TODAY'S TOP FIVE: The Race to the Bottom Has Begun.
Well, That Didn't Take Long Ah, that's what I love about America: A campaign that focuses on the issues. Joining Matt Drudge in the sewer, allegedly, are the Associated Press, Time, ABC News, and The Hill. Hear me now and believe me later: This issue has no traction. I believe that the Clinton saga was a turning point in the struggle for the soul of America, and I actually have faith in the good sense of the American people to consign this garbage to the landfill where it belongs, along with Matt Drudge, the AP, and every other vermin who smells foetor right now.
Florida: Still Holding It Down as America's Least Democratic State An audit has revealed that 43 percent of Florida's public agencies routinely refuse to comply with public access laws. Check it out: "Public officials lied to, harassed and even threatened volunteers who were using a law designed to give citizens the power to watch over their government. In six counties, volunteers were erroneously told that the documents they wanted didn't exist. One volunteer was almost arrested. Many officials demanded to know who the volunteers represented and what they planned to do with the information -- clear violations of the open records law, which ensures anonymity when desired." I firmly expect that Gov. Jeb "Free Elections" Bush will get on this issue in a heartbeat, making sure that all of his state's citizens receive the rights they are entitled to under the law. Completely off the topic, I also expect the Great Pumpkin to appear before me on Halloween, and grant my wish that Beyonce Knowles shall be my bride.
Dammit! Aren't X-Rays of His Molars Enough For You Jackals? The White House, which yesterday made the bizarre and hilarious step of releasing 30-year-old dental records of the president to prove he was in the Alabama National Guard (don't they normally use dental records to identify dead people? Should we be worried?), has now backed off its earlier offer to release all of "President" Bush's military records. I say, forget the records. How come no one - not a commanding officer, not guys he flew with, not other guys on the base - can remember seeing this guy for a solid 12 months in 1972 and 1973? I mean, shit, I would be happy if they could get just one or two people to retail a ribald anecdote about Flight Suit Bush, but no. Fuck the pay records; this guy was nowhere near a National Guard base at the time.
Is It Time to Ditch Destro? The underground murmur for months over whether Bush should ditch his sinister puppetmaster, Destro Cheney, and find a Zartan or Major Bludd to run with this year, has now become public. Cheney's approval rating lags behind Bush's, and nearly 50 percent of the country doesn't want to see chrome dome run on the ticket again. Plus, Cheney has created or been linked to some of this scandal-plagued administration's most delightful public gaffes: the energy task force (and it's awesome new wrinkle, Quack Quack Scalia the Crooked Judge), Halliburton gouging the Pentagon, the Valerie Plame affair, missing WMD, etc. On the other hand, he does supply 100 percent of the brainpower on the ticket. Current faves to replace him include Tom Ridge, Condi Rice, and John McCain: My choice would be either Xamot or Tomax.
Now The Sistani Is Really Going to Hit the Fan The United Nations is backing Iraqi Shi'ite leader Ayatollah Al-Sistani's call for elections in Iraq, although it hasn't agreed to Sistani's timetable (his timetable means that elections would start now, essentially). After meeting with Sistani, the UN envoy proclaimed "We are in agreement with the Sayyid (descendant of the Prophet Mohammad) that these elections should be prepared well and should take place in the best possible conditions so that it would bring the results which the Sayyid wants and the people of Iraq and the UN," which kind of sounds like what the IRS said after that weird closed-door meeting with the Church of Scientology. Whether "the Sayyid" used terrifying powers of mind control is beside the point; this is bad news for the US, which hoped the UN would back our desire to postpone elections, thereby making them look like the bad guy when we postpone them anyway.
-Consider Arms
1:35:32 PM 
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