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Monday, February 09, 2004 |
TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Beyonce Performing With Prince? Somebody Up There Likes Me.
I Will Curse the Owners of SUVs as I Crawl Across the Scorched, Barren Hellscape Remember when Al Gore gave that speech on global warming on one of the coldest days of the year? Oh, how we laughed! The Republicans and their allies in the media had a super time chortling over anyone who'd be so stupid to worry about global warming. Well, get ready to belly-laugh again, my evil Republican friends: those fuzzy-headed liberal pinkos at the Pentagon are busily working up defense scenarios in the face of sudden (as in, within 10 years) world climate change. Not only would global warming mean longer, colder, bitterer winters in the Northern Hemisphere, but the Pentagon is also worried about other things. Like what? Like: "Worse, it would cause massive droughts, turning farmland to dust bowls and forests to ashes. Picture last fall's California wildfires as a regular thing. Or imagine similar disasters destabilizing nuclear powers such as Pakistan or Russia.." Still laughing?
The Critics Are Raving About George Bush's "Meet the Press" Performance! How bad was it? Here's how bad it was: Peggy Noonan, a former Reagan speechwriter so far to the right that she actually once wrote that Jesus dispatched a Dolphin Rescue Squad to save Elian Gonzalez, thought the president looked dumb. Here's what crazy Peggy says about the performance: "The president seemed tired, unsure and often bumbling. His answers were repetitive, and when he tried to clarify them he tended to make them worse. He did not seem prepared. He seemed in some way disconnected from the event. When he was thrown the semisoftball question on his National Guard experience--he's been thrown this question for 10 years now--he spoke in a way that seemed detached. 'It's politics.' Well yes, we know that. Tell us more." Ouch.
Spies Like Them The British government conducted illegal surveillance of UN members during the run-up to the Iraq war last winter. Wow. I am totally surprised. My colleague Marcus-Marcus has put his finger on a number of these stories lately, like the "news" last week that the CIA never said Saddam had WMD: I already knew that. I knew that months and months ago, when the stories came out for the first time. Just like I knew about the spying, because it came out last year. What the hell is wrong with the short-term memory of people?
US Supports Brutal Pakistani Crackdown on Nuclear Sales I'm sorry, did I write "brutal crackdown"? That should read, "pathetic slap on the wrist." The U.S. is publicly supporting Pakistani dictator Pervez Musharraf's decision to punish his country's top nuclear scientist for selling weapons technology to Iran, North Korea, and Libya by granting him a full pardon and allowing him to keep his personal fortune of several million dollars. Perhaps this leniency is because (a) the scientist is a natural hero who (b) has implicated Musharraf in the sale of nuclear weapons technology to North Korea. Either way, I just want to say how great it is to see our country adopt a firm and consistent policy regarding the proliferation of WMD: If your country doesn't have any, like Iraq, we will invade and kill thousands of your people. If your country does have some, like North Korea and Pakistan, and you're illegally selling that technology to other dangerously unstable regimes, we will pretty much leave you alone.
I "Support" Our Troops... By Which I Mean I Refuse to Buy Them Life-Saving Body Armor That's apparently the approach taken by the Pentagon, as shown by this story in which a mother buys her son in the army a $1,100 bulletproof vest. Other soldiers heading over there have bought their own goggles, bacpacks, and gloves, because it's better than the stuff they're issued. So, to recap: Our troops are good enough to go and fight the ridiculous ideological wars of this administration, but not good enough to have quality gear. 21st century patriotism is so complicated.
-Consider Arms
3:14:48 PM 
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A Dennis Kucinich Of Truth Supported By Muppets Of Sarcasm and Casual Swearing
The Threat Of Global Warming Heats Up I haven't had a nervous "end of the world" pit in my stomach like this since I watched Red Dawn in second grade. With so many apocalyptic horsemen running, it's hard to separate the threat of terrorism from unprovoked warfare from bizarre Asian-originated animal diseases from the latest and possible most devastating threat to civilization as we know it: abrupt climate change. The concept is simple. Imagine a canoe that is gradually tilted until it reaches its breaking point and suddenly tips over. Many scientists now believe that the climate of the globe is barely sustaining all of the tilts we are putting on it (greenhouse gases, fossil fuel emissions, deforestation, etc.) and we could experience a gigantic tipping of ecological balance within our generation, possibly within a decade. Unlike the "beach in the winter" scenarios popular with neo-cons and cable TV comedians, global warming would most probably result in a new ice age, leaving large chunks of the earth frozen and uninhabitable, also creating more damage than any terrorist cell could ever conceive of. The Pentagon is taking the threat of a drastic climate change so seriously that its strategic planners are beginning to look at the situation.
October Surprise II: Osama Bugaloo I don't know if this means that we've become horribly jaded, or that things have gotten so horrible that we should become jaded. The idea that Bush already has Osama and will magically "capture" him in October to himself capture re-election is being touted everywhere from political pundits to newscasters to this Salon article.
As If I Didn't Feel Awkward Enough On Airlines...
-The Sikh Geek
3:00:45 PM
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A Spoiled Rapper of Falsehood Trying to Steal the Thunder of a Cute Girl-Fronted Grammy Winner of Truth
Tell Me Where I Can Find That Liberal Media Again? In a rare moment of media mea culpa (check that alliteration, boyeee!), CNN admitted that it may have overplayed Dean's now infamous "I Have a Scream Speech." In total, the cable news outlets replayed the clip 633 times in the four days following the Iowa caucus, turning Dean from media darling to the butt of every bad, late-night monologue joke. With Dean's campaign now on the verge of being swept up into history's dustbin, one can only blame the hate-America, treasonous, liberal media.... or not.
Campus Watch Must Be So Excited I suggest re-reading The Sikh Geek's post on the TSA's secret "no fly" list, from last week, before reading this one, for maximum effect. In a move unheard of since the "red squads" of the 1950's or the COINTELPRO-era of the 1960's, a federal judge has issue a subpoena to Drake University for all records relating to a gathering of anti-war activists last November. The subpoena also demands all of the university's records on the National Lawyers Guild, the legal activist organization that sponsored the forum. The type of information the subpoena seeks includes "all documents indicating the purpose and intended participants in the meeting, and all documents or recordings which would identify persons that actually attended the meeting." It is so hard to be a conservative on campus today, isn't it?
Justice Has Been Served OutKast wins, the White Stripes rock out, and 50 Cent reveals himself as the only boob of the night.
- M.C. No Shame
1:06:59 PM
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