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Friday, May 09, 2003 |
TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Here in America, we give out medals like Pez.
Could I Have My Paycheck in Euros, Please? More economic good news for President Flight Suit: The euro has hit a four-year high against the dollar, and is now worth just over $1.15. What this means, in terms simple enough for economic laypersons to understand, is that we are totally going to war with Syria.
Tony Did It All for the Medals! Well, his party may have been obliterated in local and regional elections, but Britain's Prime Minister is getting the next best thing to political longevity: a shiny new medal! Tony Blair is going to be only the second Briton to receive the "prestigious" Congressional Gold Medal for his "outstanding and enduring contributions to maintaining security of all freedom-loving nations." Yes, I guess that means the war in Iraq. This "high honor" (which I have never heard of until now) has also been won by Mandela, Churchill, Mother Theresa, and Pope John Paul II. Note that none of those other people won the award for starting an unprovoked war of aggression.
Like Chocolate and Peanut Butter, the Defense Department and Foreign Policy are Two Great Tastes that Taste Great Together State Department officials are calling the gradual usurpation of their function by Rummy & Co. "a military coup." I would be upset about this, but I am too busy getting excited over seeing our president fly a jet!
Today's Lesson: Spying on Kids is Good for America After criticizing President Flight Suit during class, two Oakland High School students were interrogated by the Secret Service. Who ratted them out? Their teacher. The two students asked to have legal counsel or their parents present, but were told "you have no legal rights." This heartwarming story of hands-on pedagogy, familiar to anyone who grew up in East Germany between 1948 and 1989, is exactly why I'm glad I am no longer in high school...
The Taliban: Tanned, Rested, Ready Who's that, now? I thought we beat these guys way back in the dark ages, before unilateral pre-emption became official government policy. Let's sum up: The only difference between Afghanistan today and Afghanistan on September 10, 2001 is that now there is a low-level civil war raging across most of the country, instead of just the northwest. Also, there are about 5,000 Western "peacekeepers" nervously hunkered down in Kabul. Please excuse me while I conduct my own victory parade outside my job, rapturously throwing confetti in the air and, as per the suggestion of Jay Garner, thumping my chest and saying "Damn! I'm American!" (he really said that!)
- Consider Arms
12:49:44 PM 
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More "Head"-lines!! (BA-DUM CRASH!)
Health Czar Warns Fast Food Industry You're the one for me, fatty! The very Hip-Hop named Secretary of Health and Human Services, Tommy Thompson, warned that his office may single out certain fast food companies if they do not make efforts to provide healthier fare to customers. Thompson pointed out that nearly 2 out of 3 adult Americans, and 15% of children, are overweight or obese. I'm going to celebrate this announcement with another trip to the all-you-can-eat buffet at the Sizzler!
Study Says at Age 26 Americans Are Considered Grown-Up Well, I was having a good day until I found out that I'm failing miserably at five of the seven transitions into adulthood that the University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center survey indicates as essential. Don't I get any points for a double-digit sneaker collection and an almost preternatural knowledge of "Three Stooges" movies?
- M.C. No Shame
11:42:10 AM
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Occupying Powers Ready to Bleed Oil Money from Iraq The new plan "envisions the United States and Britain running the country as ‘occupying powers’ for at least a year and probably much longer, a limited role for the United Nations, and Iraq’s oil money financing the country’s reconstruction." Things are looking better for Halliburton’s bottom line all the time. It’s funny that, despite the fact that we have brought democracy, freedom and Burger King to their country, the Iraqis are still unappreciative, spoiled little crybabies. Apparently, they want the U.N. in charge of the oil money. Why are they so scared of their liberators?
Tax Cuts Stimulate Economy, Create Jobs, Safely and Naturally Grow Your Penis Well, not really, but the Republicans are trying anyway. Despite opposition criticism that the tax cuts are targeted solely at the wealthy, the latest version of the $550 billion plan is clearly aimed at the two largest groups of GOP supporters: in addition to the dividend tax cut and others for the wealthy, this draft contains the cutting of taxes on "alcohol sales, gunsmiths, archery products and betting on horse races," meaning that the undereducated, slack-jawed yokels – the Daryl Worley Republicans – are being counted, too.
Free Trade is the Whipped Cream of Liberty on the Hot Fudge Sundae of Freedom Sure, free trade, lifting of sanctions, reconstruction projects, U.S. control of Iraq’s oil for the rebuilding of the country and tax cuts all sound great if you don’t think about them too hard. How can there be a downside to free trade? It is ‘free’ after all. Well, there is one unfortunate downside: lower back pain in Bush campaign contributors due to unchecked expansion of wallet size.
- Marcus-Marcus
9:52:46 AM
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© Copyright 2003 Monster Limo Organization.
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