WHAT DID YOU LEARN IN SCHOOL TODAY..?
Allegedly the following bits of poetic exotica are genuine quotations from 16+ examination papers. Clearly the language of Milton, Johnson, Austen, Tennyson, Churchill is in safe keeping…
* Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
* His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a tumble dryer.
* She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
* The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.
* McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled
with vegetable soup.
* Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
* Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
* Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
* He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.
* Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at
4:19 PM at a speed of 35 mph.
* The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the
Dr on a Dr Pepper can.
* John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.
* The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet
of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
* The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
* Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
* The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the
interview portion of Family Fortunes.
* Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
* The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan
just might work.
* The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.
* Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on
31p-a-pint night.
* He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
* Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell
butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
* She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
* It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had
ever seen before.
* The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
* The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cash point.
* The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric
fan set on medium.
* It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
with their power tools.
* He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a dustcart [garbage truck] reversing.
* She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
* She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature British beef.
* She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
* Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation
thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
* It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall.
10:46:49 PM 
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