Apologies, gentle readers, for my late night dyspeptic outburst. And many thanks for your concern. The blood test results have now been explained & the picture is decidedly less dramatic than it was. It’s now 10.15 pm. I must rush out the post that will follow before either I drop, head on desk, in deep, untroubled slumber or Reuben clambers out of bed ready for biscuits, TV & his train set. (From 11.55 pm until 3.00 am yesterday…er…& today).
Onwards…
...............................................................................................................................
Via the estimable Arianna Huffington’s homepage I learned something the other day that had my jaw heading south at speed. She claimed in the course of an excellent article on the dark presence of the religious right in the corridors of power that there are 50 million Americans - that’s 50,000,000 – who believe in the theological concept of ‘end time’ – a day when Jesus will call the righteous, living & dead, to salvation (‘rapture’), leaving those unwashed in the blood of the lamb to damnation (‘tribulation’). 50,000,000 Americans who actually believe that this will come to pass… And soon.
Now, I struggle with the notion of the living God, author, arbiter & helpless spectator, at the best of times. But this astonishing statistic stopped me in my tracks. We have our happy clappers here, those gentle souls who have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ & know that Satan may live in the house next door. And we have our bumbling, be-suited door-to-door Jehovah’s Witnesses – always two elderly men & a crater-faced teenager around here – who want to save you for a ticket on the last bus out of town when the trumpet blows. But from suburb to small town the head-count remains in the hundreds.
However, even stretched across across the plains, deserts & mountains of the United States, the phenomenon of 50 million believers in some anachronistic, Dante-esque Armageddon scenario means that the cheerful bartender who pours your beer, the nice lady in the bank who changes your sterling for dollars, the cab driver who drops you off at your hotel may be of their number. We're talking the Invasion of the Bodysnatchers here. So what increase on 50 million wall-eyed chuckleheads would there need to be for it to be clearly evident that the lunatics have finally taken over the aylum..?
#
Meanwhile, back in the digital goldfish bowl, a Socratic dialogue is taking place…
AND WORD WAS GOD…
Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.
Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.
Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.
Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project; now we are in the maintenance phase.
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is a MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.
Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.
Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.
Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.
Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.
Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.
Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.
Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.
Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.
Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.
10:22:10 PM 
|
