TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Finally, a chance to use the word "tit" in a headline.
Al Sharpton: Broken-Glass Republican In politics, a "broken-glass Republican" is someone who would rather crawl over broken glass than vote for a Democrat, but apparently all the Reverend Al will do is work for the GOP. In this shocking Village Voice investigation, it's revealed that a Bush covert operative - the man who orchestrated the "bourgeois riot" that shut down the Miami-Dade recount in 2000 - is funding, orchestrating, and staffing Al Sharpton's quixotic political campaign. In a move that will shock absolutely everybody who has ever heard of the good Reverend, Sharpton has responded to to the allegations by calling the Village Voice "racist." Note to Ralph Nader: You've got company in the great Treasonous Bastard Bus.
Terrorists? Who Cares About Terrorists? I'm Afraid of Boobies! Let's be clear: It took months for the Justice Department to announce it would investigate the White House leak that led to furry slug Bob Novak illegally revealing the covert identity of a CIA operative in print. It took months for the White House to announce they would convene a panel to look into why all those billions of nuclear weapons Saddam was supposed to have seemed to disappear. It took months for the White House to agree to an "independent" investigation into the causes of September 11, the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history. However, it took one day for Michael Powell (you may remember him from his lapdogged efforts to repeal anti-monopoloy media ownership laws last summer) to announce that the Federal Communications Commission will launch a "full investigation" into the glimpse of an aging singer's breast at the Super Bowl. Rest assured that this won't be a whitewash, partisans of non-nudity: Powell promises an investigation into the entire halftime show, which he calls "onstage copulation" (presumably, then, we will also get to the bottom of the lingering bad smell than Sean Combs' career has become). Along with John Ashcroft's $8,000 cover-up job on the bare-breasted statue of justice, this makes it clear to the enemies of America how to defeat this administration: Not with bombs or chemical weapons, but with topless women.
The Single Greatest Threat to American Freedom: Naked Women As if topless Janet Jackson and Justice statues weren't enough of a threat to our glorious freedom, the U.S. military is confronting perhaps the most sinister foe of all. No, I'm not talking about jihadi militants or Iraqi insurgents: I'm talking about lap-dancing Asian chicks. Yes, in a move sure to induce chortling in people like me, the U.S. military has determined that lap-dancing is the cause of "declining military discipline" throughout their ranks, and is asking the South Korean government to ban the practice near military bases. The military itself is taking similar steps in the United States and elsewhere in the world, where our brave men (and women? That's hot) are daily confronted with the terrifying threat of grinding, nubile lap dancers.
Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons to Dangerously Unstable Regimes: That's What Friends Are For The lovely Jody Watley once sang, "Friends! Will let you down. Friends! Won't be around. Talkin' 'bout your friends. Whoah-oh!" Although I don't think she was referring to Pakistani dictator Pervez Musharraf, her sentiment is appropriate: According to Pakistan's top nuclear scientist, the shady deals that sent nuclear weapons technology to such pillars of world stability as North Korea were all approved by Pervez himself, an alleged friend of the United States and our ill-starred war on terrorism. If Pervez is truly a "Western-style leader" in the tradition of Tony Blair and George Bush, he will now convene a phony inquiry that will totally exonerate him of any wrongdoing. Jody Watley will still be right, though.
Back to the Future The closing of the Senate because of ricin poison mailed to Bill Frist's office (and that building is closed, by the way: My congressman sent out an email today announcing that people are no longer allowed to mail him letters) has got me in a nostalgic mood. Let's hop into the way, way back machine and travel to the distant year of 2001. The season was autumn, and a gentleman (or gentlemen, or gentlewomen, etc.) known as "the anthrax terrorist" was shutting down Congress by mailing samples of the deadly poison to legislative offices. Of course, that terrorist was swiftly apprehended by our nation's alert defenders of the homeland, and so I expect much the same will happen this time. Wait! The way, way back machine must have malfunctioned, because it turns out that they never caught the anthrax terrorist at all! Nor the people who were responsible for 9/11, etc. Still, they're going to make sure we never see tits at the Super Bowl again, you can be sure of that.
-Consider Arms
2:40:04 PM 
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