 At a time of great distress and grief, the thought of having to speak
to children about the loss of a loved one can bring on an unbearable
additional anxiety. We no longer live in a world where children
frequently witness death as a part of life, and so it is hard for them
to grapple with, and hard on us to try to figure out how best to break
such tragic news to them and help them through their own, unique stress
and grief. They go through the same five stages that we do, in their own way. Furthermore, they may sense and 'feed off' our own
unhappiness and anxiety. Here are ten things that we can do to make
this difficult task a little easier:
Talk about it when you see it in everyday life
Although seeing human death first-hand is rare for children, the deaths
of animals, and the stories about deaths in the media, can provide an
opportunity to open a dialogue with children and get them accustomed to
thinking about death as a natural process, and to engage them in
discussions about what it means and how they feel about it. The loss of
a pet, or a friend's pet, or the sight of a dead bird or animal in the
wild provides an opportunity to do this. So do stories in the media
about the deaths of famous people, accidents, and stories about war or
epidemic disease. Literature, even children's fairy tales, and
television and the movies, often portray death in strange or dramatic
ways that allow adults the chance to probe children's knowledge and
feelings on the subject, and help them deal with it more effectively
when a more personal situation arises later.
Listen, be honest, patient, reassuring and calming
In the stress to explain a tragic event to a child, there may be a
temptation to do all the talking. It is important to listen carefully
to what the child is saying, and not to anticipate or judge what he or
she says. If his or her response seems casual or harsh, pay attention
not only to the words but to the child's body language and facial
expression as well. We can't expect children to be articulate about
this subject, so it is important to give them time to express
themselves, and to give ourselves time to understand what they are
feeling behind the words they say. We must also be reassuring, and not
lead the child to believe it is someone's fault (especially
not the child's) -- children often take stern or tearful discussions
with adults to mean they, the child, must have done something wrong, so
we must explicitly avoid or correct any such misimpression. And as hard
as it may be in the face of our own anger and fear, it is important
that we remain calm, even if the child's initial reaction is, as it is
commonly, one of anger or fear.
Admit you don't know all the answers
There is a natural tendency for children, faced with confusing and
unexpected news, to be full of questions, some of which have no
answers. There is likewise a tendency for adults, trying to make the
child at ease in the situation, to try to come up with all the answers,
in case the adult's uncertainty causes the child even more unease --
adults, after all, usually claim to have all the answers, or at least
know where to 'look them up'. Honesty requires that we admit, in these
situations, that we "just don't know the answer to that". An answer
that the child senses is made up, or not really believed, can create
more unease and even distrust than an honest, simple "We don't know".
Talk about different beliefs about what happens after we die
We may be inclined to tell children what we personally believe happens
after someone dies, to use this opportunity to give them this important
message and reassure them (and perhaps ourselves at the same time). But
even in such difficult circumstances it can be helpful to explain that
different people have different beliefs about what happens after we
die. This increases the credibility of your admissions that you don't
have all the answers, and provides an opportunity to turn some of the
grief to learning and exploration, which is a powerful healer. Talking
about these alternatives can discharge some of the raw emotion and at
the same time help the child come to grips on his or her own terms with
the consequences of death, and hence help him or her be better prepared
for the next time they face the loss of a loved one.
Keep the message short and simple but be available
It is usually better to state the facts calmly, simply and briefly,
rather than going into detail and trying to anticipate and respond to
the child's questions and taxing his or her attention span. Then
listen. The child will tell you if he or she needs more answers now. It
is not uncommon for information like this, which the child usually has
no frame of reference to digest, to take a while to sink in. This is
not insensitivity. When he or she is ready with more thoughts or
questions, that's the time to continue the discussion, so it's
important to remain available and open to such conversations, even if
they continue for an extended period of time.
Talk in concrete terms about what will and won't happen now -- how the death will affect the child's own life
This, too, can be difficult to handle, since the questions and concerns
of the child may seem very self-centred, even selfish. Appreciate that
children know they are dependent on adults, and need to know whether
that dependence will be changed or compromised by the loss of someone
close. Try to see the situation from the child's vulnerable point of
view and reassure him or her, as much as possible, that little if
anything will change in his or her life, and if there will be changes,
what specifically will they be, when will they occur, and what are the
important implications for the child. When they are powerless, children
seek and need consistency, and in these situations we should try to
give them that as much as we can.
Avoid confusing metaphors about death
As a coping mechanism, adults often resort to metaphors -- being
"called to Heaven", "eternal sleep", "going away", "passed on to the
other side" etc. They have a calming and sympathetic effect on us
because we know they are metaphors. By contrast, a child will usually
take such expressions literally and can become very confused or
distraught by them. If the loved one was "taken by the angels" could
the angels come for him or her too? If death is an "eternal sleep"
should we be afraid to go to sleep in case we don't awaken? If a senior
relative died "of a protracted illness" should we be terrified of dying
every time we get a cold? Children often don't have enough grounding in
the beliefs of a religion early in their lives to be able to handle a
lot of perplexing explanations about the afterlife all of as sudden
when a loved one dies. That doesn't mean denying one's religious
convictions, but rather, unless the child has been taught these beliefs
before and is comfortable with them, keeping the explanations short,
simple and factual, avoiding the use of confusing and unfamiliar
metaphors, and explaining other adults' use of confusing metaphors as
just "adults' way of talking about things" -- not to be taken literally.
Be cautious of idealizing a deceased child in front of other children
Again, idealizing a lost loved one, especially one who died young, is a
natural behaviour and sign of respect and appreciation for the deceased
and his or her family. But this, too, can be troubling to surviving
children who may feel they now have a burden to 'live up' to a
near-impossible standard and to fill the enormous empty space that the
deceased's loss has left behind. That's unfair to surviving children
and they may well 'act out' their sense of resentment at being put in
an impossible position. If the child cannot be expected to appreciate
that the idolization is an act of kindness to surviving adults, it may
be better to keep him or her out of earshot of such expressions.
Be careful of suddenly becoming over-protective of children
When a loved one is lost, there is a naturally tendency to become more
protective of children in one's care, but if carried to an extreme this
can suffocate the child and cause fear, anxiety or resentment. This is
something adults need to talk to each other about, to make sure they
are not overreacting and causing undue additional stress to the child.
Prepare children for visits to hospitals and funerals
A funeral, or a visit to a hospital to see a dying person, can be very
traumatic to children who aren't prepared and don't know what to
expect. It's important to tell them calmly and factually exactly what
they are going to see and hear, including preparing them for the
emotional outpouring of adults who are usually calm. It is more
important that the child know what to expect than why, so there is,
again, no need to answer questions that haven't been asked. It's also
important that children have a choice about whether or not to attend
these events. They should not feel coerced one way or the other. This
decision of each child is a critical step in learning to take
responsibility for one's own decisions.
This list was prepared
with the guidance and inspiration of several articles written by
experts in the subject, most notably an extensive presentation on
this subject by Dr JW Worden reproduced at hospicenet.org. |
MADE IN CANADA
trust your
instincts 
