I am probably the only person on earth whose childhood ambition was to become a book critic. Today I would describe myself as just a critic. After all, why should I limit myself when opportunities in the field are nearly limitless? Below is my first forray into TV criticism...
CSI Las Vegas: a show written and acted by cyborgs
Before I start (and before I receive the cease-and-desist letter), I must describe myself as a fan of the show. I guess I started watching for the same reason people watch reality shows: to have a good laugh at the expense of others. There is nothing better than watching a show really try, and fail miserably at every step. Now I'm hooked, and there is no escape. I even started watching CSI Miami!
So why is CSI so bad? After much deliberation, I have come to the inevitable conclusion that the futuristic vision laid out in Terminator has actually come true in the form of a TV show that is written, directed, and produced without the assistance of real humans.
As a die-hard fan of the show, I have compiled some tips for the actors and writers of CSI, which, if followed faithfully, should make them appear even more human-like.
Pointers for cyborg actors
- Gil "pompous ass" Grissom": I can't decide which is worse: the jokes or the delivery. Stop stringing me along: going deaf is a great excuse to leave the show.
- Rick "handsome ex-gambler" Brown: squinting while you say your lines does not make your acting better. Neither does it add credibility to your delivery.
- Sara "I have no life outside CSI" Sidle: delivering your lines in a droning monotone will not help win friends and influence people.
- Catherine "I might be the only human on this show!" Willows: Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault that the writers' attempts at exploring your private life fall as flat as a fat woman off a tall building.
- Nick "a crazy guy actually wanted to steal my life!" Stokes: it's hard to play a scientist when you look like a linebacker...
- Jim "an actual cop!" Brass. Next time they ask you to drive home one of Grissom's "jokes", just say no.
- Al "The Coroner" Robbins: You could well be the other human on the show, but the fact that you approach putrefying corpses without a mask belies your fake identity.
- Greg "the geek" Sanders: The good news is that you're the coolest guy on this show. The bad news is, that's not saying much.
- Lady "The S&M Madam" Heather: Grissom? What in the world were you thinking?
Pointers for cyborg writers:
- It's OK ignore the fact that real people have private lives outside of work (see the X-Files). It's not OK to blame your bad writing in this department on your characters (those CSIs sure are loners). For more help on this, watch ER do an excellent job of what you fail at again and again.
- People's bodily fluids are not there for the taking. Note to research team: investigate mysterious "warrant" concept.
- People who work in the same field don't launch into monologues explaining scientific principles behind their work to their co-workers. Here's an idea: work it into the story.
- A plot by any other name...
Here's some recent setups from the show (to be fair, some of these plots might actually be from CSI: Miami, but who can tell the difference?)
- a club where people pour honey on one another
- a club where people paint themselves with day-glo paint
- a club where people cover themselves with foam
- an S&M brothel where people wear latex (two appearances so far)
Can you see the pattern?
- Full color, 3D graphics do not appear on computer screens in response to furious typing. Word to research team: mouse.
And last and not least: For God's sake, use a smaller sledgehammer to drive your points home! Yes, it is true that cyborg intelligence is far superior to us lowly humans, but some of us do have IQ's above 40. We get it already!
- Your biggest fan
1:48:16 PM 
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