This from an American friend currently looking for a rural property
several miles from the nearest 'phone lines.
AN E-GUIDE TO GOOD LIVING
a customer reflects…
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern…
· I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.
· I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
· I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
· I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
· I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
· I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they may be Al Qaeda in disguise.
· I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.
· I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
· I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
· I no longer have any savings because I donated them to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital. (For the 47th time, as it turned out. In fact, I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15, 000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program).
Yes, I want to thank all of you out there in cyberspace from the bottom of my broken heart for looking out for me so comprehensively. What little I have left I owe to you all, whoever you are. I will now attempt some sort of recompense. So If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, an enormous bird with terminal diarrhoea will shit on your house at 5: 00 pm this afternoon, and simultaneously the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. And if you don’t believe me, think about it. Didn’t that friend of a friend’s brother’s uncle have exactly the same thing happen to him..?
10:04:59 PM 
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