NEWS FROM THE CHALKFACE
Lest anyone out there should have been concerned as to my silence during the past few days, I must excuse myself & explain that we're in the dark heart of the exam season here. Those energies normally pumped pure & strong into the weblog have been diverted into testing, assessing, appraising, evaluating, marking, grading & generally following to the letter the very procedures that my recent rant about education so condemned.
However, there are clear signs of a fresh wind blowing through the musty corridors of Examination Towers. I offer you the new enlightened 2003 Math papers. At last the real world bursts into the Groves of Academe...
The Department of Education has realised that there is a difference between state schools and private schools, and from now one will issue separate secondary Maths Exam papers.
Attached are the most recent maths exam papers so that you can see the difference.
MATHS TEST FOR STATE SCHOOLS
Name _____________________________
Nickname _____________________________
Gang Name _____________________________
1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is £40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damo's £500 a day coke habit?
3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?
4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got £350,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends £33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? (Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?)
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?
6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?
MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS
Name____________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________
(If longer, please continue on separate sheet)
School ___________________________________
Daddy's Company __________________________
1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing X amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local CC to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?
2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
3. If Verity throws up four times a day for a week she can fit in a
size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?
4. Rupert is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However, he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his "Sunday Independent" column start?
12:19:43 AM 
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