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	July 28, 2004

WHAT ARE YOU TELLING ME? As mentioned last week, here are some of the 'tells' that, according to Peter Collett, people exhibit subliminally, and what they usually mean. In The Book of Tells Collett doesn't just describe body language, but other clues -- speech, behaviour etc. -- that may give away your intentions, fears or state of mind. He also explores political tells, the tells of British royalty, smokers' tells (and an explanation of the inherent eroticism of smoking), and even how the meaning of physical expressions differs from country to country. I'm more intrigued by the straight body language tells, the tacit, surreptitious signs that things are not all they seem. It is not surprising that more than half of all tells exhibit either dominant or submissive tendencies. Before humans invented language, these signals were used more overtly to establish the pecking order in prehistoric tribes. This ranking was not merely done as an act of bravado -- your placement in the pecking order from alpha to omega male or female was a critical determinant of your role in the tribe, and hence literally provided pre-literate instruction for 'what you did for a living' as part of the tribal community. Although Collett doesn't make the distinction explicitly, he suggests that the dominant and submissive signals each come in three 'flavours': Dominant/Threatening-Possessive (DT) signals -- "I'm the boss, do what I say or else" Dominant/Relaxed-Confident (DR) signals -- "I'm the boss, so I can let my guard down" Dominant/Controlling-Protecting (DC) signals -- "I'm the boss, and I make the decisions" Submissive/Deferring-Inviting (SD) signals -- "You're the boss, make your move" Submissive/Anxious-Shy (SA) signals -- "You're the boss, don't hurt me" Submissive/Helpless (SH) signals -- "You're the boss, what should I do" There's no mistaking the dog's DC signals and the fawn's SH signals in the picture above. But can you pick out the three dominant (DC) and three submissive (SD and SH) signals in the picture below? (Apologies for stealing this picture at random off the net, but it was an ideal illustration of Collett's theories) Here are some clues: Dominant signal (type) Corresponding Submissive signal (type) Body signals: Standing/sitting up very straight (DT) Sitting at the head of the table (DC) Standing planted legs astride (DT) Sitting with legs stretched out (DR) Sitting knees apart or ankle-on-thigh ('figure 4')(DR) Walking slowly and purposefully, arms swinging forward (DR) Body stretched out and asymmetrical (DR) Hands on hip (esp. with closed fist) (DT) Elbows out while walking (DT/DR) Approaching others head-on (DT) (there is no 'dominant' counterpart to the shrug) Slow breathing from abdomen (DR) Slouching forward (SD) Sitting half-way along the side of the table (SH) Standing legs crossed (SD) Standing on one leg, other bent behind or in front (SD) Sitting with legs drawn up beneath chair (SA) Sitting with legs or ankles crossed (SA) Walking briskly, arms still or back (SA) Body pulled in and symmetrical (SA) Hands at side, wrists exposed front (SD) Arms drawn in front while walking (SA) Approaching others slightly from the side or turned (SD) Shrug (SH) Fast breathing through upper chest (SA) Hand signals: Firm grasp of another's shoulder or arm (DT) Arms stretched out, flexing (DR) Handshake - very firm or hand above other's (DT) Steepling - fingers gently touching (DT) Talking with hands animated and raised (DC) Gentle touch of another (SD) Self-touching, self-gripping (SA) Stroking own hair (SA) Handshake - weak or hand angled palm-up (SD) Hands or fingers intertwined (SD) Talking with hands palms out or arms folded (SA) Facial signals: Head lowered and drawn back (DT) Lowered eyebrows, narrowed eyes (DT) Jaw thrust out (DT) Non-smiling or tight smile (DC) Frequent yawning (DT) Scowl, stare overtop eyeglasses (DC) Genuine smile, open mouth, narrowed eyes (DR) Oxbow mouth, bottom lip pushed up, corner of mouth down (DT) Head canted, neck exposed (SD) Head dipped briefly or nodding slowly (SD) Raised eyebrows, eyes wide open (SD) Jaw clenched (SA) Open smile (SD) Suppressed yawns (SD) Mouth-shrug (Parisian 'boff')(SH) False smile, eyes stay open (SD) Pout or oxbow mouth with quiver (SD/SA) Eye signals: Hold eye contact (DT/DC) Looking away from speaker (DC) Break eye contact first or shift side-to-side (SD) Looking intently at speaker (SD/SH) Speech signals: Talking first, most, interrupting, loudest, deepest (DT) Talking breathily, high-pitched (SD) Name-dropping, ingratiating (SD) Here are some other tells, not specifically with dominant or submissive messages, and their usual meaning: Signal Usual Meaning Body signals: Buttress stance - one foot pointed away, or tapping feet Concave hug - abdomen pulled back Convex hug - abdomen pushed out Chewing on eyeglasses Women: Frequently crossing/uncrossing legs Women: Tiptoe walk, arm backswing, back arch Men: Arm foreswing, palms pointed backwards "I want to leave" "I'm not comfortable with this intimacy" Seeking intimacy Seeking comfort Arousal Sexual invitation Sexual display Hand signals: Wipe skin under eye Patting during a hug Smoothing back of hair Constantly removing glasses Covering eye/mouth Cradling back of neck with arms Cradling neck tightly, elbows and chest out Framing face, head on hands Touching another's property Caressing objects Hands in pockets Finger or hand on mouth or nose Regret "Please let go now" "I'm about to leave" Evasiveness Trying to avoid bad news Self-reassurance Frustration or anger "Look at me" Desire to possess/control them Arousal Disengagement/withdrawal Concealing, dishonesty Facial signals: Broad, closed-mouth smile Tongue showing between lips Brief tongue-flick Forehead kiss Rapid swallowing, bobbing Adam's apple Pulling both lips in Biting one lip Women: Hair flick Licking lips or brief, mouth-only smile Straight (stone) face Concealing "Back off" Embarrassment Protectiveness Anxiety Anxiety or dishonesty Self-restraint Sexual invitation Sexual invitation Concealing, dishonesty Eye signals: Eye-puff (eyelids drawn back) Frequent blinking Series of 3 quick glances, or sideways glance Slightly extended gaze, or eye-flicker (raised eyelids) Dilated pupils Hooded eyes (eyebrows up, eyelids lowered) Sexual invitation Anxiety or deceitfulness Sexual invitation Sexual invitation Arousal of one kind or another Arousal or haughtiness The most important message of the book is that being alert for tells is far more important than researching what they probably mean. In many cases, especially if we know someone well, we become 'blind' to their body language, and even with strangers you need merely be observant to pick up on the visual clues presented by people with their posture, hand, body, facial and eye movements -- usually the meaning is quite obvious. After all, this is how we communicated as a species before we invented language, so we shouldn't be surprised that to the careful observer, most tells are dead give-aways. Some other interesting tidbits from the book: Collett says men who like thin (and plucked) eyebrows like submissive women, while those (like me) that prefer fuller female eyebrows tend to like their women to be more aggressive. I took a look at all the pictures of attractive (to me) women that I've posted on my blog and they almost all have full eyebrows. A lot of these tells don't apply with close friends, with whom we are generally more honest and trusting, and less likely to play 'power games'. In many ways today, a hug is more intimate than a kiss on the cheek. Sometimes dominant individuals deliberately (if unconsciously) exhibit submissive tells, as a means of lessening tension and appearing more accessible (a favourite ploy of politicians), and sometimes submissive individuals will exhibit dominant tells to conceal feelings of weakness. These are what Collett calls 'false tells', and in some ways they are more telling than 'real' ones. The book misses a tell that I'm famous for, and one that I've only ever seen exhibited in meetings by executives -- the arms on top of the head, hand on wrist, elbows out. The very picture of stag antlers, and a classic dominance display. Do I really buy all of this? No, and I've excluded some of the signals in the book that I thought were way over the top. Jumping to conclusions based on signals that may just indicate sunburn or asthma or a bad night's sleep, is foolish, even dangerous. But pop psychology is fun if you don't take it too seriously. It makes people-watching in restaurants and meetings a hoot. It makes you more observant, about other things beside subliminal signals. What's hard is explaining to people that you think you've 'caught' what you're laughing about. (Top photo above is circulating by e-mail, and I don't know where it originated. Bottom photo is from the Northeast Illinois U website, identity of the people depicted unknown. ) 12:18:38 PM  trackback []  comment []

© Copyright 2004 Dave Pollard. Last update: 02/08/2004; 3:42:15 PM.