TODAY'S TOP FIVE: We Won't Have Howard Dean to Kick Around Anymore.
The Return of Our Popular "Buyer's Remorse" Feature If you listen closely, you can almost hear it: The sound of thousands upon thousands of right-wing Christian hearts breaking over the failure of their anointed God-King, George W. Bush, to be as socially conservative as they are. Among the carnage, one can almost see the scales fall from their eyes: "I'm not blaming the president, but religious conservatives have been doing politics for 25 years and, on every front, are worse off on things they care about," said Gary Bauer, president of American Values. "The gay rights movement is more powerful, the culture is more decadent, the life of not one baby has been saved, porn is in the living room, and you can't watch the Super Bowl without your hand on the off switch." Right-wing Christian leaders are warning their people may stay home on Election Day. Folks: Please. Stay home forever.
You Fool! You Were Merely a Pawn in Chalabi's Great Game We here at the MLWL have long insisted upon the sinister omniscience of Iraqi National Congress leader Ahmad Chalabi, and once again we see it proved in the day's press. In this case, Chalabi is admitting that the information he passed on to Washington for years about Saddam's WMD programs was totally worthless. The INC knew they were essentially lying to the Americans, Chalabi says, because their goal was to trick the US into invading Iraq. Mission accomplished: "We are heroes in error," he said Wednesday. "As far as we're concerned, we've been entirely successful. Our objective has been achieved. That tyrant Saddam is gone, and the Americans are in Baghdad. What was said before is not important."
I've Seen 6th Grade Paper Mache Volcanoes With More Scientific Value Despite George Bush's reputation as a man of science, it turns out that his administration hasn't been scoring very high with scientists. A nonpartisan group released a report on the uses of science by the administration in justifying its policies (think global warming), and here's what they found: "President Bush's administration distorts scientific findings and seeks to manipulate experts' advice to avoid information that runs counter to its political beliefs... the scope and scale of the manipulation, suppression and misrepresentation of science by the Bush administration is unprecedented." Wait...Am I to understand, Mr. Galileo, that you're claiming the sun does not revolve around the earth? Nonsense!
Dammit, THIS is a War We Can Win Okay, so we're having trouble pacifying the Iraqis. I can guarantee you that we won't have the same military problems in Haiti, and the Bush administration might prove my words by sending a military team there to "assess the security situation." We are calling on President Aristide to declare immediate elections to "defuse the crisis," prompting me to wonder whether "elections" are this administration's foreign policy version of "tax cuts": the soundbite solution that they insist on no matter what the actual problem is. Note: There's a violent uprising in the country against the government. The national police force has deserted a number of towns in the country's interior and have announced they can't protect the second-largest city. Now is not the time to schedule elections.
"Schadenfreude Incarnate," as MC No Shame Says Former Enron chief executive Jeff Skilling, who once bragged that he'd never be charged with a crime for the implosion of the company, was led in handcuffs to a federal courthouse, where he pleaded not guilty to 35 counts of insider trading. If convicted, he faces 325 years in prison and $80 million in fines. The only way this can get more delightful is if Skilling jumps on top of a car outside the courthouse and shows off some dance moves, a la Michael Jackson.
-Consider Arms
11:38:46 AM 
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