It is frequently suggested that academics do too little to justify a fairly decent wage & obscenely long holidays. Proof positive below…
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Plato
For the greater good.
Karl Marx
It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli
So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
among them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.
Jacques Derrida
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.
Douglas Adams
Forty-two.
Nietzsche
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.
Oliver North
National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner
Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a
fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while
believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at
this historical juncture, and therefore
synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein
The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came
into being which caused the actualization of this
potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle
To actualize its potential.
Buddha
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-
nature.
Salvador Dali
The Fish.
Darwin
It was the logical next step after coming down from
the trees.
Emily Dickinson
Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus
For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann von Goethe
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway
To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume
Out of custom and habit.
Jack Nicholson
'Cause it fucking wanted to. That's the fucking
reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic
What road?
Ronald Reagan
I forget.
The Sphinx
You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.
Mark Twain
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Zeno of Elea
To prove it could never reach the other side.
Chaucer
So priketh hem nature in hir corages.
Wordsworth
To wander lonely as a cloud.
The Godfather
I didn't want its mother to see it like that.
Keats
Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.
Blake
To see heaven in a wild fowl.
Dr Johnson
Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have,
you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the
need to resist such a public Display of your own
lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.
Oscar Wilde
Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in
town ought never expose one to such barbarous
inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a
road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the
chicken in question.
Kafka
Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade
insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.
Swift
It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome,
filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume
to question the actions of one in all respects his
superior.
Macbeth
To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.
Hamlet
That is not the question.
Whitehead
Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of
misplaced concreteness.
Donne
It crosseth for thee.
Chortle-chortle. More tea, Rector...?
1:23:37 AM 
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