24 February 2003

Lest there should be any serious doubt that the nation that spawned William Shakespeare, Winston Churchill & Sid Vicious retains mastery of the language, I submit the following.  I'm assured that they are authentic quotes from GCSE (age-15+) English creative writing exercises submitted during summer exams. I was going to highlight my favourites but I love them all. * Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides  gently compressed by a Thigh Master. * His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer. * She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. * The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. * McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup. * Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. * Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre * Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. * He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. * The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry  them in hot grease. * Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. * The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr.  on a Dr Pepper can. * John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. * The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. * The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon. * Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one  that had been left out so long it had rusted shut. * The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes. * Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. * The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. * The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. * Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night. * He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. * Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." * She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. * It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before. * The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP. * The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost. * The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint. * The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium. * It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with  their power tools. * He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if  she were a dustcart reversing. * She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword. * She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef. * She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. * Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. * It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. 5:36:21 PM    comment [] Somebody sent me this the other day.  Provided that I can remember each Biblical reference in detail & can render it with the confidence of someone who snuggles up with a mug of cocoa & the Good Book each night, I shall beat the next band of roving Jehova's Witnesses or grinning Mormons over the head with it.     DIVINE WISDOM…     Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a U. S. radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. She said that, as an observing Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18: 22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a U. S. resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:    Dear Dr. Laura:   Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18: 22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:   When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev. 1: 9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery,  as sanctioned in Exodus 21: 7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev. 15: 19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 4. Lev. 25: 44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35: 2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11: 10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? 7.  Lev. 21: 20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? 8.  Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19: 27. How should they die? 9. I know from Lev. 11: 6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19: 19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev. 24: 10-16.  Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20: 14)?   I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.   Your devoted fan,   Jim       5:22:32 PM    comment [] "To see ourselves as others see us is a most salutary gift. Hardly less important is the capacity to see others as they see themselves". ALDOUS HUXLEY Imagine having both capacities. What power that would provide. Clearly our great leaders possess neither. Or they do & they don't care. Ultimate power? Jesus, that's quite a thought to take to bed now... 12:19:19 AM    comment []

© Copyright 2003 Dick Jones. Last update: 01/03/2003; 00:20:34.