Ask Ahmad Chalabi

When the US government was looking for an Iraqi native to invest with supreme executive power after the fall of Saddam Hussein, they had only one criterion: He must be supremely wise. Their long search took them from London to Washington and back again, where they found the humble Ahmad Chalabi, who has gained the vast wealth of knowledge that only comes from long years of smoking cigarettes and wearing a suit in hotel lobbies.

ASK AHMAD CHALABI, June 20, 2003

Dear Ahmad,

After years of parking in grocery store parking lots, my poor car is riddled with dents and scratches. None of them are too big, but they’re big enough to drive me crazy! I don’t want to bring it to a garage and pay thousands of dollars, and I hear the kits they sell on TV are bogus. Do you have any tips for a distressed mom just trying to give her car a much needed makeover?

- Dented and Distressed, Dearborn, MI

Dear D&D:

Let me make sure I have this right: you come out of the grocery store to find your car banged up and bruised, yet the culprits are nowhere to be found? I’ve had a similar experience, one I talked to my good friend Judith Miller about back in April. It doesn’t exactly have much to do with cars and dents, but I’ll draw parallels and analogies where I can. You see, during Saddam Hussein’s brutal 30 year reign of terror, when I was simultaneously a scientist close to the Ba’ath Party and an exile who hadn’t set foot in the country since the 50’s, we had these things called "weapons of mass destruction," or "WMD’s" as they’re now called by hipsters in the press. Let’s say that the WMD’s represent the villains who smash up your car when you’re not looking. Now, shortly before the Iraq war started earlier this year (the war being grossly equivalent to, say, "you coming out of the store"), Saddam hid these offending WMD’s really well – just like the villains in your case fled the scene without leaving a note or anything. He hid them in schoolyards, under mosques – places that the people who smashed your car may be hiding, even. Now there’s this big hoopla in the media about the whereabouts of the WMD’s, but the truth is that they were just too well hidden. It doesn’t mean they were never there. Take a look at your case; you may not have witnessed the folks who broke your car, and you might not see them after the fact, but the dents are there, so you know it happened. I guess what I’m trying to say here, Dented and Distressed, is that the Iraqi people are free and Saddam Hussein is no longer a threat to his neighbors and that’s all that really matters.

Dear Ahmad,

So, what’s it like being married to Dr. Huxtable's old lady?

- Chris Paulsen, via email

Dear Chris,

Actually, I think you have me confused with Ahmad Rashad, the NBC sports announcer and former all-pro wide receiver for the Minnesota Vikings. Born Bobby Moore in Tacoma, Washington, Rashad became a Muslim in the 1970s and changed his name.  After retiring at 33, Rashad met his wife, Felicia, who went on to star as Mrs. Huxtable in the popular 1980s sitcom "The Cosby Show." Today, Rashad has moved from in front of the camera to behind it, and holds a job as executive producer with NBC Sports as well as making occasional appearances on shows like "Celebrity Mole." I hope this helps.

ASK AHMAD CHALABI, June 13, 2003

DEAR AHMAD:

My 2-year-old is turning into a little terror! I know every toddler goes through a phase when all he or she can do is say "no" and throw temper tantrums, but my little one is getting out of hand! I’m too scared to bring her on errands with me anymore for fear that she’ll just embarrass me again. I’ve tried everything to keep her in line but nothing seems to work. Please help me!

- Frustrated Young Mom, Atlanta, GA

DEAR FRUSTRATED YOUNG MOM:

Children certainly can be a blessing and a curse, at one moment little angels and the next tiny terrors. It’s often hard to strike the proper balance between discipline and support; indeed the amounts of each differ with every child. I’ll assume you’ve already tried using time outs and, in addition to that, I’ll give you one more little known tactic: elimination of the dividend tax. Trust me; as one with much experience reining in unruly children, I’ve found that nothing will frustrate a growing child more than the unfair double taxation of the dividend tax. I’ve found that, more often than not, simply eliminating such a tax will stop the problem by itself. Occasionally it is necessary to institute more drastic measures, like shifting the tax burden to the states and the middle class, but such things should only be considered for children with serious behavioral problems, not just the Terrible Twos. And don’t let any of your smug Democrat fellow parents dupe you into following their methods of appeasement; the spoiled little Democrat babies of today are the violent sex-offender, hippie welfare cheats of tomorrow.

HEY AHMAD:

What's the best Beatles album?

-David S., via email

DEAR DAVID:

Well, it's hard to say. Most critics would go with ‘Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band,’ but that's only because they haven't listened to the damn thing in years. It ages poorly, as I think you’ll find if you can forget about the one or two great songs. If you’re talking all-time classic statement of the Beatles’ art in album format, you have to be talking about ‘Revolver.’ On that LP, they reached a peak of experimentation and practical pop that they never touched again, unless of course you believe the lies of the liberal critics. I have it on good authority, in fact, that Bill Clinton and Saddam Hussein, among many other affinities, both consider ‘Sgt. Pepper’ to be the ne plus ultra of the Beatles’ ouvre.

Last update: 06/20/2003; 10:57:41 AM.