 I'm in the process of reading Derrick Jensen's Walking on Water, a Gattoesque
condemnation of our education systems. Although I'll save his comments
on how to help people learn more effectively for another post, he makes
two points that apply to more than just learning. Although Jensen is
one of the world's most relentlessly pessimistic critics of modern
society, when he tries to make people learn he is always complimentary, positive, respectful and encouraging -- a cheerleader
who believes his purpose is to enable people to realize their potential
and focus on their strengths, not to browbeat them about their
failures. And at the same time he is always honest to a fault.
When he cannot honestly be complimentary, he says nothing. When it is
necessary to challenge a suggestion, a concept or an idea, his
criticism is always indirect and focused on how to make it better, not
what's wrong with it. His responses are more likely to start with what if than but, and more likely to end with a question mark than an exclamation point.
What's more common, I think, in the Western world anyway, and not just
in our education systems, is the exact opposite. We love debate. Our
television and movie entertainments (both comedic and dramatic) are
full of arguments, the more heated the better. A clever all-out rant is
invigorating and fun to hear or read. In meetings we jump all over new
proposals like vultures. Some teachers and professors pride themselves
on reducing their students to tears. And when we are
complimentary, it's often dishonest -- to salve our guilt, to seduce
someone, for some other ulterior motive or just to bring an unpleasant
or boring conversation to a quick close.
We are equally poor at accepting
compliments, probably because we're so used to them being dishonest or
at least insincere. We expect they are often sycophantic, and meant for
the consumption of others in the room more than for the recipient.
So I have a proposal. I want to start a Whisper Campaign. Sometime in the next 30 days, identify someone you genuinely admire, and when the opportunity presents itself, whisper, or say in a low voice, when no one else is paying attention: You're amazing. And then just smile, pat them on the shoulder or shake their hand, and walk away.
Now I can hear you saying to yourself this won't possibly work.
Worse, it might get you charged with sexual harassment, pandering, or
even infidelity. That's why it's important not to say it loud and not
when anyone else can eavesdrop. It is less likely to be startling or
embarrassing if it's said quietly. The smile is to let them know you're
sincere and not being sarcastic (and don't tell me people won't assume
you were being sarcastic -- without the smile and the pat they might
just stay awake all night fretting about what you really meant). And by just walking away you make it clear that you're not expecting, or waiting for, a response. But make absolutely sure it's sincere -- if your motive for saying it is to get anything in return don't say it (if you do, and it backfires, you deserve it -- you're cheapening the compliment and spoiling the Campaign for the rest of us).
What do you think will happen? At the very least, you will make that
person feel better. It's very possible they will ask you, when you next
meet, what motivated you to say it, and why you did it that way.
Just be honest, tell them you said it because you meant it, tell them
that we are all too shy about complimenting people who deserve it, and
if you like, tell them that some guy on the Internet is trying to start
a Whisper Campaign to get everyone who receives such a compliment to pass it on to someone they really admire and from whom they want and expect nothing in return. Don't be specific and don't try to justify it in more detail than that. If they even try
to return the compliment, politely stop them and explain that the
Whisper Campaign is like Tag or Pay It Forward -- no tag-backs are
allowed.
I've done this three times recently -- just as a test, but sincerely in
each case. I got two beaming smiles back (even before I turned to walk
away). I got one look of shock or puzzlement. To my surprise they all
smiled at me when I next spoke to them and none of them mentioned my
compliment again. This was better than I expected -- no thank you's and
no awkward follow-ups to deal with. Were they too embarrassed to bring
it up? Did they think I had temporarily lost my senses and want to
spare me embarrassment? Or did it just work
-- make them feel better, and possibly rub off by giving them the
courage to pass on compliments to others? Since they never asked about
it again, I couldn't formally start the Campaign with them, but I kinda
think it has worked anyway.
If you try it, please let me know how it works for you. We may not
start a meme, but maybe in a small way we'll make the world a little
better, a little happier, a little more honest.
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5:33:30 PM 
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MADE IN CANADA
trust your
instincts 
