WHERE DO WE KICK ASS NEXT?
Part 2 in an occasional series
Now that Iraq has been dispatched and Syria is being settled into the gunsights of the current administration, it is time to ask, where next? What other country or entity threatens American security so blatantly that only "preemptive deterrence" can restore the natural order?
After having thought long and hard about this, we here at the Monster Limo Weblog propose that America's greatest foe is not Islamist fanatic network Al Qaeda nor even the nuclear Stalinists of North Korea: Rather, our enemy is an enemy that has plagued mankind from its very beginnings.
That is why we are urging President Bush to destroy the Sun.
Don't be fooled by images of a happy sun bringing light and warmth to the earth: according to the latest research, this galactic bully occupies 99.8 percent of the solar system's total mass, leaving a paltry .2 percent to be shared among nine very different planets.
Not content with this imperialism, the core temperature of the sun is so hot (roughly 22.5 million degrees Fahrenheit, according to NASA) that nuclear reactions occasionally take place there - in other words, the sun does not only POSSESS weapons of mass destruction, but it is a WMD itself! Proof of this insane evil is shown in the fact that, despite occupying such a large percentage of the solar system's mass, there are currently NO human beings alive on the sun - not even Saddam Hussein was villainous enough to wipe out all life in Iraq!
Furthermore, the sun is a destabilizing force in the solar system, directing much of its ferocious ultraviolet energy at key US allies like Israel, according to this report on sudden cardiac deaths related to high temperatures there. True, Syria supports the Hezbollah guerrillas in Southern Lebanon, but even they have never stooped so low!
But the sun doesn't only attack vulnerable US allies in the Middle East: Like Al Qaeda, but on a far larger scale, the sun has brought its fanatical war on freedom to our very shores in the USA. According to this terrifying report, skin cancer rates in the US are rising, skin cancer is the leading form of cancer, and 90 percent of skin cancer cases are attributable to prolonged exposure to ultraviolet rays. More than one million new cases of melanoma are diagnosed in the US every year; and it gets worse. According to this article (brace yourselves), among the most vulnerable to the harsh effects of sunlight, are. . . our children. Yes, this insane ball of hateful killing in the sky has taken pains to target our most precious valuable resource.
For the sake of national security, international peace and prosperity, and the health of generations yet unborn, we beg you, Mr. President: Please, destroy the sun. Now, before it is too late. -Consider Sunscreen
2:24:20 PM 
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