I am delighted to be able to share with you another one of those letters to officialdom from the Pissed Off & Articulate. I want to believe so very much that this is an authentic document & that a functionary with some claims to literacy in a bank somewhere might have been duly outraged by it, but I fear this not to be the case. I suspect that these letters are generated by that same perverse human capacity that has us constructing the ultimate killer piece of repartee half an hour after the spat so comprehensively dominated by the other guy.
However, on the basis that this one might, just might, be written by someone taking heed of that most wise of counsels that tells us that revenge is a dish best supped cold, I present it to you now.
To whom it may concern,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My gratitude springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I attend to your telephone calls and letters personally, when I try to contact you, I have to deal with the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity into which your bank has evolved during the past ten years.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Please note that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about your nominee as s/he knows about me, there is, of course, no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which s/he must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
I shall, I regret to say, have to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from. Please press the buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date – this to depend on the vicissitudes of the postal service - to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 - 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music from the 1980s will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client...
10:52:54 PM 
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