"25
things about me" collage; thanks to Pete McGregor
for #25; all other photos except #8, #10, #16 by the author
On
Saturday I mentioned the '25 Things About Me' meme, and suggested there
probably aren't 25 things about me of any significance that I haven't
already disclosed at some point in this blog's 2,332 posts. It occurred
to me, though, that there may well be 25 things that I'm not,
that a lot of readers think I probably am, or hope I will be,
or expect that I should be.
It has taken me a long time to really know myself, and in the process
I've discovered some things that I know I'm not, and will probably
never be. We can all be open to change, but sometimes it is a voyage
that not only isn't completed, but that runs aground before it has
barely begun. So while I confess to no pride (and no little
embarrassment) at some of these admissions, I know myself well enough
that I can say with some confidence that they are, beyond mere excuses,
integrally not
who I am.
Dave's
25 Personal Non-Qualities:
- Mature:
I have spent much of my life under either the stupor of depression or
the stupor of blissful complacency. As a result I have never really
grown up, and remain childlike in many ways: I am easily distracted. I
tire easily. I am self-preoccupied. I am recklessly impulsive ("Oh,
nice doggy, let me pet him; Oh, nice flower, let me pick it"). I lose
interest quickly. In a child all of this is tolerable. In an adult it
is dangerous, potentially hurtful, and annoying.
- Sensitive:
This is a word with two very different meanings: (a) Alert and
sensitive to others' feelings, and (b) Easily upset. It is usually good
to be the former, often not so good to be the latter. I am, for the
most part, neither, though I'm trying to be the former.
- Emotionally
Intelligent or Emotionally Articulate:
Emotional intelligence goes beyond being alert to and sensitive to
others' feelings. It is the ability to use that sensitivity to
sense, understand and respond to others' emotions in helpful ways, and
to articulate feelings clearly and powerfully. I'm incompetent at this,
despite years of trying and frustrating practice.
- Attentive
(or a Good Listener): I think
we live in a world of distraction, and epidemic attention disorder, and
in that respect I am about average, which is not good. I don't remember
faces, or names, or places, or what people said, or what happened. I am
convinced this is largely because I don't pay attention, except in rare
moments when I am alone, in natural places. I don't think I'm incapable
of paying attention when people are around; I just don't think to do
it.
- Demonstrative
or Affectionate: As a
consequence of my lack of maturity (personal non-quality #1 above), I
tend to get wildly enthusiastic about people and ideas and information
and works of art initially, and gush about them, and then kind of
retreat (= O.F. draw back)
and become very English about these things. I start to love and
appreciate these people and things without showing it, which is
understandably infuriating.
- Caring
for Humanity: I seem to have
been, for most of my life, misanthropic, and nothing seems to improve
it. I don't know if it's because I expect people to be smarter and know
better than they do, or because our species is, after all,
precipitating the next great extinction of life on this planet. I do
enthusiastically (but undemonstratively: personal non-quality #5 above)
love people who are exceptionally intelligent, imaginative, emotionally
strong, emotionally sensitive (in sense (a) rather than sense (b) of
personal non-quality #2 above) and who are articulate in one way or
another (doesn't have to be emotionally or even verbally). It's just
all the rest of humanity I don't care much for. I genuinely prefer the
company of wild creatures to that of most humans.
- Well-Coordinated
Physically: I have taken
lessons from experts three time to learn to dance, and likewise to
learn to swim; I can do neither. I can't touch-type. I have taken a
combined twelve years of music lessons and cannot play an instrument
(though I can and do compose music). My instructors get exasperated.
"You're not trying, you're not paying attention, you're not
practicing", they lament. Well, they're wrong. I'm doing my best to do
all three, but to no avail.
- An
Activist: I mean this in the
narrow sense of someone who doesn't just advocate change, but actually
physically moves to implement it. My role is to imagine possibilities
and write about it. All artists, in the broad sense of provoking
understanding and appreciation and action in others, are activists. But
in the narrow sense we're not. I don't believe in trying to change
huge, dysfunctional, resistant systems (you can get hurt, you'll
generally accomplish nothing, and in the long run they'll collapse
anyway, so as Bucky says, we should instead invent a new way that
renders the old system obsolete). And I don't believe in trying to
change people's minds either (as Daniel Quinn says, it's a waste of
time until they're ready, at which time they'll change themselves). I
hate fights and confrontation, even in a good cause.
- A
Quick Study: I often have to
write things down five times before I really internalize them. Some of
the wisdom in my Save
the World Reading List is still
giving me Aha! moments, five years after I read it. It just seems to
take forever to sink in. This simple
realization took three years:
I
am, after all, just the space through which stuff passes, a part of the
unfathomably complex dance of all-life-on-Earth, learning to improvise
which of that passing-through stuff to touch, and which to just let go.
"Ah, I know how I can make this better,
or clearer, or more interesting, or more useful, or more innovative, or
more fun --
there!" Just being the space,
and touching the right stuff in just the right way as it passes
through.
Duh!
And when someone tells me something, shows me something, shows me how
to do something, it's as if suddenly my brain and senses lose all
faculty, and they have to show/tell me again and again, and still I
don't seem to get it, remember it, be able to embrace it and use it.
- Realistic
and Practical: I'm an
idealist. I seem incapable of giving up on ideals in order to
acknowledge and work towards something that can practically be
realized. If it doesn't work like it should ideally, I am somehow able
to convince myself that there is something wrong with the design, or
the designer, or the implementation, or the implementation team. "It
shouldn't work that way. It should be able to work this way," I shout,
even when it clearly doesn't.
- Reasonable
About Human Vices:
Cruelty, dishonesty, manipulation, unfairness, greed, arrogance,
negativity, closed-mindedness: I just lose it when I face people or
situations that manifest these "qualities". I become irrational. You
don't want to be near me.
- Good
at Details: Perhaps this is
an offshoot of personal non-quality #1 above. At 30,000 feet I'm your
guy. Once we get on the ground I get lost easily, and start falling all
over stuff.
- Good
at Follow-Through: I love to
start stuff, but once we get to the implementation, the measurement,
the tweaking, the continuous improvement stuff, better put someone else
in charge.
- A
Good Conversationalist: Even
though I appreciate good conversational skill enormously, I remain
incompetent at it, and often "converse" better in IM than on the phone
or face-to-face, despite my slow four-finger typing. I just write
better than I speak. Part of it is personal non-quality #4 above. But
part of it is just oral inarticulateness: I seem to be unable to put
together spoken words coherently extemporaneously.
- Patient,
Persistent or Perseverent:
Also perhaps an offshoot of personal non-qualities #1, #8 and #10
above. I give up too easily. I hate to work hard, or confront problems
directly, and when I have to, I get discouraged easily, worn out,
convinced it's not worth the trouble. "It shouldn't have to be this
hard."
- Self-Sufficient:
Possibly a consequence of personal non-qualities #7 and #12 above. I am
not dependent on others, but I lack survival skills.
- Humble
or Modest: I love myself, and
think highly of myself. No apologies for this. No low self-esteem here.
This list was actually pretty hard for me to come up with :-).
- Optimistic:
Einstein observed that the more he, and those he knew, learned about
the world, the more pessimistic they tended to become. My awareness of
how much suffering we're willing to tolerate in this world is enough to
keep me from ever being an optimist. I remain, however, cheerfully
pessimistic (that is not an oxymoron). I found the thorougly
pessimistic Straw
Dogs a confirming and uplifting
book, and I love Ambrose Bierce's priceless definition
of man:
An
animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to
overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is
extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however,
multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole
habitable earth, and Canada.
- Good
at Letting Go: Possessions
mean little to me, but ideas and beliefs are hard for me to give up.
And I often try to control situations and relationships, when I should
just let them develop, emerge, be what they are meant to be.
- Hard-Working:
I work in fits and
starts. I work hard for awhile and then I need a break, to do something
else, or do nothing. And when I face adversity, I tend to lose heart,
and energy. This is probably a consequence of personal non-quality #1,
and of my metabolism, which is that of a sprinter, not a marathoner.
- Good
at Commitments: I'm not
willing to fight for anything. I avoid debates and arguments. I'm
polyamory. Seems like a contradiction of personal non-quality #19, I
know.
- Adventurous
or Courageous: I tend to
believe we appear courageous when we have no choice but to do something
risky. Perhaps it's the fact I've always had choices that has made me
risk-averse. I'm not complacent, just cowardly. I usually need a push
(but see personal non-quality #24 below).
- A
Leader: I don't consider this
a bad quality, though many do. A lot of people want to be told or shown
what to do, and I don't like doing that. I'm a believer in the wisdom
of crowds, in consensus, in non-hierarchical organization, and in
self-directed learning (and unschooling). I do the best I can, and try
to be a model for others. I try to remove obstacles that prevent others
from doing what they do best, or need to do. Other than that, I just
suggest ideas, and stay out of the way.
- Good
Under Pressure: I handle
stress very badly. Push me and I'll generally push back or walk away.
Take me for who am I (and who I am not) or beware... I've given up
rising to others' expectations. It was bad for my health.
- Grace-ful:
I used to call this "presence" but I now use that word to
mean something quite different (i.e. the capacity to be present, fully
in the moment). And I don't mean graceful in the sense of physical
carriage, though that's a manifestation of it. I mean it in the sense
of being always 'together', measured, calm, considered and considerate,
focused and relaxed at the same time. I'm working on personal
non-qualities #2(a), 3, 4, 14, 15, 17 and 19 (the others I don't expect
to
ever acquire), and I suspect that if I succeed with making these seven
qualities part of who I am, I will in the process have acquired a
modicum of grace.
If you do get to know me, this list might be useful. If you expect me
to be any of these things, you are likely to be disappointed, in which
case see personal non-quality #24.
I do, however, have a lot of good qualities. But because of personal
non-quality #17, you all know what they
are.
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