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Monday, February 16, 2004 |
TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Your Source for Beyonce References and Electronic Voting Anguish
Goodbye to All That In the wake of a fight with the government over the supposed "slant" of BBC reporting, Tony Blair's administration has drawn up plans that would dismantle the 82-year-old broadcasting institution, breaking it into separate entities for England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland, and removing power from its Board of Governors. The plan would also give government censors greater control over BBC content, close some outlets, and force the corporation to share its revenues with other broadcasters. The lesson here: Don't report the truth about Tony Blair.
I Thought That Photo of Kerry Tongue-Kissing V.I. Lenin Looked a Little Weird Thanks to Snopes.com, the John Kerry/Jane Fonda photo making the rounds has been exposed as a fraud, doctored by Republican Party operatives to discredit the Democratic front-runner. Not that you'd know this from reading the NY Times, which reported the photo as genuine.
Now I Know Why Bush Hasn't Gone to Any Military Funerals The mother of 1st Lieutenant Seth Dvorin, 24, killed in Iraq on Feb. 3: "My son died for absolutely nothing," she says. "Seth died for President Bush's personal vendetta. Bush put us where we should never have been." Yes, but, you see, there were these weapons-related program activities, and of course it's concievable that there might have been a link to Al Qaeda and... well, anyway, Kerry's an adulterer, so there.
The Machines Are Your Friends Those blame-America-firsters at Johns Hopkins' Information Security Institute have concluded a major study into electronic voting which shows that the process is "critically flawed." The experts found that Diebold's model, in particular, is "so deficient in security it could be compromised by a bright teenager intent on hacking an election." There has been a seeming avalanche of studies like this recently, all of which have led the government to one inescapable conclusion: The enforced use of electronic voting machines must continue as if nothing is the matter.
Our Nation's Deadliest Foe That's right: It's Canada. The U.S. Border Patrol is beefing up its operations along the frontier with our friendly northern neighbor, even moving hundreds of guards on the Mexican border up to Canada. Now, while Mexico has a proven history of porous borders creating a major headache for Southwestern U.S. states, that doesn't change the fact that sinister Al Qaeda operatives disguised as mounties could waltz across the border at any time and make hash of us hosers.
-Consider Arms
1:34:25 PM 
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What This Town Needs Is A New Rock Critic
Trust No One. And I Mean NO ONE. A Kentucky man was charged Saturday with the murder of his wife and a female firefighter after a 6-hour standoff at his home. During the standoff a reporter talked to the man, Patrick Hutchinson, who after rambling on about Armageddon, the CIA and a conspiracy said, "We're going against the evil alien clones. I started with my wife."
To Ensure The Sacred, God-Given Bond Between A Man And An Unwilling Woman At A Jacuzzi In A Cheap Motel An Oklahoma state senator who is the author of "Defense of Marriage Legislation" is currently being investigated on charges of sexual battery at a Holiday Inn. He can join his federal partners in the defense of marriage crusade who include a man who handed his wife divorce papers as she lay on a hospital bed with cancer (Newt Gingrich), a man who has publicly told his viewers to pray for the immediate death of Supreme Court justices and openly wished for a nuclear bomb to level the Department of Defense (Pat Robertson), Gary Condit (enough said) and dozens of Senators and Congressmen working on their second and third marriages. Note to the Right: the declining marriage rate among young people has less to do with a sinister gay agenda than it does with everyone's fucked-up, divorced and dysfunctional heterosexual parents. Daily Apocalypse Watch Nice heartburn-inducing, sleep-ruining piece about the accelerating pace of global warming and melting ice caps. I feel like Little Man Tate.
The Hypocrites' Circle In The Inferno Was Made For You Sir More from the Alex P. Keatons of the world... The College Republicans group at Roger Williams University is offering a new scholarship eligible only to white students, a move the conservative fuck-faces say is designed to protest affirmative action. According to Jason Mattera, the 20-year old president of the group, "We think that if you want to treat someone according to character and how well they achieve academically, then skin color shouldn't really be an option." It shouldn't be an option, except for Puerto-Rican Mattera who is himself a recipient of a $5,000 scholarship open only to a minority group.
Maybe Someone Can Petition To Change The Name Of the Town Where PETA Is Located To "Retardopolis" A few years ago the fine dimwits at PETA led an unsuccessful attempt to get the town of Fishkill, New York to change their name and dangled 10,000 veggie burgers or something as a reward. Turns out that "kill" is an old Dutch word meaning pond, and the original settlers of Fishkill named it so after noticing that there was a lot of fish in their pond. Undeterred from looking like morons, PETA is now trying to get the town of Slaughterville, Oklahoma to change its name "which conjures up images of the violent and bloody deaths of terrified chickens, pigs and cows" to "Veggieville." Someone should tell the folks at PETA that the town was named after the owner of a turn of the century grocery store run by a man named James Slaughter. I'm glad that with mad cow diseases, various bird diseases and a nation enamored with the Atkins diet, PETA is focusing on changing the names of towns whose monikers have nothing to do with animal exploitation.
-The Sikh Geek
10:40:59 AM
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