19 June 2003

BRITISH EDUCATION - BEST IN THE WORLD I tried posting this shortly before my first fall from grace when, for a long, dark night of the soul, I lost contact with my weblog.  I'm not sure whether it ever upstreamed.  Well, since I still can't access my archives & therefore nor can you, here it is again. A note for those unacquainted with the arcane terminology of the British education system.  A comprehensive school is a 16+ state school & a public school is a private school for the highly privileged.  (Don't ask).  Read on… The Department of Education has realised that there is a difference between comprehensive schools and public schools, and from now one will issue separate secondary Maths Exam papers.  Attached are the most recent maths exam papers so that you can see the difference.  MATH TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES  Name   _____________________________  Nickname _____________________________  Gang Name _____________________________  1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?  2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is £40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damo's £500 a day coke habit?  3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?  4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got £350,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends £33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? (Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?)  5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?  6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?    MATH TEST FOR PUBLIC SCHOOLS Name____________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________  _________________________________  (If longer, please continue on separate sheet)  School ___________________________________  Daddy's Company __________________________  1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing X amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his chum, the local high court judge to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?  2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?  3. If Verity throws up four times a day for a week she can fit in a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?  4. Rupert is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However, he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his "Sunday Independent" column start?   7:28:14 PM    Mmm? [] DON'T STAND IN THE DOORWAY, DON'T CLOG UP THE HALL Scepticism is now so ingrained a reaction to the maneuverings of politicians that one might almost assume that it's an essential component within mother's milk or the municipal water supply.  The noblest practitioners are defined by their last venal act; the basest are seen as offering the benchmark for the rest. Any self-respecting anarchist should be delighted by this fundamental & near-universal mistrust. The predictions of Bakunin, Kropotkin, Malatesta concerning the collapse of the old world order might be seen as coming to pass. Sadly not the case. For scepticism in the greater majority of cases read cynicism. It is widely assumed that the plausible proponent of, or apologist for, the latest policy handed down by government is at best a bullshitter, at worst a crook & the standard reaction will be to turn away from the television with a sardonic rendition of that most jaded & disinterested of contemporary cries, 'Whatever…'. But maybe just now & then a minister, a congressman, might just pull one stroke too many & the blatancy of the offense will provoke censure. A newspaper will pick up the cudgels & there will be a brief trial-by-media before the unfortunate chancer is forced to resign. The public will watch the bloodletting with the casual interest of the latter-day Roman mob & life will go on much as before. And then, more rarely in these days of moral lethargy, a prime minister, a president, in full arrogant season, might attempt to cross a bridge too far. Well, so far our prime ministers have either stopped just short of the bridge or they've galloped across it & onto the other shore before their audacity has been noticed. In the States only Nixon has been brought before the full majesty of the law & even then he managed to wriggle past its due processes. So what are the smart odds on either Blair & Bush (or both?) being brought to account now that the mills of God are grinding small on the issue of WMD?  It seems just about as clear as it could be that both are knaves or fools. Either they lied or they got it wrong when getting it right seemed the only possible option. I believe that on the spectrum I am still more sceptic than cynic. But I cannot recall a time in recent political history that has tested the parameters more fiercely. On February 15th 2,000,000 ordinary men, women & children walked through the streets of London, the bulk of them knowing that a.) the imminent war was illegal because b.) there was no credible evidence of the existence of WMD, & c.) the aftermath would be chaos & disaster in Iraq & beyond. Those marching plumbers, doctors, shop assistants, teachers, tree surgeons, film stars knew this but the professional politicians didn't. And now they are equivocating, dissembling, sidestepping & downright lying as the scenario that we described continues to play as reality. If these men are allowed to bluster & bludgeon their way out of the tight little corner into which they have painted themselves then we richly deserve the governance that we currently have. The next few weeks are crucial: within them we shall declare as the citizens of two of the world's oldest democracies either our burned out & impotent cynicism or our active disgust, contempt & practical rejection of morally bankrupt leadership. 1:08:34 AM    Mmm? []

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