it don't spray it... []

	Wednesday, July 5, 2006

Lay Down (And Stay Down) Enron founder and Chief Executive Plunderer, Kenneth Lay, died of an apparent heart attack today. So after the millions swindled and thousands of lives ruined, he still manages to escape jail time. However, a spokesman for Satan reported a surge in Hell's stock price by the close of trading today. 7:13:11 PM    Say it don't spray it... []

	Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Government Reports Fewer Hunger Strikers at Gitmo Yeah. That's a problem that just sort of takes care of itself over time, doesn't it? 5:12:59 PM    Say it don't spray it... []

	Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Rapper DMX Arrested After Incident On Flight To London Here's a hip-flop act so desperate for some street cred after pairing with Steven Segal that the best he can do is stir up a ruckus by not fastening his seatbelt in the first-class cabin. "Yo, bitch! Ain't no ho can tell me what to do! And I said I wanted the whole can of Fresca! Don't make me have my assistant tell my lawyer to bust a strongly worded letter in yo supervisor's ass. Check it, yo!" Apparently this isn't the first time he's had an airport altercation. In 2004, DMX was busted at JFK after impersonating an FBI agent and trying to steal a car. 4:07:28 PM    Say it don't spray it... []

	Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Cruise Birth Control Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' daughter Suri was born Tuesday under Scientology's strict "silent birth" guidelines. Unfortuantely, those rules don't apply to the media who can't seem to SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE WHOLE THING ALREADY!! 11:15:03 AM    Say it don't spray it... []

	Wednesday, April 5, 2006

PORN STAR MARKETS NEW WINE Porn star Savanna Samson is used to people using phrases like 'full-bodied' and 'excellent mouth feel' around her. But the star of over two dozen skin flicks is turning her eyes on the wine market and has just released her Songo Uno wine. Some of the other varieties you'll be double-decanting soon include: Boobjolais Penis Noir Mer-load Cabernet Cummingon Bordellaux Shirazz He-Sheanti Cockring Reisling Chardon-lay Gewurztraminer AssMasters 32 Bottoms up! 3:26:57 PM    Say it don't spray it... []

	Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Stallone to Star in Sixth 'Rocky' Movie Rocky VI begins shooting in Las Vegas and Philly next year. Stallone will star, write and direct the film. I didn't know you could get real brain damage from taking fake punches. Rocky VII will, of course, be when Rock dies in the ring and is forced to battle Satan for his soul in the afterlife. 9:38:07 AM    Say it don't spray it... []

	Thursday, September 8, 2005

Bush Declares War on Stratosphere In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, President Bush delcared war on the earth's stratosphere, where the deadly storm was found to have first been formed. "Not only has this rouge layer of the atmosphere attacked the innocent people of the United States, our intelligence reports that it has the potential to create other storms that could be directed at American soil." the President read off a teleprompter in an address last evening. "Scientists have discovered wind and droplets of water in the stratosphere--both elements crucial in the formation of these storms that can cause mass destruction." The President plans to send National Guard members from Louisiana up "in really high planes" to invade the stratosphere and install a more peaceful weather system. 12:17:40 PM    Say it don't spray it... []

	Thursday, August 18, 2005

Walken Running Christopher Walken is apparently considering entering the race for President in 2008. Check it out at www.walken2008.com. I've always thought that what this country needs is more cowbell. 4:20:30 PM    Say it don't spray it... []

	Monday, August 15, 2005

President Bush Taking Five Week Vacation at Texas Ranch When informed about this, a friend commented that if he has the most important job in the world, he deserves lots of time off. My response was "No. If you've got the most important job in the world you should have less vacation time than some assisstant file clerk." Game. Set. Match. 9:36:51 PM    Say it don't spray it... []

© Copyright 2007 Scott Jorgensen. Last update: 1/4/07; 9:05:08 AM.