Scott Jorgensen: World's Coolest Uncle

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 20:26:15 GMT

If you're gonna kill it, you better be ready to eat it.

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 16:58:02 GMT

If you're gonna make hay while the sun shines, make love while it's raining.

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 20:13:02 GMT

Smoking after sex isn't cool. Giving a 'high five' even less so.

Thu, 18 May 2006 00:07:05 GMT

Louder does not equal righter.

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 14:59:53 GMT

Love is grand. Divorce is about a hundred grand.

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 20:04:39 GMT

If you're renting ice time for hockey, goalies play for free.

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 04:21:20 GMT

Don't let a win go to your head or a loss to your heart.

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 01:48:57 GMT

Blood is thicker than water. But then, so is vomit.

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 16:29:54 GMT

They say we spend our youth obtaining wealth and our wealth obtaining youth. Don't be one of those people. Now go acquire your uncle a beer from that cooler.

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 03:09:18 GMT

You never lose a fight you walk away from.

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 15:40:32 GMT

The only people wearing sunglasses inside or after dark should be blind blues musicians and superheros who can't control the laser beams shooting from their eyes.

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 00:12:18 GMT

Not all babies, brides and puppies are cute. (But you sure as hell better say they are.)

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 17:24:14 GMT

Don't spend more time waiting for a closer parking spot than it takes to walk from one that's available.

Thu, 18 Aug 2005 21:42:11 GMT

If you're wondering whether a running lawnmower will continue running if you pull the wire off the spark plug, the answer is 'no'. At least it wasn't running when I regained consciousness.

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 17:31:26 GMT

Never trust a warm spot in a swimming pool.

Mon, 11 Jul 2005 23:37:31 GMT

Try to get married on your wife's birthday. Then you only have one date to remember.

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 05:03:22 GMT

Avoid lawyers like the plague. Come to think of it, avoid the plague too.

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 19:18:09 GMT

If you can't say something nice about someone, whisper it.

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 15:22:14 GMT

You don't really want a swimming pool. What you really want is a friend who has a swimming pool.

Thu, 26 May 2005 23:01:10 GMT

Check for toilet paper before you sit down.

Fri, 13 May 2005 14:50:44 GMT

Thou shalt not address a woman as 'dude'.

Fri, 29 Apr 2005 19:41:28 GMT

Check for toilet paper before you sit down in the stall.

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 13:28:14 GMT

Don't confuse conviction with correctness.

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 17:57:52 GMT

Never tuck anything into sweatpants.

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 15:56:59 GMT

Being tactful is learning how to describe others as they see themselves.