Sunday, February 29, 2004

PLAIN ENGLISH UNDER FIRE # 1   Outside a jeweller's shop: Ears pierced while you wait Outside an electrical store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come in here! Sign in a laundromat: Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out In a dress shop window: Don't stand outside and faint - come in and have a fit Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken Outside a farm: Horse manure: 50p per pre-packed bag, 20p do-it-yourself In the window of a dry cleaner's: Same day dry cleaning - all garments ready in 48 hours Road sign: Turn right for the Fairy Glen. Beware of heavy lorries At the zoo: Please do not feed the elephants. If you have any peanuts or buns give them to the keeper on duty. In an office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board On a church door: 'This is the gate of Heaven. Enter Ye all by this door.' (This door is kept locked because of the draught. Please use side door.) Outside a furniture shop: Our motto: We promise you the lowest prices and workmanship Sign in a German cafe: Mothers, please wash your hans before eating Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain? In a grocery shop: Try our local butter. Nobody can touch it In a Chinese restaurant: If you are satisfactory please tell your friends. If you are not satisfactory please tell the waiter Outside a farm: Cattle please close gate Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also Sign on a farm gate: Dogs found worrying will be shot In a restaurant: Customers who find our waiting staff rude should see the manager Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs. Outside a smart shop: No children aloud Seen outside a travel agency: Why don't you go away? Notice in a pet shop: Birds going cheep!   11:16:00 PM    Mmm? [] PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG PRAT # 3 Sadly, the killer pic of me at 19 dressed in Elizabethan fustian (sans codpiece) won't save. This is a poor second choice: rock & roll glory in some benighted pub somewhere/somewhen with a pint on the amp & the dart board, still with scores chalked thereon,  just to my left.    PS  Natalie reports my lettering as showing faint.  Is this a general problem?  I also used some non-regular fonts on the 28/2 post.  I assume that they're only apparent to those who also have them in their font folder.  Grateful for comments.   7:42:45 PM    Mmm? [] Just got in after a major school function to find that my Loserland/Salon subscription expires tomorrow. Straight to the 'Renew sub' link only to find the page currently unavailable.  So unless it's open for business before this time tomorrow (- 2 minutes), the Patteran Pages may be scattered on the winds.  Tense times here at Patteran Pastures...   12:06:06 AM    Mmm? []

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