Stephen Downes, in response to my article If Not Intentional Community, Then What?, wrote, and then elaborated:
Where did the idea that you're missing something in your life come from?
The
reason I ask is, I wonder how much you have analyzed the origins and
the contents of your own beliefs - where did they come from, what
motivates them, what their impact is on your life. Because some of the
messaging I see in your posts seems to mirror commercial messaging.
Which would mean that there will be a certain sense in which the issues
can be dissolved, rather than resolved*.
Take, for example, the whole thing about polyamorism. What would make
you think that there is some sort of 'right' answer to the question of
whether you should have one or more than one partner. Why does this
become a debate in your life? Where does this issue come from?
Stephen always asks intelligent questions, and I've been thinking about these questions a lot.
Like
Stephen, I tend to be somewhat contrary by nature. We're both natural
skeptics of conventional wisdom, and acutely aware of the fact that,
although we are social animals, we are always vulnerable to propaganda.
I think my answer to his questions lies in that tension. I've recently been talking about Love Conversation Community
as the Answer to Everything, or at least the best approach to complex
questions and issues. Love, conversation and community are all
intensely social activities, especially if you take the Improv "Yes, And..." approach to them, where you build on what others have said, collaboratively, consensually, accessibly, in relation to others.
But
at the same time I am intensely aware of how, in the effort to achieve
peace and find love and build community and attain agreement in
conversation, we can start to acquire 'gunk' that isn't us, stuff that is everybody-else, stuff that is what everybody-else believes. And if you're not careful, you can lose yourself in that gunk.
I've
mentioned before that some of the unorthodox ideas that, in trying to
become more authentically myself, I have warmed to, ideas like
polyamorism and intentional community and that we belong to the land
communally (rather than it belonging to us), are viewed by many as
dangerous ideas, and are extremely unpopular beliefs.
People who hold these beliefs tend to be viewed as eccentric at best,
and are often ignored, shunned or discounted as incredible.
If you want to create a model of a better way to live and make a living, you don't want to be written off as a nut case.
So
you walk a thin line. You tease people closer to your incredible idea,
by helping them imagine it working, by showing them it can work, maybe
even by criticizing it yourself and seeing how people rush to its
defence. When you get too comfortable with the acceptance the idea is
getting, you pull away a little closer to the Edge, to see who follows
and how far you can get people to let themselves change, to accept what
is socially unacceptable. You compromise, give a little, concede that
some aspects of your idea are probably impractical.
If you want
to get things done, important, enduring, meaningful things, you have to
collaborate. Except perhaps for works of art, these things cannot be
done alone.
It would seem, then, that it comes down to a choice, a decision between doing and being.
Become mostly everybody-else and then you can 'be the change'. Or you
can be authentically yourself. Or, like me, you can go back and forth,
alternatively scraping off the accumulated gunk and making yourself
more accessible by taking on more of it.
Can the issues that
haunt and challenge us, the things that keep us awake at night, be
dissolved or resolved by simply acknowledging that they're only issues
because of modern relentless human social propaganda? I suppose, if we
don't care what anyone else thinks. In a natural world, perhaps, no one
would or should care what other people thought about their wild ideas,
eccentricities, authentic and unique characteristics.
But we
don't live in a natural world. We live in a fearful one, one where
love, conversation and community are the only currencies that really
accomplish anything, and a world where so much needs to be accomplished.
It
is a bit of a false dichotomy, I confess. But it's a real factor in
letting yourself change, becoming authentically yourself, making the
world a better place. You can't have it both ways. In fact you can't
have it either way. You can only be aware of the tension, what's been gained and what's been lost, and make the best of it.
So: Where does the idea that you're missing something in your life come from? It comes from two places. From outside, from those who you love, converse, and make community with, telling you that you belong with them, if only you will give up those annoying, unacceptable parts, please. And from inside, where something wild, primeval, uncivilized, some vestige of nobody-but-yourself, tells you to just be more authentically human, to fly, to be free.
* Both these words come from the Latin word meaning "to loosen".
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