Dave Pollard's environmental philosophy, creative works, business papers and essays.
In search of a better way to live and make a living, and a better understanding of how the world really works.

	Monday, April 6, 2009

Why Polyamory is Good for You... and the World For those new to this blog, polyamory is loving more than one person at a time, without jealousy or possessiveness. This was the way I lived throughout much of my young life (in the 1970s), and the way I have begun to live again since the end of my marriage in 2007. Nothing I have espoused on this blog has stirred up more animosity than my position on this subject. I have been threatened and denounced whenever I've written about it. It's clear that many people find the very idea of polyamory threatening. So maybe I should start by clarifying a few things about it. First of all, a poly lifestyle requires absolute honesty. It's vital that everyone you enter into a relationship with knows (a) that you are poly, and (b) the identity of the other people you love. No waiting until after you (or another person) has fallen in love. No concealing who and where your other partners are. Secondly, poly is a behaviour choice, not something you're "born" being, or not being. It's not like being gay. We are all capable of being poly, provided we can develop compersion (the capacity to take pleasure in the enjoyment by someone you love, of their love for another). Some people think we would all be 'naturally' poly if it weren't for the pro-monogamy religious and cultural indoctrination we receive from childhood. Whatever the reason for our culture's insistence on monogamy, as a consequence love in our society is scarce, meted out stingily, and the inevitable result is jealousy, envy, despair and violence. So the advantages of polyamory (to us as individuals, and to the world as a whole) are pretty clear: We all like to be loved, and poly allows us to love many people, and creates an abundance of love instead of scarcity. It is asking a lot to expect one person to give everything to another that they want or need -- poly reduces demands and unreasonable expectations on us. With poly relationships, you have a broader support network to draw upon, so if you (or someone you love) has health problems, is dealing with trauma, or has dependent children or seniors, there is more than one person to share the care-giving work. Poly teaches you (by necessity) skills that make you a more lovable and valuable community member, skills that will be critical to know to cope with 21st century crises: communication skills, compersion, self-knowledge, honesty, patience, consensus-building, conflict resolution etc. It reduces the negative emotions and violence often associated with monogamy. There are a lot of misconceptions about polyamory (some of which I perpetuated in some of my earlier articles, since I didn't know any better). It's very rare for a community of poly people to love everyone that the people who they love, love. As the network diagram above illustrates, while there may be triads (groups of three people who all love each other) or quartets (groups of four, each of whom loves two of the three others), the more common situation is a far-flung network where many of the people in the poly community do not love or even know each other (though if they are partners of someone they love, it's essential they at least know of them). In that respect it's not that different structurally from networks of friends. Despite this, it's important that people who love someone who is poly not misconstrue their relationship as a 'couple' relationship -- the term 'couple' is one based in monogamy culture, and its use in poly relationships is potentially dangerous. Couple means two; poly means more than two. Some poly people have identified 'primary' relationships -- those that are acknowledged by all parties to be deeper and take primacy over their other 'secondary' relationships. This is again a personal matter, depending on each individual's preferences and needs, and it needs to be clearly communicated. I have a loving relationship with a woman who I am not the primary partner of, and with another woman who is monogamous (but who appreciates that I am not). I personally am not looking for any primary relationship; I am looking for 3-4 loving relationships to fulfil what I am looking for, and to give expression to what I have to offer. I confess that being poly is demanding -- time, the scarcest resource, needs to be managed carefully. Especially if the people you love live far away, there are limits to how many people you can sustain a loving relationship with at one time. The issue of cohabitation can also be problematic. It's not necessary to live with any or all of the people you love, but if you do, you can quickly run afoul of monogamy-based common law marriage regulations (which may rule you to be 'equivalent to married' if you cohabit for more than a certain period), or zoning regulations (that may restrict residency in any one house or apartment to one monogamous 'couple'). Likewise, a polyamory relationship may or may not entail economic sharing -- this is up to the parties involved to negotiate (and they need to be aware of potential legal complications). And despite our society's preoccupation with sex, poly relationships do not have to be sexual. There are many forms of love, and I've had loving relationships that were non-sexual that were among the most profound in my life. Chemistry always has a lot to do with who we love, but I think it's possible to approach the decision on who, and how many, to love, pragmatically and analytically. Much the way monogamous singles compose ads for dating services identifying what they are looking for and what they offer, it's quite possible for a poly person to assess what they're looking for, and what they offer, in multiple relationships, and look for people to love with these factors in mind. In my case, I've identified five things I look for (and offer) in loving relationships: exceptional intelligence, emotional strength, emotional sensitivity, imagination, and excellent communication skills (oral and written). I've also written about "the ten things I do" -- things I love doing and do reasonably well (see diagram below). Five of those things are relatively social activities, while five are relatively solitary. So what I'm looking for are people with these five qualities that can be applied to the five social activities. The people I love now have these qualities. But I'm still open to more loving relationships, especially if they're people physically close to where I live, or hope to live. Some people probably think that's greedy, or shows an unwillingness to make a commitment to one person. But if we can create a world of abundant love in place of today's world of scarce love, why should we limit ourselves to one, or ration our own love to just one other? Category: Being Human 7:01:25 AM  trackback []  comment []

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