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Tuesday, February 10, 2004 |
Special "I'm Sick and Fucking Tired of All This Atkins Bullshit" Edition
Mayor Mike Was Right A medical examiner's report, cited by the Wall Street Journal, states that the late diet guru/kwack Dr. Robert Atkins (perhaps you've heard of him?) weighed 258 pounds at the time of his death and had a history of heart disease. According the CDC's body mass index calculator that would have made the 6-foot-tall Atkins officially obese. This comes as no surprise to MC No Shame, for I have long been an outspoken critic (in my own sad, little world) of the pseudo-science and pop nutrition of the Atkins craze. This recent wave of Atkins "mob rules mentality", as the Sikh Geek once called it, that has infected every restaurant chain and supermarket isle conveniently ignores the most basic of nutrition facts in its vilification of carbs: carbohydrates are the primary fuel source for your body and brain. BODY and BRAIN people! You're a lard ass not because you like bagels, you're a lard ass because you intake more calories than you burn! So rather than ordering that Burger King Whopper without the bun why don't you go straight to the gym and do a few laps in the pool? Oh, whoops! Sorry, I forgot that you're an American and you want a quick fix rather than a lifestyle change. My bad.
Try Not To Get Bird Flu When You Eat That Crow, Mr. O'Reilly George Bush was "wrong" about supporting pre-war intelligence claims of WMD's and "all Americans should be concerned about this." George Bush seemed "unsure and often bumbling" during his Sunday "Meet the Press" interview. Who are these quotes attributed to? Michael Moore? James Carville? Howard Dean? Wrong, wrong, and wrong. Those quotes belong to Bill "shut up" O'Reilly and former Reagan speech writer Peggy Noonan, respectively. Even staunch administration lap dogs and apparatchiks are now beginning to voice criticisms of the president. The Republicans are sure to spin this as election year politics, but if the tide of conservative naysayers continues to rise perhaps it could trickle down to the voting public, who might then finally notice that the emperor is butt naked.
- MC No Shame, eating as many carbs as possible and still 5'9", 146lbs
4:54:04 PM 
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TODAY'S TOP FIVE: What Are the Chances of that Al-Qaeda Rapper Winning a Grammy Next Year?
50 Killed in Iraqi Car Bombing Thank goodness the insurgency is winding down. Right, President Bush?
Bill Clinton Is to Blame for Beyonce's Refusal to Marry Me Hey, why not? The White House has announced that the Bush recession began during Clinton's last year in office, rather than in March 2001, as the National Bureau of Economic Research reports. And what is the reaction of the National Bureau of Economic Research to this revelation? "They can say whatever they like," spokeswoman Donna Zerwitz say. "We haven't changed our date." Bill Clinton's responsibility for violence in Haiti, the recent earthquake in Iran, Janet Jackson's boob exposure, and gingivitis could not be confirmed at press time.
Anybody Wanna Buy a Bank? Because pretty soon you can: Al-Rafideen, Iraq's large, state-owned bank, is laying off one-third of its work force in giddy preparation for privatization next year. The U.S. is ordering the privatization of large industry because, well, we're dicks. But here's an interesting factoid that you may want to bear in mind when wondering who would be interested in the largest bank in one of the largest oil-producing countries in the world: The bank, before it was nationalized in 1968, was owned by the Chalabi family. Chalabi, Chalabi. . . hmm, that name seems familiar. I just can't place it. Has there been a "Chalabi" in the news relating to Iraq lately? Somebody help me out with this.
Meltdown in Haiti It seems that Haiti's latest round of political instability (although, to be fair, the political instability of Haiti essentially goes back to the French Revolution) has led to 42 deaths, as rebels are locked in gunbattles with government troops. The administration of Jean Bertrand Aristide, who was restored to power by a U.S. invasion in 1994, looks incredibly like Baby Doc Duvalier's did in about 1984, despite the presence of the excellently-named Prime Minster Yvon Neptune. Anyone want to take some bets that Mr. Aristide is going to be seeking asylum in the United States before long?
Officer: "I Am Shocked, Shocked That There Is Gambling at This Establishment!" Croupier: "Your Winnings, Sir." Pakistani dictator Pervez Musharraf, in a seeming bid to gratuitously insult the intelligence of the world, announced that he "strongly suspected" for three years that Pakistan's top nuclear scientist was selling weapons technology to North Korea, Iran, and Libya. Do you know what probably tipped him off? The way he granted approval for the sales. Musharraf, though, is indulging in the current favorite pastime of the American administration and blames the CIA for "not informing him earlier" that his own employee was selling nuclear weapons technology to rogue states. What, exactly, was the CIA supposed to tell him? "Yesterday, Dr. Khan discussed sales of nuclear technology to North Korea with, uh, you. We just thought you should know."
-Consider Arms
11:43:59 AM
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10,000 Birds Of Truth Dropping Like Rain Onto The Peasant Countryside Of Falsehood
France Drops The Veil Of Bullshit Over Itself France is overwhelmingly expected to approve the ban on "overt religious symbols" in public school today. Hardest hit will be the vast numbers of Christian youth who are commanded by the Bible to wear gigantic rope-a-dope dookie cross necklaces. Actually, the few thousand Sikhs boys and many more Muslim girls who wear head scarves will be hardest hit. Ever before the ink is dried on the public school bill, a "secularism charter" is being drawn up to propose the same fundamentalist secularism to other public institutions such as town halls, hospitals and swimming pools.
Privacy Soon To Become Quaint Nostalgia Piece Along With Rotary Phones A temporary halt was provided to Attorney General John Ashcroft's move to subpoena the medical records of 40 patients who received so-called partial-birth abortions at Northwestern Hospital in Chicago. This is part of a bigger Department of Justice attempt to obtain the medical records from seven doctors and five hospitals. One of those doctors is a Doctor Cassing Hammond who challenged the constitutionality of the Partial Birth Abortion Ban Act of 2003. I'm sure this is not part of an attempt to intimidate those who are defending the right of women to have access to safe and legal abortion. John Ashcroft's history of anointing himself with Crisco, fearing calico cats as "tools of the devil" and writing shitty songs like "Let the Eagle Soar" wouldn't lead me to believe that he was capable of such a thing. J Edgar Hoover high-fives you from the great beyond, fundamentalist asshole.
Just Look At The Headline "More things are tradable than were tradable in the past. And that's a good thing." Except when what's "tradable" is my fucking job; then it's not so good.
I'm Sorry Mase, You Are No Longer The Worst Rapper Ever That title now belongs to "Sheikh Terra" a rapper for the London-based Soul Salah Crew which has released a rap entitled "Dirty Kuffar" to rally support for Osama Bin Laden and a jihad against the US. "Dirty Kuffar wherever you are; From Kandahar to Ramallah; OBL (Osama bin Laden) Crew be like a shining star; like the way we destroy them two tower ha ha." And I thought the Ying Yang Twins were hip hop evil incarnate...
And Fifty Cent Thought He Got Fucked Over At The Grammys At least he got to be in the country, unlike several Cuban musicians who were nominated but refused entry into the country. Citing a section of immigration law, the possible presence of the Cuban acts in the US was deemed "detrimental to the interests of the United States." Said one official, "Most Cuban artists are compensated by the Cuban government and are therefore employees (of the Cuban government) and financially enrich the Castro regime." Because of the extra scratch denied to the Buena Vista Social Club Castro is reportedly considering a step down from his role as Cuba's leader and will replace himself with an English-speaking capitalist named Elian Gonzales who will create a dozen McDonalds as his first act as democratic leader.
It's The End of The World As We Know It ...and I feel more than a little spooked. More than 10,000 birds died mysteriously in Eastern China and fell from the sky like drops of rain.
-The Sikh Geek
10:20:42 AM
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© Copyright 2004 Monster Limo Organization.
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