The Monster Limo Weblog

Wed, 25 Feb 2004 17:56:00 GMT

HOLY LIVING FUCK! THE MONSTER LIMO WEBLOG HAS MOVED!

That's right: After the decision by Founder and President Marcus-Marcus to take a job heading up Halliburton's price-gouging operation in Iraq, the weblog that has brought you countless hours of joy, sadness, and casual swearing is moving to a new home.

UPDATE YOUR BOOKMARKS. CHANGE YOUR LINKS. WE ARE MOVING FOR GOOD. AFTER WEDNESDAY, FEB. 25, THERE WILL BE NOTHING NEW POSTED ON THIS SITE.

From now on, you can get your fill of scurrilous and unfair attacks on the "President" by pointing your browsers here:

http://monsterlimo.blogspot.com

If that's too hard to remember, you can send us an email at our new address (monsterlimo@hotmail.com) and we'll walk you through it.

It has been fun. It has been informative. It has been 13 months in which we set the standard for weblog coverage of freedom fries, headscarf issues,and salacious references to Beyonce Knowles. Continue this exciting journey with your friends Consider Arms, The Sikh Geek, MC No Shame, Li'l Joey Murder,and Marcus-Marcus (when he's home from supervising "elections" in Iraq) at:

http://monsterlimo.blogspot.com

Mon, 23 Feb 2004 17:14:28 GMT

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Darth Nader, Ralph Nadir, Ralph Traitor, Whatever: Just Call Him "Cocksucker"

Ralph, How Do I Hate Thee? Let Me Count the Ways This is all you should need to know about the effect of Ralph Nader's entry into the presidential race: Yesterday, while listening to the radio show "Money Talk," which is mostly about finance but which is obviously from a Republican perspective, the host and his callers were beside themselves with glee that Nader has entered the race. "This is the first good news the president has had in a while," one of them said. Or, as Noam Chomsky puts it, "The current incumbents may do severe, perhaps irreparable, damage if given another hold on power - a very slim hold, but one they will use to achieve very ugly and dangerous ends. In a very powerful state, small differences may translate into very substantial effects on the victims, at home and abroad. It is no favor to those who are suffering, and may face much worse ahead, to overlook these facts."

Bullet, Meet Foot It's no surprise that the People for the American Way are mad that Alabama Attorney General William Pryor has been nominated to the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals. After all, Pryor is your garden variety rightist jerk: "States' rights," hates the Constitution, etc. However, it's worth watching the fight over his confirmation, because another group hates William Pryor: religious conservatives. You may have forgotten that Pryor was the guy who ran Chief Justice Roy Moore out of town over Moore's Ten Commandments sculpture. However, religious conservatives have not forgotten, and they detest Pryor.

Roy Moore, Your Country Needs You Speaking of Roy Moore, here's an interesting article on the possibility of him running for president as the nominee of the Constitution Party, which was on 41 state ballots in 2000. If he does so, Moore could siphon off a lot of the religious conservative support for Bush. Right now, neocons like Bill Kristol are terrified at the prospect of Moore becoming a Republican Nader. As the Slate article puts it, "This is an ember that wants fanning." Run, Roy, Run.

Operation Iraqi, Er, Stability I don't know how this one slipped by the radar, but here it is: the June 30 elections in Iraq have been cancelled. The US occupation authorities still plan a "transfer of power" on that date, but no one is exactly sure who power will be transferred to or how it will be done. The new goal date for elections is the end of 2005. The current guess is that the US will "transfer power" to an enlarged Iraqi Governing Council - that is, to a hand-picked body of appointed US puppets. That's sure to appease the Shi'ites, who are calling for elections prior to June 30.

An Inexplicable Lack of "Voodoo Economics" Jokes If it's springtime, there must be Marines headed to Haiti to shore up the rule of some corrupt autocrat or another. Five bucks to the person who can tell me what it is this current round of fighting is about.

-Consider Arms (Contributor's Note: I am saddened to note the decision of Marcus-Marcus to take his leave from the Monster Limo Weblog. What this means for the Monster Limo Weblog at this point is unclear; there will be major changes announced in the next few days, so keep watching this space. Also, please wish Marcus-Marcus well on his impressive but somewhat unexpected decision to start a career as a monkey-wrangler on the Dennis Miller show.)

Mon, 23 Feb 2004 14:37:14 GMT

A Sarcastic Mouse of Truth Supporting A Dennis Kucinich of Righteousness

The Way Back Time Machine Goes To Visit Darth Nader In 2000 Remember last presidential election when the GOP ran pro-Nader ads to siphon support from the Democrats? We do. We also imagine that Nader, Sharpton and Matt Drudge play golf together after they cash their checks from the GOP.

Would YOU Want A Future First Lady Who Gave A Foot Massage To Osama Bin Laden Before He Performed An Abortion? From our favorite nutcases at WorldNetDaily, this article by Joseph Farah describes one of Teresa Heinz Kerry's favorite charities, the Tides foundation, as a bastion of extreme homosexual activists, pro-Islamic propagandists, America haters, Mexican secessionists, abortionists and supporters of something called a "living wage." Three extra points to Farah for being able to link this sloppy mess to Hillary Clinton. (P.S. The author of "Madame Hillary" told the "reporters" on Fox News this morning that he would not rule out the possibility that the Clintons used Clark to push Dean out of the race to secure Hillary's 2004 presidential bid moments before super Tuesday because "she's capable of anything..." Go liberal media.)

Even Worse Than The Telepathic Support Of Dolphins The icon of the classic children's book "Grandfather Twilight" has broken two decades of silence to endorse Dennis Kucinich for the Democratic nod. "Barbara Helen Berger: I heard the Gandhi Peace Award for 2003 was given to Dennis Kucinich. Grandfather Twilight: True. When the whole deep forest heard the news, what joy! From the grassy roots to the tallest trees, we had a standing ovation." You know, in a perfect world Dennis Kucinich would be a serious candidate, and with an eager Kucinich campaign featuring endorsements from telepathic dolphins and children's book characters, that perfect world will stay in a far off place.

I Want To Cry And Take A Nap Once again I defer the loyal MLWL readership to the movie "Demolition Man" in which as a spoof on the future Sylvester Stallone refers to the "Schwarzenegger Amendment" that allowed Arnold to become president in 2014. Close, but not close enough. On Sunday morning Arnold told "Meet the Press" that he thinks foreign-born citizens should be eligible to run for the White House, like you know, himself and other gifts to the country like the illegal-war launching Henry Kissinger. How the fuck did a man who made his name playing a murderous robot from the future, who got elected after a dubious GOP-funded recall, who has of only a few years ago partied with a convicted Nazi war criminal, has admitted to drug use, steroids and group sex, has half a dozen sexual assault charges circling above him like vultures, and hasn't done a damn thing since taking office besides trying to rip a dome off the capitol building so he can smoke at work, seriously talk about running for president?! And how did Tim Russert not piss himself laughing at this talk?

Even More Menacing Than The "Stoner/Preppie" Rumbles In Texas is the "lesbian gang" currently feared at a Philadelphia middle school. DTO, or "Dykes Taking Over," are allegedly harassing, bullying and groping straight students in the gym and girl's bathroom. Said one straight student, "I told them, 'No.' and they kept bothering us. (They) kept coming to us asking us to become gay." Is this what Pat Robertson refers to as the aggressive gay agenda? No wonder God chose to strike us down on September 11th.

It's The End Of The World As We Know It And I Still Want To Cry And Take A Nap Whither goest thou Bill Cooper? While President Bush continues to deny that global warming even exists, the Pentagon has secretly reported that the next 20 years will be an apocalyptic nightmare triggered by drastic global climate change. European cities will sink under rising sea levels, Britain will be "Siberian" and the world will devolve into intense nuclear warfare to defend remaining supplies of food and water.

-The Sikh Geek

Fri, 20 Feb 2004 16:38:46 GMT

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: We Won't Have Howard Dean to Kick Around Anymore.

The Return of Our Popular "Buyer's Remorse" Feature If you listen closely, you can almost hear it: The sound of thousands upon thousands of right-wing Christian hearts breaking over the failure of their anointed God-King, George W. Bush, to be as socially conservative as they are. Among the carnage, one can almost see the scales fall from their eyes: "I'm not blaming the president, but religious conservatives have been doing politics for 25 years and, on every front, are worse off on things they care about," said Gary Bauer, president of American Values. "The gay rights movement is more powerful, the culture is more decadent, the life of not one baby has been saved, porn is in the living room, and you can't watch the Super Bowl without your hand on the off switch." Right-wing Christian leaders are warning their people may stay home on Election Day. Folks: Please. Stay home forever.

You Fool! You Were Merely a Pawn in Chalabi's Great Game We here at the MLWL have long insisted upon the sinister omniscience of Iraqi National Congress leader Ahmad Chalabi, and once again we see it proved in the day's press. In this case, Chalabi is admitting that the information he passed on to Washington for years about Saddam's WMD programs was totally worthless. The INC knew they were essentially lying to the Americans, Chalabi says, because their goal was to trick the US into invading Iraq. Mission accomplished: "We are heroes in error," he said Wednesday. "As far as we're concerned, we've been entirely successful. Our objective has been achieved. That tyrant Saddam is gone, and the Americans are in Baghdad. What was said before is not important."

I've Seen 6th Grade Paper Mache Volcanoes With More Scientific Value Despite George Bush's reputation as a man of science, it turns out that his administration hasn't been scoring very high with scientists. A nonpartisan group released a report on the uses of science by the administration in justifying its policies (think global warming), and here's what they found: "President Bush's administration distorts scientific findings and seeks to manipulate experts' advice to avoid information that runs counter to its political beliefs... the scope and scale of the manipulation, suppression and misrepresentation of science by the Bush administration is unprecedented." Wait...Am I to understand, Mr. Galileo, that you're claiming the sun does not revolve around the earth? Nonsense!

Dammit, THIS is a War We Can Win Okay, so we're having trouble pacifying the Iraqis. I can guarantee you that we won't have the same military problems in Haiti, and the Bush administration might prove my words by sending a military team there to "assess the security situation." We are calling on President Aristide to declare immediate elections to "defuse the crisis," prompting me to wonder whether "elections" are this administration's foreign policy version of "tax cuts": the soundbite solution that they insist on no matter what the actual problem is. Note: There's a violent uprising in the country against the government. The national police force has deserted a number of towns in the country's interior and have announced they can't protect the second-largest city. Now is not the time to schedule elections.

"Schadenfreude Incarnate," as MC No Shame Says Former Enron chief executive Jeff Skilling, who once bragged that he'd never be charged with a crime for the implosion of the company, was led in handcuffs to a federal courthouse, where he pleaded not guilty to 35 counts of insider trading. If convicted, he faces 325 years in prison and $80 million in fines. The only way this can get more delightful is if Skilling jumps on top of a car outside the courthouse and shows off some dance moves, a la Michael Jackson.

-Consider Arms

Fri, 20 Feb 2004 14:12:48 GMT

A RIAA Sticker Of Truth On An Over-priced, Over-produced, Shitty CD Of Mediocre Falsehood

Even The Wacko Conservatives Call These Conservatives Wacko Pat "Close the Borders, Pray in School and Attack the UN" Buchanan attacks the neo-con Richard Perle's new "An End to Evil" book in the new issue American Conservative, saying that Perle and his ilk "are losing their grip on reality." What does it say when Pat Buchanan has become your voice of reason? In other Perle news, King Richard is under investigation for allegedly failing to disclose $3 million in bonuses earned while running an investment scheme for Hollinger. Perle invested Hollinger shareholder funds in a series of businesses, some of which he owned, and never disclosed to shareholders the risks he put their money in. At to conclude our Perle roundup, Dick attacked the CIA like a rabid pit bull for their "faulty conclusions" that Saddam Hussein had WMDs, and called for a "shakeup" in the US intelligence establishment. Too bad the CIA actually expressed pre-war doubt about WMDs and even more serious doubt about not getting into a huge fucking mess within a post-Saddam Iraq. If the CIA can oust third world leaders and assassinate at will, how come Richard Perle can't have a mysterious heart attack or car crash?

Exciting To Star Wars Geeks, Terrifying To All Non-Losers This Wired article describes the Pentagon's attempt to make space the next major battlefield for military dominance including death rays and the capacity to destroy foreign satellites. Expect a new terrifying arms race with the added player of China! Global climate change? SARS? AIDS? Or now, space war? How the fuck will the planet meet its terrifying end?

I Liked This Eighties Retro Thing Better When It Was About Hair Metal And Not The Arms Race According to a senior Russian general, the Big Bear has successfully tested a new hypersonic anti-Star Wars weapon capable of penetrating any possible missile shield. With a wink-wink, Col-General Yuri Baluyevsky told the AP that, "The experiment conducted by us must not be interpreted as a warning to the Americans not to build their missile defense because we designed this thing." With so many Reagan hacks in the current administration and the release of that movie Miracle, we are so primed for a retro-Cold War phase.

"In a saner age, these people would just be considered demented." A BuzzFlash interview with Bruce Miller, editor of "Take Them At Their Words: Shocking Amusing and Baffling Quotes from the GOP and Their Friends, 1994-2004." Awe and marvel at such gems as Barbara Bush saying in all seriousness, ""Why should we hear about body bags and deaths and how many...It's not relevant. So why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that?"

-The Sikh Geek, not wasting his beautiful mind on this blog anymore

Thu, 19 Feb 2004 15:51:27 GMT

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Today, I Must Endure a Hearing on Elderly Housing. Pray For Me.

All Hip Hop Is Lame...Except This Guy MC No Shame has been saying it for months: Hip hop is played. Now the mainstream is finally starting to catch on, except they're stuck on the same old formula: "Oh, it's all bad, except this guy." "This guy" in this case is Kanye West, he of the "I'll bring the Cool Whip/then I want you to strip" rhyme mastery. Yeah, try again, Slate. At least they're not touting Dizzee Rascal as the future. From now on, "Dizzee Rascal" is an adjective meaning "hyped to the ceiling despite being genuinely awful."

Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Care Here at the MLWL, we're pretty much down with the concept of same-sex marriage: If you want in on one of society's worst institutions, that's your trip, baby. But the flood of stories about how gays are getting married in San Francisco (and now Nueva York) has the same effect as the flood of stories about Janet Jackson's nipple terrorism: distracting people from (a) the fucked-up war in Iraq, (b) the fucked-up economy here at home, and (c) John Ashcroft's ongoing sodomy of Lady Liberty. So, please: Let's all run just one last story about gay marriage and then get back to work, 'kay?

That's Funny: I Haven't Heard Anything About This on My Local News Station This story has been dribbling out of Iraq for months now, but apparently it's reaching a new plateau: suicide among American troops there. Apparently, soldiers who have come home from Iraq are also killing themselves in higher-than-usual numbers. Will this problem go away if I put another flag decal on my car?

Wow, and I Thought MBNA Had Beef With My Debt Level If the U.S. had an Equifax rating, we'd never get approved for a loan. Check it out: Our national debt has hit a record high of $7 trillion. To give you some idea of how high that is, our entire Gross Domestic Product is $11 trillion. But should we be worried that we are now essentially in purely hypothetical levels of debt? Nah! "A Treasury spokeswoman said there was 'no special significance' to the number." I guess that's true, but only in the same way there's "no special significance" when an alcoholic wakes up in the Interfaith Cot Shelter with no memory of the last 24 hours for the 100th time.

I Sense Another Imminent Elevation of the Terrorism Alert Level According to the latest Gallup Poll (and polls are basically worthless, but at least give us a hint of what's going on out there), both John Kerry and John Edwards have double-digit leads over George Bush. Quick: Invade Syria!

-Consider Arms

Thu, 19 Feb 2004 15:48:51 GMT

A Yao Ming Of Truth In A Midget-Marrying Reality Show Of Falsehood

Who Knows Slanderous False Reports From Drudge Better Than Someone Who's Been Falsely Slandered By Him? A Salon piece by Sidney Blumenthal who was falsely accused by Matt Drudge of spousal abuse. It's amazing that the media fell over themselves to report on this non-story that had absolutely no evidence or fact connected to it, especially since it came from a man whose "exclusive" stories are true only about one-third of the time (remember Bill Clinton's "love child"?). People proved themselves to be absolute fucking morons over this: the NY Times reporter who included a Friendster profile in a piece, Rush Limbaugh who sagely suggested that the "scandal" was leaked by Bill Clinton to bump off Kerry so Hillary could become president (and easily start a campaign half-way through the primary season), and not to mention every major news outlet that used the sketchiest six-degrees of justifications to air the story ("well, the fact that people are talking about it is news, isn't it?). When Al Sharpton and Matt Drudge go out for lunch together, does the same GOP organization pick up the tab for the both of them?

Definitely More Of An Orator Than A Predictor The White House is backing away from its own prediction that the economy will add 2.6 million new jobs before the end of the year, claiming that the number was merely the creation of "number crunchers." White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan told reporters that Bush had said, "I'm not a statistician. I'm not a predictor." and added, "We're interested in reality." Well, I guess now's as good a time as any to get interested in reality.

More Zeros Than A Hartford Bar On A Saturday Night The US government's national debt, the aggregate of past budget deficits, now totals over $7,000,000,000,000 for the first time. That's 7 trillion dollars, only slightly below the government debt ceiling, above which the Treasury would need to ask Congress to cover. To give an idea of the size of the debt, the US gross national product for 2003, all of the goods and services produced in the United States that year, add up to $11 trillion. A Treasury spokeswoman said there was "no special significance" to the 7 trillion mark.

Like Going To Middle School Didn't Suck Enough Under a new policy at a New Jersey middle school seventh and eight graders are now allowed to leave class for the bathroom a maximum of fifteen times a month making many students avoid drinking water during the day for fear of having to go to the bathroom.

At Least Senator Cleland Has One Arm Left To Use In Giving Ann Coulter The Finger A clarification from a BuzzFlash reader about the cowardly "heroics" of blame America-firster Max Cleland.

-The Sikh Geek

Wed, 18 Feb 2004 15:43:16 GMT

I'm Sorry. The Nickname "Cash'N'Kerry" Is Kinda Genius.

What Strange Bedfellows A Massive Pill Addiction Doth Make As Rush Limbaugh struggles to keep his medical records sealed and cover his large, pasty ass from recent drug charges, he has found an ironic ally: the ACLU. The Civil Liberties Union has joined various medical groups in an attempt to keep Limbaugh's medical records private, citing the Florida Constitution and state law, which allow a patient to oppose the seizing of medical records in court. For some reason, I don't think that Rush will be calling the ACLU America-hating treasonous Communists in the near future, at least until the knowledge of his third nipple and bed-wetting is secured.

Bush Administration, "Read A Book You Deaf Bastards" The US Department of Education has declared about 200 television programs inappropriate for closed-captioning and is denying federal grant requests to make them accessible to the hearing impaired. The department made their decisions based on an unknown five-member panel who used a narrow interpretation of "educational, news or informational" to come down on the deaf like a ton of Taliban bricks. Say what you want, I know that our country will be stronger now that deaf children won't be able to watch closed-captioned versions of Scooby-Doo.

France Steals A Page From America's "Massive Help To Liberia" Playbook As Haiti is being torn apart with rioting and civil unrest, their former colonials masters, the French, are engaged with a massive plan to look really busy and do nothing to help the poverty-stricken island nation. Said the foreign minister Domnique de Villepin, "What can France do specifically? First we want to reflect on what can be done urgently." He also did not say that France would send troops and added that even deploying peacekeepers "is very difficult." He did however offer unnamed resources that they "want to make available when the time comes and circumstances permit." This will certainly be a relief to the masses in Haiti who have been holding up signs demanding that France reflect on what could maybe, possible be done sometime in the undisclosed future to somehow assist them in undetermined ways. P.S. Did you know that the high-caffeine drink Red Bull is illegal in France? That is so fucked up. I need to drink a Red Bull in a massive turban in front of Paris' city hall right now.

Ann Coulter, "Triple-Amputee Doing It For The Attention" Ann Coulter, far-right nutcase and eight-beer hottie, recently attacked former Senator Max Cleland, who lost both legs and an arm in Vietnam, for saying that Bush's military record is inferior to John Kerry's. Coulter said, "If Cleland had dropped a grenade on himself at Fort Dix rather than in Vietnam, he would never have been a U.S. Senator in the first place. He didn't 'give his limbs for his country,' or leave them 'on the battlefield. There was no bravery involved in dropping a grenade on himself with no enemy troops in sight." It's too bad that Cleland didn't drop a grenade on himself. He was wounded picking up a grenade that someone else had dropped. Read the Coultergeist's original, hysterical rant here.

And Maybe Bob Dole Can Dance With Big-Booty Strippers To The Tunes Of "Me So Horny" For The Next "E.D." Ad Consider Arms once joked about a possible list of the most inappropriate use of music in television commercials. I don't think he could have imagined this horrible, horrible idea: using Johnny Cash's classic "Ring of Fire" for a hemorrhoid ad. Thank goodness the Cash estate has some tact.

-The Sikh Geek

Tue, 17 Feb 2004 15:52:24 GMT

A Seven Of Clubs In A Spoof Deck Of Weblogs

No, Really Dudes. I Fold. Like most people with homes above the Mason-Dixon and SAT scores over 800, I thought that the "Deck of Cards" that the US Army dragged out at the beginning of the Iraqi War was ridiculous. Like most sarcastic people on the internet, I laughed when I saw the first spoof deck of cards lampooning the Bush administration. I laughed less when I saw the neo-con "Traitors of the Left" cards, and audibly groaned when the French and the Russian decks were released. Now we have reached a point where there are enough spoof decks and counter-spoof decks and counter-counter-spoof decks that one could create a new deck of cards by assigning each parody deck its own card. Witness the new deck of "Republican Chickenhawk Cards" put out by the folks at BuzzFlash. Enough is enough. It's a nice idea, but please take your politics away from the gin rummy table and stick with the hysterical rhyming by-lines.

"The Permanent Scars Of Iraq" Tremendous and heartbreaking piece from the New York Times Magazine about some of the 2,600 troops who have come back from Iraq after being wounded in action.

Bullshit Against Bullshit, Let The Campaigns Begin On February 12th the Bush campaign sent an email to 6 million supporters with a link to an internet video that attacked John Kerry for getting "more special interest money than any other senator." That is true, if by saying "more special interest money than any senator" they meant "didn't get more special interest money than any senator" and "definitely got far less special interest money than Bush." All hail the glory of FactCheck.org.

Finally, After Three Decades My Prayers Have Been Answered Prepare to get united America.

-The Sikh Geek

Mon, 16 Feb 2004 18:34:25 GMT

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Your Source for Beyonce References and Electronic Voting Anguish

Goodbye to All That In the wake of a fight with the government over the supposed "slant" of BBC reporting, Tony Blair's administration has drawn up plans that would dismantle the 82-year-old broadcasting institution, breaking it into separate entities for England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland, and removing power from its Board of Governors. The plan would also give government censors greater control over BBC content, close some outlets, and force the corporation to share its revenues with other broadcasters. The lesson here: Don't report the truth about Tony Blair.

I Thought That Photo of Kerry Tongue-Kissing V.I. Lenin Looked a Little Weird Thanks to Snopes.com, the John Kerry/Jane Fonda photo making the rounds has been exposed as a fraud, doctored by Republican Party operatives to discredit the Democratic front-runner. Not that you'd know this from reading the NY Times, which reported the photo as genuine.

Now I Know Why Bush Hasn't Gone to Any Military Funerals The mother of 1st Lieutenant Seth Dvorin, 24, killed in Iraq on Feb. 3: "My son died for absolutely nothing," she says. "Seth died for President Bush's personal vendetta. Bush put us where we should never have been." Yes, but, you see, there were these weapons-related program activities, and of course it's concievable that there might have been a link to Al Qaeda and... well, anyway, Kerry's an adulterer, so there.

The Machines Are Your Friends Those blame-America-firsters at Johns Hopkins' Information Security Institute have concluded a major study into electronic voting which shows that the process is "critically flawed." The experts found that Diebold's model, in particular, is "so deficient in security it could be compromised by a bright teenager intent on hacking an election." There has been a seeming avalanche of studies like this recently, all of which have led the government to one inescapable conclusion: The enforced use of electronic voting machines must continue as if nothing is the matter.

Our Nation's Deadliest Foe That's right: It's Canada. The U.S. Border Patrol is beefing up its operations along the frontier with our friendly northern neighbor, even moving hundreds of guards on the Mexican border up to Canada. Now, while Mexico has a proven history of porous borders creating a major headache for Southwestern U.S. states, that doesn't change the fact that sinister Al Qaeda operatives disguised as mounties could waltz across the border at any time and make hash of us hosers.

-Consider Arms

Mon, 16 Feb 2004 15:40:59 GMT

What This Town Needs Is A New Rock Critic

Trust No One. And I Mean NO ONE. A Kentucky man was charged Saturday with the murder of his wife and a female firefighter after a 6-hour standoff at his home. During the standoff a reporter talked to the man, Patrick Hutchinson, who after rambling on about Armageddon, the CIA and a conspiracy said, "We're going against the evil alien clones. I started with my wife."

To Ensure The Sacred, God-Given Bond Between A Man And An Unwilling Woman At A Jacuzzi In A Cheap Motel An Oklahoma state senator who is the author of "Defense of Marriage Legislation" is currently being investigated on charges of sexual battery at a Holiday Inn. He can join his federal partners in the defense of marriage crusade who include a man who handed his wife divorce papers as she lay on a hospital bed with cancer (Newt Gingrich), a man who has publicly told his viewers to pray for the immediate death of Supreme Court justices and openly wished for a nuclear bomb to level the Department of Defense (Pat Robertson), Gary Condit (enough said) and dozens of Senators and Congressmen working on their second and third marriages. Note to the Right: the declining marriage rate among young people has less to do with a sinister gay agenda than it does with everyone's fucked-up, divorced and dysfunctional heterosexual parents. Daily Apocalypse Watch Nice heartburn-inducing, sleep-ruining piece about the accelerating pace of global warming and melting ice caps. I feel like Little Man Tate.

The Hypocrites' Circle In The Inferno Was Made For You Sir More from the Alex P. Keatons of the world... The College Republicans group at Roger Williams University is offering a new scholarship eligible only to white students, a move the conservative fuck-faces say is designed to protest affirmative action. According to Jason Mattera, the 20-year old president of the group, "We think that if you want to treat someone according to character and how well they achieve academically, then skin color shouldn't really be an option." It shouldn't be an option, except for Puerto-Rican Mattera who is himself a recipient of a $5,000 scholarship open only to a minority group.

Maybe Someone Can Petition To Change The Name Of the Town Where PETA Is Located To "Retardopolis" A few years ago the fine dimwits at PETA led an unsuccessful attempt to get the town of Fishkill, New York to change their name and dangled 10,000 veggie burgers or something as a reward. Turns out that "kill" is an old Dutch word meaning pond, and the original settlers of Fishkill named it so after noticing that there was a lot of fish in their pond. Undeterred from looking like morons, PETA is now trying to get the town of Slaughterville, Oklahoma to change its name "which conjures up images of the violent and bloody deaths of terrified chickens, pigs and cows" to "Veggieville." Someone should tell the folks at PETA that the town was named after the owner of a turn of the century grocery store run by a man named James Slaughter. I'm glad that with mad cow diseases, various bird diseases and a nation enamored with the Atkins diet, PETA is focusing on changing the names of towns whose monikers have nothing to do with animal exploitation.

-The Sikh Geek