Scott Jorgensen: Neatly Clipped From Today's Headlines

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 05:37:39 GMT

Dookie Hoser
So Neil Patrick Harris is gay. Glad he finally feels he can admit it, but I'll admit to some surprise on his announcement. My gaydar was too busy tracking down megachurch evangelical ministers and text-happy Republican senators perhaps. One wonders what will happen to the mysoginistic whorehound character Harris currently plays on How I Met Your Mother. Whatever happens, I bet you can't look at this DVD cover the same way ever again.

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 17:55:01 GMT

'Crocidile Hunter' Steve Irwin Killed by Stingray
A poisonous stingray barb to the heart? Shoot! I had bitten on 'nads by black mamba in the office pool. Oh, come on, it's not like someone who commonly liked to french kiss crocs wasn't going to go tits up before his time. What's perhaps most disturbing is Australian Prime Minister John Howard saying Irwin died in "quintessentially Australian circumstances." Welcome to the land six feet down under.

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 14:44:51 GMT

Tour de France Winner Floyd Landis Fails Drug Test
Apparently he tested positive for elevated levels of testosterone. Well, of course he did. He has one more ball than the guy who won it the last seven times. Besides, if I just kicked ass in a 2,000 mile bike ride, I'd need my cajones carted around in a wheelbarrow too.

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 20:25:03 GMT

Ann Coulter Calls Clinton a 'Latent Homosexual'
All because she's the one woman he wouldn't sleep with. Ann, we hope all these desperate calls for attention aren't collect.

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 20:24:22 GMT

Lance Bass of 'N Sync Admits He's Gay
World lets out collective "Tell me something I don't know."

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 01:13:11 GMT

Lay Down (And Stay Down)
Enron founder and Chief Executive Plunderer, Kenneth Lay, died of an apparent heart attack today. So after the millions swindled and thousands of lives ruined, he still manages to escape jail time. However, a spokesman for Satan reported a surge in Hell's stock price by the close of trading today.

Tue, 20 Jun 2006 23:12:59 GMT

Government Reports Fewer Hunger Strikers at Gitmo
Yeah. That's a problem that just sort of takes care of itself over time, doesn't it?

Tue, 16 May 2006 22:07:28 GMT

Rapper DMX Arrested After Incident On Flight To London

Here's a hip-flop act so desperate for some street cred after pairing with Steven Segal that the best he can do is stir up a ruckus by not fastening his seatbelt in the first-class cabin. "Yo, bitch! Ain't no ho can tell me what to do! And I said I wanted the whole can of Fresca! Don't make me have my assistant tell my lawyer to bust a strongly worded letter in yo supervisor's ass. Check it, yo!"

Apparently this isn't the first time he's had an airport altercation. In 2004, DMX was busted at JFK after impersonating an FBI agent and trying to steal a car.

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:15:03 GMT

Cruise Birth Control

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' daughter Suri was born Tuesday under Scientology's strict "silent birth" guidelines. Unfortuantely, those rules don't apply to the media who can't seem to SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE WHOLE THING ALREADY!!

Wed, 05 Apr 2006 21:26:57 GMT

PORN STAR MARKETS NEW WINE

Porn star Savanna Samson is used to people using phrases like 'full-bodied' and 'excellent mouth feel' around her. But the star of over two dozen skin flicks is turning her eyes on the wine market and has just released her Songo Uno wine. Some of the other varieties you'll be double-decanting soon include:

Boobjolais
Penis Noir
Mer-load
Cabernet Cummingon
Bordellaux
Shirazz
He-Sheanti
Cockring Reisling
Chardon-lay
Gewurztraminer AssMasters 32

Bottoms up!

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 15:38:07 GMT

Stallone to Star in Sixth 'Rocky' Movie
Rocky VI begins shooting in Las Vegas and Philly next year. Stallone will star, write and direct the film. I didn't know you could get real brain damage from taking fake punches. Rocky VII will, of course, be when Rock dies in the ring and is forced to battle Satan for his soul in the afterlife.

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 18:17:40 GMT

Bush Declares War on Stratosphere
In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, President Bush delcared war on the earth's stratosphere, where the deadly storm was found to have first been formed. "Not only has this rouge layer of the atmosphere attacked the innocent people of the United States, our intelligence reports that it has the potential to create other storms that could be directed at American soil." the President read off a teleprompter in an address last evening. "Scientists have discovered wind and droplets of water in the stratosphere--both elements crucial in the formation of these storms that can cause mass destruction."
The President plans to send National Guard members from Louisiana up "in really high planes" to invade the stratosphere and install a more peaceful weather system.

Thu, 18 Aug 2005 22:20:30 GMT

Walken Running
Christopher Walken is apparently considering entering the race for President in 2008. Check it out at www.walken2008.com.
I've always thought that what this country needs is more cowbell.

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 03:36:51 GMT

President Bush Taking Five Week Vacation at Texas Ranch
When informed about this, a friend commented that if he has the most important job in the world, he deserves lots of time off. My response was "No. If you've got the most important job in the world you should have less vacation time than some assisstant file clerk." Game. Set. Match.

Wed, 20 Jul 2005 19:18:13 GMT

Star Trek's 'Scotty', James Doohan, Dead at 85
Potential last words include: "Set phasers to eternal rest." "But, but, I can't be killed. I'm not wearing a red shirt." "I actually thought Picard was a better captain." "I still canna change the laws of physics." "Hand me that Twinkie." "Beam me up, Jesus."

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 16:16:39 GMT

Billy Graham Goes on Last Crusade and Drinks From Wrong Grail

You have chosen...poorly.

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 15:18:17 GMT

North Korea Calls Cheney a 'Bloodthirsty Beast'
Cheney took immediate offense, claiming there was no need for the 'quote marks'.

Fri, 20 May 2005 15:40:16 GMT

Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring Fight
There is nothing I can say about this that would make it any weirder. Check it out here.

Wed, 04 May 2005 14:10:25 GMT

Runaway Bride, Jennifer Wilkins, Gets Ring Back From Fiancé
Let's see, your wife fakes her abduction to get out of your wedding and then leaves you twisting in the wind as the top suspect. And you give her the ring back. I think the balloting for 'P-Whippee of the Year' can be closed. Beyond the inevitable book and Lifetime mini-series, herein lies the makings of a great new reality series: Runaway Bride. It combines a bit of The Bachelorette and Amazing Race. A prospective bride takes off and it's up to a group of potential suitors to hunt her down on a cross-country, corporate logo-filled adventure and win her over with a proposal. Ahhhhh, just like mom and dad did.

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 22:35:13 GMT

Bush Governement Pledges $3 Million to Promote Democracy in Iran
This is being touted as a 'huge breakthrough' the same day former President Clinton announces his foundation is pledging $10 million to fight AIDS/HIV in over ten countries.
By the way, the 2004 elections cost around $3.9 billion dollars. And that's for a democracy that's been established for over two centuries. And we still couldn't elect the right guy.

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 19:26:17 GMT

Johnnie Cochran Dies
Rumor has it he offed himself so he could defend Terri Shiavo in the afterlife. I'd bring a pair of shorts and some SPF 3000 sunblock if I were you, Johnnie C. By the way, you can read Terri Shiavo's blog here.

Fri, 01 Apr 2005 15:56:54 GMT

Pope John Paul's Health Declines; Receives Last Rites
Shouldn't the Pope already be a shoe-in for the Pearly Gates? I mean, if even he needs Last Rites to make sure, I think I'm boned.

Tue, 22 Mar 2005 14:37:50 GMT

House Committee Investigating Steroid Abuse in Major League Baseball
The House Committee on Government Reform has decided to subpoena several baseball stars to testify about steroid abuse in their sport. This has been an obvious problem for some time now, so why the sudden rush to condemn? My guess is the members of the House Committee on Government Reform just wanted a little attention. If the responsibilities of your Committee were as riveting as Federalism and the Census, Federal Workforce and Agency Organization or Regulatory Affairs, you'd be bored off your ass too. Plus, the members of the Committee are hardly household names, let alone Household names: Thomas Davis (Va), Brian Higgins (NY), Todd Russell-Platts (Pa), Virginia Foxx (NC). Who are these people? Do you have any of them on your Fantasy Legislation League? I doubt it. I mean, the FAQ section of the Committee's website is totally blank. That's sad. They were probably at a pub one night, complaining about how fat the CSPAN cameras make them look or why the Senate Finance Committee gets all the attention when their Chairman, Thomas Davis, had an idea to get some major ink. "Hey, let's investigate steroid use in baseball. Everyone knows it's going on, so it's not like we have to do any investigating. Dude, we could so get on Tim Russert. Plus, with D.C. getting a ball team this year, we can, like, score some sweet tickets! High five!" Watch for the Hearings on Silicon Abuse in Porn Stars coming very very soon.

Thu, 24 Feb 2005 01:30:54 GMT

No Blacks on Michael Jackson Trial Jury
Well, we are guaranteed a trial by our peers.
Actually, is there any one out there who is this guy's peer?

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 22:25:00 GMT

Kobe Bryant Called as Character Witness in Michael Jackson Trial
Your Honor, the prosecution rests.