 I
had a discussion the other day
with a friend who said that, in the opinion of several women he knew,
most men had become 'extra children' in their families, led around by
the nose, in fact if not in appearance, by their spouses or
girlfriends. This ceding of authority, responsibility and
decision-making is considered, he speculated, a fair trade-off by both
sexes.
Women haven't been pleased with how most men exercise their authority,
and are fed up with men's incompetence at making decisions, especially
financial ones. Meanwhile men have concluded that being the 'boss' of
the family is thankless
and usually more trouble than it's worth. My friend and I agreed that:
- Women
generally decide who their mates will be, rather than
men, despite courtship rituals designed to make it appear otherwise.
They also usually decide when and how the relationship will end, even if it's the male's actions (or lack thereof) that often precipitate this decision.
- If a man's home is his castle, it is the woman who
generally selects it and makes all key decisions on its layout and
operation.
- Women generally have final say on big-ticket financial
decisions of the partnership.
I find this completely unsurprising. In fact I think it is a natural
and healthy development, and hope it will become a global phenomenon.
In nature, it is not uncommon for male birds to build several nests
during mating season. The female signals her choice of home, and hence
of husband, by feathering the vacant nest of her
choice. The male builds only the exterior structure; the female does
all the interior 'decoration'.
What got me thinking further about this was a recent paean to women over fifty
by Andy Rooney, sent to me by fellow Slogger Susan Hales:
If an over 50 woman doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's
usually something more interesting. An over 50 woman knows herself well
enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants, and
from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a damn what you might
think about her or what she's doing...Over 50 women are generous with
praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be
unappreciated...Over 50 women are forthright and honest. They'll tell
you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever
have to wonder where you stand with them. We praise over 50
women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-dressed woman of 50+, there is a
bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some
22-year-old waitress.
 I
don't usually agree with Rooney but he's entirely right about this. If
the world were run solely by women over 50, it would be a much better
place. But I don't think the trend my friend was describing, the ceding
of authority and responsibility to women, is because men realize women
are better at running relationships, homes, and financial enterprises
(although generally they are). I think most men really are
children at heart. Given the choice, I think most men really don't want
responsibility; what they really want are four very simple things.
A few caveats before I enumerate these four things. First, what I am
about to say is a generalization, and generalizations can be dangerous,
and have many exceptions. Also, while I think I understand most men, from personal experience, I really don't understand conservative
men. This desire to discipline others, to dominate, to belittle and
judge and restrict, seems to me totally inhuman and unnatural, and the
best I can fathom is that conservatism is a kind of inherited disease,
since it seem to run in families. Instinct, common sense, and a modicum
of humour would seem to be cures for this disease, but unfortunately
the conservatives I know seem blessed with none of these.
 I should also say that I have no real idea what women want. I have a suspicion that they want the same four things as men, plus a fifth very practical thing: A secure and comfortable environment in which to raise healthy children.
But it's only a guess. I sense that they have taken over the
aforementioned authority and responsibility from men reluctantly rather
than out of thirst for power, and only because for the most part when
men exercise authority and responsibility they fuck it up royally.
And if you believe anything written by John Gray, the Mars/Venus guy
("men just want respect and admiration from their wives"), you will
find my list really annoying, because his list is almost the opposite
of mine. I won't tell you what you want to hear, since I'm not writing to be popular and sell a lot of books. I'm going to tell you the truth.
On to the list. Men really want four things, in this order of priority:
- Lazy, easy, fun sex with many different, enthusiastic partners. The old joke about the perfect day for a man
is no joke at all -- it's completely accurate. I remember during the
1970s when it was possible, and acceptable, to pick up (or just as
often, be picked up by) a new member of the opposite sex (or same sex
if you were so inclined) every day, and go home for sex just for fun. It was easy, there was no wooing or 'work' involved, there were no expectations, and it was pure pleasure. Women learned an enormous amount about what they, and what men, enjoyed sexually by sheer variety of experience, and they told you exactly what they wanted -- or they took the initiative and showed you.
And we learned a lot this way. We became competent in the selection and
use of sex toys, simply by practice, delightful trial and error. There
was no pressure, there were no rituals. It was play.
That's not to say it was shallow and emotionless. Sex was joyous,
uncomplicated, and the emotion was much like that of children playing
tag -- rich and energetic and ecstatic -- but we didn't take it personally. It wasn't a competition, with rules and restrictions. If it feels good, do it.
That was the only rule. Maybe that's immature, but so what? I certainly
felt the women with whom I played enjoyed this simple, pleasurable game
as much as I did. And not only was it physically pleasurable for both
partners, and great exercise, it was wonderful
for the ego. You can't share that many laughs and smiles with that many
women and not have (and give back) a very high sense of self-esteem. At
no time in my life did I give, or receive, so many genuine compliments.
Another new wonderful body to explore and discover each night, spooned
in front of you, or behind you. Waking you up with an exquisite and
experienced mouth on your lingam or yoni. And you were so relaxed and
sated that sometimes the sex was marathon -- two hours or four hours or
six hours and then more again in the morning. I even remember being
given permission from a laughing young lady to indulge in slow,
selfish, languorous seconds (or was it thirds) without waking her up
-- rather than being revolted that I could be so impersonal she was
flattered that I couldn't resist ravishing her body again so soon. And
she soon returned the favour, using a velcro ring to keep me 'up' as I
nodded off in blissful sleep, and then riding me all night long while I
faded in and out of delighted consciousness. Childsplay. With toys that
offered limitless variety, limitless pleasure. Every man's (and perhaps
woman's?) dream. Except it was reality. We had it. Why did we give it up? It's completely natural. John Prescott has hypothesized
that sexual repression as adolescents (along with neglect and abuse as
children) is the root cause of all human violence. Variety of partners
also encourages more genetic intermixing, which works with natural
selection to strengthen and evolve the species.
- To play games. I'm sure there are men out there who don't like playing games, but I've never met any. Many men's dream would be to play games all day long
(except when they weren't having lazy, easy, fun sex with many
different, enthusiastic partners of course). I personally don't play or
enjoy golf, but the game intrigues me because essentially it's a game
of solitaire, that you play with other people just to be sociable. Same
thing with fishing. Guys do it with other guys, but if you decide to
try to make the conversation serious and meaningful, expect to be
rebuffed. Banter is fine, but it's all about the game. It's not even
about winning (though that's fun, too, and it's important for whose who
aren't getting enough lazy, easy, fun sex with many different,
enthusiastic partners). Watch young animals of any species, male of
female, and see the joy and imperative of playing games. It's how we
learn, naturally and enjoyably.
- To make stuff.
The happiest men I know (other than the few who still get a lot of
lazy, easy etc. sex, or spend all day playing games) are guys that make
stuff. Go into any hardware or building supply store and watch the men.
They love spending time picking out and using these tools. Little boys
play with blocks even before they can be brainwashed into role
stereotypes. Even writers are in the construction business, using
rather more finicky tools. Like the male birds described earlier that
make multiple nests to attract mates, making stuff is in our DNA. It's
what we do.
- To move. As Bernd Heinrich explains in Why We Run, nature
encourages us to move, constantly, quickly, for enjoyment, by releasing
endorphins when we do. It is essential for exercise, health and
survival to be able to move well. And as Heinrich explains, birds often
fly for the sheer joy of moving fast, soaring, often aimlessly, even
doing aerials with their talons locked with other birds. As humans, we
have invented a lazier way of fulfilling this intuitive pleasure:
driving. Watch a man driving or motorcycling and witness bliss. Even a
guy on a riding mower is joy in motion.
 I'm
sure some of you are wondering where eating and drinking and partying
are on this list. I think men do these things only as poor (and less
healthy) substitutes for the Big 4 above. If they could spend all their
time doing the above four things, there would be no beer-bellies, no
alcoholics, no fighting. In fact, guys would start spending a lot
more time and attention on their health and appearance to stay
attractive to the opposite sex. They'd be a lot more adept at providing
sexual pleasure. And they'd be happier and easier to get along with.
Males of most species on our planet spend almost all their time engaged
in these four activities, except for an hour or so a day browsing for
food, which also has its pleasures. Alas, humans gave this all up
for the 'benefits' of civilization. So maybe it's not so bad that
civilization is doomed. The humans that build the next culture might
find that there's a much better, more joyous, way to live. That is, if
they study and learn from nature, instead of thinking they have all the
answers.
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MADE IN CANADA
trust your
instincts 
