Sunday, November 16, 2003

ABSOLUTELY & UNIMPEACHABLY TRUE STORIES, volume XII On a couple of occasions Iíve posted examples of British school studentsí examination answers, selected for their creative witlessness.  I am delighted to be able to present tonight a few examples of intellectually challenged Americans.  Any women readers will note with deep satisfaction that all are men. Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up." An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!" In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.  Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his favorite sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife: "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"  She replied, "It depends. What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "Oakland Raiders!" Finally an example of stupidity peculiar to the brontosaurus-style perception of large corporations.  AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.   10:27:52 PM    Mmm? [] GAG DU JOUR Itís Sunday, just after Mass. An old man steps into a confessional & the following conversation ensues: Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times. Priest : Are you sorry for your sins? Man : What sins? Priest : What kind of a Catholic are you? Man : I'm Jewish Priest: Why are you telling me all this? Man : I'm telling everybody. 5:16:38 PM    Mmm? []       AND ANOTHER THINGÖ           Britney ñ virgo intacta or cherry well & truly popped?  Prince Charles ñ gay, straight or ambidextrous?  Michael Jackson ñ sharp as a tack or mad as a box of frogs?  Such is the primacy of such questions & so urgent the need to have them answered that items of commonplace news - that which is repetitive, predictable, unsexy - are relegated to the inside pages.  And there they nestle, crammed into their quarter page next to the story about the car crash mother who lifted the vehicle unaided & freed her baby daughter.   A recent story about the war in Northern Uganda, which, after 10 years, continues to rage, fared a little better.  Jamie Theakstonís tale was inserted neatly in between a double-page ad for the Red Sea Riviera & a full-page inducement to purchase a Sony Ericson mobile ëphone.  Somewhat breathlessly he was able to toss us some interesting data.  Try these:   The war is between the Ugandan government & a rebel army known as the Lordís Resistance Army. The LRA is led by one Joseph Kony, who believes that he has religious powers. His aim is to unseat President Musevini & reconstruct Uganda on the foundation of the Ten Commandments. More than 80% of the soldiers in the LRA are children. In the past 15 months alone the LRA has abducted 5,000 children. The governmentís campaign against the rebels is called ëOperation Iron Fistí & it commands 26% of the countryís national budget. Bazil, aged 17, a keen David Beckham fan, has killed in excess of 35 people.  Abducted at the age of 14, at gunpoint he was forced to hack off the limbs of a fellow child soldier caught trying to escape. Samuel, aged 9, an escapee from the LRA, was given a pistol by his commander & ordered to kill. Girls are kept by rebel commanders as sex slaves.  Many are now HIV positive. In recent years the price of an AK-47 has dropped from 20 cows to 2. Discharged cartridge cases were traced back to a Royal Ordinance Factory in Cheshire.  Meanwhile, back in the real worldÖ   #   Apparently George W. Bush ñ shortly to be a guest of Her Britannic Majesty ñ is surprised at the level of hostility in Britain to the War in Iraq .  Youíd have thought that his best mate would have been straight with him.  But then maybe he hasn't noticed...  #   It seems that the 100 ëphone lines being installed in Buck House by presidential security to secure Dubyaís protection during his stay are going to black out all the Royal televisions.  Her Majesty is more than a little pissed off: it means that sheíll miss her favourite soap, Coronation Street.  She has, however, put the regal foot down concerning the Black Hawk helicopter that was scheduled to hover over the palace for three days & nights.   #   A woman in Massachusetts who was talking on her mobile ëphone whilst driving crashed into a mobile ëphone shop.   #   Restaurant staff in Utah was taken in when a hoaxer claiming to be a policeman demanded to strip-search the waitresses.   #   Britainís first frozen turkey bowling championships, due to be held at a Manchester ice rink, were cancelled after protests from animal rights activists.  The organisers used plastic birds instead.     1:53:08 AM    Mmm? []

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