Now, thanks to a new FEC ruling that says bloggers (online journalists) are
journalists, and entitled to the rights and freedoms thereof, How to
Save the World can finally reveal the horrifying truth that explains
the strange decisions made by global political leaders since 9/11. This journal has learned, from a highly-placed top-secret government source (I promise I won't tell, CP!) that more than four years ago at a special closed meeting of G8 leaders, those leaders opted, for security reasons, to have themselves replaced by clones created using a new South Korean process, and since then have been living in luxurious retirement in Fiji.
The clones, while physically identical to the leaders they replaced,
have periodically behaved in bizarre and unpredictable ways, and have
even reportedly regressed to an earlier evolutionary state, exhibiting
chimp-like behaviours. While this has not posed any recognizable
problem in the case of the clones of US president George Bush or
then-prime minister of Canada Jean Chretien, in the case of some other
G8 leaders like Tony Blair the simian behaviour has been quite
noticeable. The Blair clone has been caught on several occasions
mimicking the ape-like behaviour of uncloned fellow Briton Margaret
Thatcher, including occasionally throwing his own feces at political
opponents.
Accordingly, the few advisors to the G8 leaders who were in on the top-secret cloning process, devised the Strategic Dartboard System
(SDS) to enable the clones to make plausible decisions even in the
absence of these advisors. Under the SDS program, four possible
alternatives are devised and attached to dartboards using yellow
Post-It Notes, and the clones then select which alternative to pursue
by throwing a dart until it lands on one of the yellow notes. If you
have noticed that G8 leaders have recently been disappearing completely
from view for a few days after national emergencies, this is because it
takes some time to train the clones to throw the darts accurately and
to absorb the 'talking points' given to them to reflect the 'decision'
that the dart program has made for them. After Hurricane Katrina, for
example, the Bush clone became alternatively sullen and hysterical,
throwing darts at his own advisors and at the spouses of outed CIA
operatives instead of at the board, and became flustered at having to
recite multisyllabic words in the talking points like 'accountability'
and 'preparedness'.
Our top-secret informant has furnished this journal with four photos of decisions made using SDS:
In 2002, when the Afghanistan War began running off the rails, and with
public impatience over the failure to catch those responsible for 9/11
growing, the George Bush clone made this momentous throw to decide how
to resolve the situation:
Shortly thereafter, the Tony Blair clone decided how the UK government would respond using this throw:
Fortunately for Canada, the Jean Chretien clone, using the identical
dartboard, failed in 60 consecutive attempts to hit the dartboard,
instead hitting his soon-to-be successor Paul Martin 28 times; as a
result, he decided to do nothing about the Iraq situation, and instead
turned his attention to the problem of what to do about the threat of
Quebec separation. Money was available from the Canadian budget surplus
to fund a pro-federalism campaign, so the Jean clone, hitting the board
on the first try, made this unexpected and fateful decision on how to
distribute the campaign moneys:
Of course, successor Paul Martin could not be told of the secret
cloning of the G8 leaders, including that of his predecessor, which is
why he was completely unaware of the decision. That decision has drawn
both men into a scandal that threatens to make federal elections a
monthly process in Canada for the foreseeable future. Martin,
recovering from dart wounds for months before Chretien stepped down,
was never even made aware of the dartboard that was used for several
years to determine government policy, and immediately began making
government policy decisions using 'logic', which has threatened to
undermine the entire SDS program. Accordingly, the G8 clones have been
working furiously to get Martin's minority government defeated, by
supporting Canadian Conservative leader Stephen Harper's bids to topple
the government. Harper, while not a South Korean program clone, is
reportedly a clone of former Canadian prime minister Brian Mulroney,
whose bizarre behaviour is not perceivably different from that produced by clones following the SDS program.
More recently, the Bush clone used the dartboard to make this critical
decision on how to deal with the largest national debt in the history
of civilization:
The dartboard has also been behind the very quick Bush clone
nominations to the Supreme Court. Rather than using yellow Post-It
Notes for these decisions, four cards were simply selected at random
from Karl Rove's rolodex. |
MADE IN CANADA
trust your
instincts 
