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Monday, January 05, 2004 |
I Think You Need To Hear God Telling You To Shut The Fuck Up Late last week, Pat Robertson told viewers of his "700 Club" program on the Christian Broadcasting Network that God told him that President Bush will be re-elected in a landslide. "I really believe I'm hearing from the Lord it's going to be like a blowout election in 2004. The Lord has just blessed him... It doesn't make any difference what he does, good or bad, God picks him up because he's a man of prayer and God's blessing him." Pat also believes that the attacks on 9-11 were a punishment from God for America's support of abortion and homosexuality. And in a very Osama-esque moment Pat has also claimed that "Babylon, mother of harlots" refers to New York City, Hollywood, or "other powerful cities in the United States that have exported our immorality to the world."
Jokers To The Left Of Me, Jokers To The Right, The Far Far Right Last week, President Bush was sent a public manifesto by some of Washington's top hawks - including Richard Perle - presented as a "manual for victory" in the "war on terror." Childishly entitled "An End to Evil," the plan calls for the overthrow of Syria and Iran, pre-emptive strikes against North Korea, and treating Saudi Arabia and France as possible enemies of the US, at one point stating that, "We should force European governments to choose between Paris and Washington." Are these people 11-year old boys playing some gigantic game of Risk?
A Judicial Ronaldo Scores A Histrionic Goal Of Misspeak The US has just required photographing and fingerprinting of visitors from all but 28 foreign countries. In response, a judge from Brazil (not one of those exempt 28) named Julier Sebastiao da Silva has made the order to photograph and fingerprint US citizens as they enter Brazil. In a temper tantrum freak-out that sadly missed the deadline for 2003's "News of the Weird", da Silvia called the US policy "absolutely brutal... and worthy of the worst horrors committed by the Nazis." But dude, the worst horror of the Nazis was the murdering of 6 million Jews in concentration camps. You don't think that's a little worse than taking someone's picture? Not even the nutcases at BuzzFlash would agree with that (even if you could put it into a cute rhyme).
Dioxins For Victory! Years ago, a wonderful book about the insane public relations industry carried the title "Toxic Sludge is Good for You!" Who would have thought that a few years later that joke would come true? "Revolutionary" research is pushing the idea of "hormesis," the theory that humans actually need small amounts of poison in their diets. If this crackpot idea gains any credibility you can count on environmental regulations getting demolished in the name of science and public health. Giggle and recall in horror at our favorite morons at WorldNet Daily as you read comparisons of ingesting toxins to jogging and such gems as "But thanks in part to (scientists) Calabrese and Baldwin (thinking outside the box), that box now has been broken wide open and good news is spilling all over the ground. It is a toxic spill with which we all can learn to live."
-The Sikh Geek, sprinking arscenic on my spaghetti right now
9:44:50 AM 
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BEST MOVIE
Consider Arms "The Weather Underground"
Sikh Geek Tie: "The Last Samurai" and "Lost in Translation"
Little Joey Murder Tie: "Return of the King" and "Akarui Mirai"
Marcus-Marcus "American Splendor," if only for the scene in which "Revenge of the Nerds" is compared to Martin Luther King’s March on Washington
M.C. No Shame "Lost in Translation"
BEST ALBUM
CA The Weakerthans, "Reconstruction Site"
SG Rainer Maria, "Long Knives Drawn" While their emo/indie peers got self-absorbed, irrelevant or just unlistenable, Rainer Maria released their best effort: driving, soft and gorgeous. My favorite break-up soundtrack by far.
LJM The Mars Volta, "de-loused in the crematorium" – described, harrowingly as "prog-rock." I’d have to say, even though some of the songs range from 8 minutes of senseless noise to 2 minutes of structured madness, this album, a concept album about the visions a friend had while in a drug induced coma from a suicide attempt, is easily the best album I bought all year. It’s so good it hurts my insides.
MM Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Fever to Tell"
MCNS Gillian Welch, "Soul Journey." Nick Drake finally has an heir.
BEST SONG
CA "Hey Ya!" by OutKast
SG "In Da Club" by 50 Cent
LJM "The End I Saw in an Instant" by Envy
MM "No One Knows" by Queens of the Stone Age
BEST TV MOMENT
CA The seminar episode of "The Office," when, in the midst of role-playing about customer service, David Brent exclaims, "I think there's been a rape up there!"
SG "The Simple Life" on Fox and "Rich Girls" on MTV. Mocking the retarded rich was never so entertaining, and I’m left convinced the two shows are part of a covert class warfare effort.
LJM Now, I have lived in Japan almost the whole year so I don’t see any TV that isn’t either Japanese or old. So my favorite TV moment is apparently season 2 of the sopranos.
MM "Arrested Development" on Fox is the first laugh-out-loud funny show on TV in years.
MCNS Any episode of "CSI." It’s the only reason I started watching TV again.
BEST SPORTS MOMENT
CA Hard to choose, but I'll go with Donovan McNabb and the Philadelphia Eagles looking damn near unstoppable this year, nicely proving again what a racist, ignorant fathead Rush Limbaugh is.
SG The Lennox Lewis-Vitali Klitschko heavyweight title fight, where Klitschko came out of nowhere and surprised everyone (including Lewis) by giving an amazing and gutsy performance.
LJM The Red Sox lose to the Yankees to once again not make the World Series.
MM The Red Sox’s Derek Lowe strikes out the final two batters in the 9th inning of the fifth game of the ALDS with a kick-ass backdoor sinker.
MCNS Watching the Red Sox fulfill their destiny once again. Their destiny to be losers that is.
WORST SPORTS MOMENT
CA Game 5, Cubs-Marlins. It still hurts.
SG The referee ending the Lewis-Klitschko bout early giving Lewis a cheap technical win and ruining one of the most exciting fights in recent memory.
LJM The Yankees once again lose the world series.
MM Grady Fucking Little, Aaron Fucking Boone. Fuck you, Little Joey Murder.
MCNS Even I was furious with that Cub’s fan…and I hate sports!
BEST CELEBRITY MOMENT
CA Michael Jackson showing up at his congressional district office wearing a Spiderman mask and demanding to know why there isn't a Taco Bell near his Neverland Ranch.
SG Madonna trying to convert Missy Elliot to Kaballah on the set of their GAP commercial.
LJM I have no real known celebrity moments but I have been able to get the secret code names of all the celebrities who stayed at the Four Seasons hotel in Tokyo. So potentially, I could have talked to Britney Spears or Toby Maguire or Beckham but really, who would want to?
MM Bruce Willis asking for "four seconds alone" with Saddam Hussein. What could anybody – even bad boy cop John McClaine – do in four seconds? What would he want to do? My guess? Tongue kissing.
MCNS Martha Stewart sweating out a possible jail bid.
BEST INTERNET MOMENT
CA The "meet the White House" feature on the official web site, for the "forum" in which Chief of Staff Andrew Card kept hyper-actively typing, "We need the biggest tax cut possible!!!!!" no matter what the question was.
SG The Star Wars Kid. Some poor overweight kid from Quebec videotapes himself trying out light saber moves with an old golf ball retriever. His "friends" steal the tape and post it on KaZaa where someone adds digital effects and it is downloaded over 2 million times in a month. http://www.jedimaster.net/
LJM The Total Information Awareness website pretty much takes the cake for anything. It’s like a conspiracy theorist’s wet dream.
MM Petitions and blacklists posted on right-wing websites with the names of celebrities who opposed the war in Iraq.
MCNS The RIAA suing a 12-year-old girl for downloading music.
BEST MOMENT IN RELIGION
CA The head of the Southern Baptist Convention saying that the Prophet Mohammed was "a demon-obsessed pedophile." Peace be upon him.
SG The amazing devotion demonstrated by thousands of Shi’a Muslims when they walked for days across the desert in the middle of a war to finally visit the tomb of Ali.
LJM They finally finished prosecuting those AUM cultists who gassed the subways. Which a nickname like "killing machine" why would you even try to defend yourself?
MM Pat Robertson openly praying on the 700 Club for the deaths of the liberal Supreme Court justices.
MCNS The Blessed Virgin shows up in the darndest places; in tree knots, condensation on hospital windows, and water stains on church ceilings. But when people in Coogee Beach, Australia started seeing Our Lady in a fence post (but only at a certain angle between 3-5pm) I knew why I gave up on religion years ago.
DUMBEST POLITICAL MOVE
CA Joe Lieberman's spiteful, small-minded attempt to be a spoiler for Howard Dean. Lieberman can't win, so he's trying to ensure that no other Democrat wins.
SG California recall. Hands down.
LJM President Flightsuit lands on an aircraft carrier claiming the war is finished. Months and scores more deaths later, Iraq is still not the Democratic Utopia that was promised.
MM Wesley Clark jumping back and forth about whether he would have voted for the resolution about the Iraq War immediately upon entering the race, exhibiting all of the frightened wishy-washy posturing of most prominent Democrats.
MCNS Ralph Nader even considering a run in 2004.
MOST DESERVING OF A BITCH SLAP FROM GOD
CA People who claim that God has chosen George Bush to be our president because of his special leadership qualities.
SG The entire congregation of a Syracuse church that raised bail money for Timothy Lucie, after he admitted to raping his 11 year-old daughter who then committed suicide. The District Attorney said it best, "I really don't know what it takes to get people outraged these days."
LJM Reverend Phelps and his "godhatesfags" contingent pretty much should get this award every year until an actual hand of god comes down and smacks the hell out of him.
MM Sean Hannity is perhaps the world’s most underrated right-wing idiot fuckhead. He can be more inflammatory than Ann Coulter and he’s dumber than a sack of potatoes.
MCNS The Palestinians and the Israelis. Stop acting like God is your real estate agent.
MOST DISTRESSING SIGN OF THE COMING APOCALYPSE
CA Talking Ann Coulter dolls.
SG The house in India that was oozing blood from one of its walls. I don’t know much about the book of Revelation, but when shit from Ghostbusters starts to happen, I get nervous.
LJM The sheer number of people who supported freedom fries and boycotts against the French and Germans. If not a sign of the coming Apocalypse, it’s at least a sign of coming stupidity.
MM The ascension to the seat of governor of the world’s most powerful nation’s most populous state by a man whose former career involved pretending to be a robot from the future, pretending to be a secret agent on Mars and pretending to be a pregnant man.
MCNS Bush’s dubious connections to Bible-code beating, Christian fundamentalists who support Israel in an effort to bring about The Rapture.
MOST DISTRESSING SIGN THAT AMERICA HAS LOST ITS FREAKING MIND
CA I would have to say the fact that Congress actually renamed the French fries in its cafeteria, now calling them "freedom fries."
SG The mother of a 4 year-old child telling me that she refused to take her daughter to the Quebecois Cirque du Soleil because she wasn’t going to support the French.
LJM The thought of amending the constitution to outlaw gay marriage is pretty much a sign that people have lost their mind. if that goes through you might as well sign in amendments that prevent people from eating chocolate pudding on Friday or make it constitutionally illegal to wear shoes while sleeping in a bed.
MM The steamrollering of Dixie Chicks CDs because of comments made about the president onstage. Criticizing the President?! Oh, the horror!!
MCNS The guy in Winsted, CT who wrapped his entire house in plastic after the February terror warning from Tom Ridge.
20 YEARS IN THE FUTURE THIS THING FROM 2003 WILL MAKE US CRINGE
CA The big story this year is that the country is no longer run by people who are, emotionally or intellectually, grown-ups. There are a million indicators of this, ranging from "freedom fries" and the "Freedom Tower" to the flap over the Pledge of Allegiance, the spiteful treatment of countries that didn't participate in the war against Iraq, and the reduction of our public discourse to meaningless tantrums and slogans. It's like the ruling class is composed entirely of hateful junior high school students.
SG The PATRIOT Act and its Trojan-horsed sequel. Although we’ll be cringing in detention camps.
LJM What can I say that hasn’t been said? Really the horrible mishandling of the economy this year is quite evident. Let’s look at this. The Euro used to have parity with the dollar, now it’s worth about 20% more than the dollar. At the current rate, the Euro will be worth twice as much as the dollar in 5 years. That would coincide nicely with a bush reelection. Coincidence?
MM A media climate in which salvos like "It’s better to be a spokeswoman for Bush than a foot soldier for Al Qaeda" can be tossed about and it seems normal.
MCNS The continued detention of Muslim-Americans (none of whom were ever charged with a crime) caught up in the post-9/11 witch hunt.
LEAST FAVORITE RIGHT WING PUNDIT
CA In an incredibly crowded field, David Brooks. Not only is he a right-wing hatemonger, but he's a right-wing hatemonger cloaked in respectability by the inept New York Times.
SG Bill O’Reilly. Shut up already.
LJM Ann Coulter, nothing gets under my skin more than someone who has terribly uninformed views, blatantly lies and thinks she’s hot even though she looks like a Greek statue of a man with a wig on.
MM Campus Conservatives, as a group. They have the qualities it takes to be a top notch right-wing pundit: they’re uninformed, immature, simple-minded, etc., and they live in an environment of privilege that makes reconciling their abhorrent world views with real life totally unnecessary.
MCNS Ann Coulter. She should drink that bottle of bleach instead of putting it in her hair.
FAVORITE 2003 PASTIME
CA New York Times bashing. Jayson Blair, Rick Bragg, Judith Miller, and David Brooks. What a year, Mr. Sulzberger!
SG Watching 2 fast-2 furious-2xtreme modified Honda Civics and wondering "Why dear God? Why?"
LJM Finding and cataloging the various statued forms of Bishamonten throughout Japan. Why Bishamonten you ask? Me too.
MM Tuning into Fox News during the prime time line up (Bill O’Reilly, Hannity & Colmes) and counting the seconds before somebody says something stupid and/or offensive.
MCNS Wondering where "Freedom Fries" will pop up next.
2003 FIGURES MOST LIKELY TO BE POORLY-REMEMBERED ANSWERS TO TRIVIAL PURSUIT QUESTIONS IN 10 YEARS:
Jayson Blair, Scott Peterson, Jessica Lynch, Daryl Worley, the Iraqi Information Minister, that 13-year-old kid who signed a multimillion dollar soccer contract (see? we've forgotten already!) – Consider Arms
2003 WORDS AND PHRASES
"decapitation strike," "Operation Iraqi Freedom," "embeds," "Shake it like a Polaroid picture," "mobile WMD labs," "yellowcake," "spider hole" – Consider Arms
9:37:37 AM
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© Copyright 2004 Monster Limo Organization.
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