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Thursday, January 29, 2004 |
In New Hampshire on Tuesday, a proud Joe Lieberman declared victory in the nation’s first primary election. "We are in a three-way split decision for third place," he said to his supporters. A three-way split decision for third place would certainly be a big victory for Lieberman’s faltering campaign (which could hardly expect an outright win), but even this optimistic spin on the election results seems to fly in the face of the reality that Lieberman actually finished in fifth place, with just 9% of the vote.
Still, the increasingly quirky Lieberman campaign – loaded with "Joementum" – does offer an interesting new way to look at history’s winners and losers. Assuming that the Lieberman formula (fifth place equals third place which itself equals victory), how might things be different in the world today?
The U.S. sure is different after this first term of President Harry Browne, the 2000 Libertarian Party candidate for president who, thanks to his 384,431 vote, 0.36% showing, is the 43rd President of the United States. There’s simply no argument against President Browne’s America, with its $100 billion budget, near universal gun ownership, no Social Security and fully privatized schools.
And who, aside from Lieberman, presents the most serious challenge to President Browne? Why, it’s New Hampshire’s own Michael Callis, fifth place finisher in Tuesday’s Republican primary and, therefore, its winner. Although it’s too early to tell, we’ll have to see how this race shapes up for the victorious Callis, whose website lists his stance on only one issue: his opposition to the U.N.’s decision to make Israel a state. Oy vey! That’ll make for an interesting presidential debate, eh Senator Lieberman?
If Joe Lieberman’s new world view had been adopted this time last year, perhaps the Terminator franchise would be the last thing that Arnold Schwarzeneggar would have had the chance to run into the ground. Because the fifth place finisher, Arianna Huffington, dropped out of the race, the winner of the election would have been a tough call as there was a tie at 0.3% for sixth place between Republican Peter Ueberroth and Democrat Larry Flynt. Sure, Ueberroth got more votes, but let’s be honest: Larry Flynt is just more fun and, I don’t know about you, but the wheelchair-bound Flynt’s resemblance to perhaps my favorite U.S. President, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, makes him the winner in my mind.
It’s not just politics that J. Lieb has changed. Certainly, we should offer our belated congratulations to this past year’s World Series champions: the Atlanta Braves. And perhaps now is the time to start planning this weekend’s victory party for the Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers.
Finally, we reach what was perhaps the most important event of the 20th Century. Despite its victory, things went badly for World War II victor Germany. Its leaders either committed suicide or were put on trial by the Allies, and its land was divided up by those same Allies, the Wesley Clarks and John Edwards’ of that day and age.
- Marcus-Marcus
11:24:50 AM 
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The Devolving of Evolution Now Georgia has joined the ranks of Missouri and Kansas, as another state trying to deny science in the 21st century. New science standards proposed by state Schools Superintendent Kathy Cox have struck references to "evolution" and replaced them with "biological changes over time." Cox's spokesman issued a statement saying that "we want to hear from all (those... who are passionate on both sides of the issue)," and Cox herself said while campaigning for her current position that "It was a good thing for parents and the community to stand up and say we want our children exposed to this (creationism) idea as well..." If evolution is now up for grabs, I say we petition our school boards and contest the heliocentric model of the universe.
Turban Warfare Spreads Across the EU The French cabinet approved the draft law banning religious symbols in state schools yesterday, starting the legislative process Paris says is needed to stem the rising tide of militant Islam in the country as well as, you know, promote religious tolerance and fairness. Despite minor grumblings in the legislature, the law is assured to pass and almost 70% of the French approve the ban. Good will won by the French in the Arab world from opposing the invasion in Iraq has dried up over the law and many predict that the anti-Muslim, anti-immigrant, Fascist party the National Front will gain strength in upcoming local elections from the passing of the law. The Sikh community (estimated at 700,000) in Britain is preparing to defend the approximate 7,000 Sikhs in France and their right to wear the turban. The proposed French law could be seen in direct contravention of EU directives on racial and religious discrimination, and if the law passes the fight against it might take an interesting Continental shift. In other French news, according to the Washington Times, apparently authentic documents from Saddam Hussein's oil ministry reveal that he used oil to bribe top French officials into opposing the US invasion of Iraq. That would make Chirac's miraculous acquisition of a conscience more understandable.
No Rest For The Poodle While the American press has dutifully reported that Tony Blair was "cleared" by the Hutton verdict, the British press has smelled a rat. The Daily Mail said the verdict attracted "widespread incredulity" and ran a headline of "Justice?" Other papers have called the Hutton report a "whitewash" that "stinks to the high heavens."
The Liberal Media Hates Me So Much That I've Had A Top Rated Network Program For Years! John Stossel, co-anchor of 20/20 said while promoting his new mediocre book "Give Me A Break" (no, not the Nell Carter biography) that the media and his own network are filled with leftists and hold a hatred for those on the right. His proof? The fact that people say the word "conservative" in a weird way and getting funny looks from his co-workers. He also claimed that "The press is so filled with hatred for capitalism that someone who advocates for free markets rather than government control is a conservative and a problem." Of course, that "hatred for capitalism" is obvious in all the 6:30pm broadcasts calling for the overthrow of the government, the NY Times editorials calling for the proletarian masses to unite, or the endless broadcasting of Marxist propaganda we hear over the radio everyday. What fucking world does John Stossel live in? People don't hate you because of your views; they hate you because you're a paranoid asshole with a martyr complex. The fact that you don't win Emmy's anymore isn't due to a liberal conspiracy; it's mostly due to the fact that your work has devolved into cartoonish pleas to take away rent control from poor people.
P.S. Does anyone else realize that the fact that because you can hear the phrase "liberal media" on every major television network means that there isn't one?
FU to the SUVs A group of teens in Houston were arrested for vandalizing almost 50 SUVs, smashing their windows and slashing the tires. One of the arresting officers said that the "ringleader," an 18 year-old named Randall Heinrichs had a "personal hatred" for the vehicles.
-The Sikh Geek
10:22:27 AM
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