The glorified stump speech delivered last night as a "State of the Union" address offered little beyond the promise that war, recession, and state repression will continue unabated until people regain their senses and throw Bush and his gang out of the White House.
Aside from that, though, there was lots of Bush's trademark unintentional humor. Let's wade in up to our armpits, shall we?
THE NIGHT'S LEAST SURPRISING SURPRISE: The missing weapons of mass destruction. Or, to be more precise, the missing "weapons of mass destruction-related program activities," which is what we are now pretending we were afraid of all along. As the invaluable FactCheck.org points out, the missing weapons were the elephant in the room.
THE LEAST VALUABLE PLAYER: Tom Brady, New England Patriots quarterback. Brady, normally the ballast aboard the Patriots' winning defense, was playing a familiar role during the speech last night: Window dressing. Specifically, Brady was there to lend support to Bush's bizarre and pointless call for major league sports to prohibit drug use (they already do), but a "source close to him" says that Brady has now thrown his support behind Bush, finding that the unelected drunk driver has "demonstrated real leadership." Suddenly, I feel an overwhelming urge to root for the Panthers.
THE PROMISE MOST LIKELY TO GAIN TALIBAN SUPPORT: That's right, it's public funding of religion! Since the U.S. Constitution forbids Congress from making any law "respecting an establishment of religion," we can't have an official state religion like those lucky duckies in Iran. However, we can do the next best thing: give billions of tax dollars to religious groups for services that they perform already! Now, pay attention free marketeers, because here's where it gets tricky: If we spent billions of tax dollars to pay hospitals and doctors to perform services they perform already, that would be Socialism, which is bad. But if we do the same thing for religion, it's using the Free Market to End Discrimination, which is good. Now, speaking of that pesky constitution, though, that bring us to
THE BIZARRE ATTEMPT AT SOCIO-LEGAL ENGINEERING: The Constitution has been compared to a finely-tuned piece of machinery, a patchwork quilt, and a Cubist masterpiece. If you're George Bush, though, it's just one more piece of paper to scribble on. To wit: His threat to support an amendment to the Constitution that would actually define in legal terms that "marriage" is when a man puts his penis into a woman's vagina, and promises not to put his penis in other vaginas for the rest of his life. Pay attention, Conservative Advocates of Small Government, because here's where it gets tricky: When "activist judges" in the government try to define marriage, that's Social Engineering, which is bad. When the President and Congress try to define marriage, though, that's a Defense of Traditional Values, which is good. I'm glad you brought up marriage though, because that brings me to my next point, which is
THE RIDICULOUS WASTE OF TAX DOLLARS: Actually, that describes the whole speech, but I'm thinking specifically of the $1.5 billion for marriage classes. As Prong Number Two in the President's bold initiative to remind us that marriage is when a man puts his penis into a woman's vagina until the two of them are dead, Bush is proposing a plan by which $1.5 billion in public money will go to teaching poor people how to stay married to their white trash boyfriends. Lest you think this is Social Engineering (remember: bad!), you should remember the most important part of Defending Traditional Values: penises go in vaginas!
And last, but certainly not least, no State of the Union address would be complete without
THE ATTEMPT TO SCARE PEOPLE INTO SUBMISSION: Now, it's true that the "President" said we had achieved peace in Libya by waging war in Iraq (war is peace, just like George Orwell said). But there are still many, many dangers out there waiting to destroy you and everything you love. Dangers like: teen sex. Ballplayers on drugs. Non-permanent tax cuts. But by far, the most terrifying danger of all is terrorism. We are still in a "state of war," the President said last night, meaning that - among other things, like a semi-permanent military presence in Iraq - we need to give the Justice Department the ability to clamp down on our so-called liberties. The USA PATRIOT Act, which expires next year, needs to be made permanent, and more laws like it have to be passed so that terrorists (2/3 of whom, by the way, the president says we have captured or killed) do not use our freedom against us. Pay attention, Libertarian Conservatives, because here's where it gets tricky. You see, when a Democratic President like Bill Clinton used federal agents to arrest American religious fanatics with stockpiles of illegal arms, that was Jack-booted State Terrorism, which is bad. But when a Republican administration goes far beyond that in suppressing civil liberties, that's Protecting the Homeland, which is good, since there is no higher value than the Homeland.
BIGGEST LOSERS OF THE NIGHT: Oh, that's an easy one.
-Consider Arms
1:52:26 PM 
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