I have decided to abandon forthwith the usual potent mix of poetry, politics & polemic on the Patteran Pages. In its place gossip, scandal, tittle-tattle & outright slander.
First in this diet of breathless prose in short paragraphs is…
THE ROYALS: WHO HATES WHO
by Julie McCaffrey
[The Sunday Mirror, February 25]
THE father fell out with his daughter-in-law, the mother is miffed with her son and the grandsons are grumpy with their uncle.
The furious family feuds could be straight out of a soap opera... but the rows and ructions are simmering for real among the Windsors, threatening to wreck their desperate attempts to keep up appearances.
Here's our guide to who hates whom in the Royal Family. Keep it handy as the shenanigans over Charles and Camilla's wedding plans continue.
CHARLES v EDWARD
CHARLES called Prince Edward “a fucking idiot" for filming William in 2001. And Edward blames Charles for not investing in his telly firm Ardent Productions.
CHARLES v QUEEN
SHE made him have a civil wedding - and then refused to attend. He huffily branded the plans to marry in a register office a farce and reckons he feels battered and hurt.
CHARLES v PHILIP
THE Prince blames his father for sending him to tough boarding school Gordonstoun, which he hated - and for bullying him into marrying Diana.
PHILIP v ANDREW
THE Duke dislikes Andrew's blatant freeloading and lazy lifestyle believing he should spend more time performing royal duties than lowering his golf handicap. Andrew hates Prince Philip because he deprived him of exclusive use of the golf course at Balmoral and treated his ex-wife Fergie harshly.
QUEEN v PUSHY (aka PRINCE MICHAEL of KENT)
HM was upset with Princess Michael of Kent for revealing that she allegedly adopts cockney and Norfolk accents to mock people. She once sarcastically observed to Philip that Princess Pushy was "more royal than we are".
QUEEN v CAMILLA
THE Queen deplored the fact that Camilla and Charles cheated on Diana. She once referred to Camilla as "that wicked woman" and said she wanted nothing to do with her.
HARRY v CAMILLA
THE young Prince can't forgive her for making his late mother's life miserable. He disapproves of her marriage and avoids meeting her.
ANNE v CAMILLA
CAMILLA stole Andrew Parker Bowles from under Anne's nose and had the gall to marry him - then cheat on him. Anne has harboured a simmering hatred for her brother's mistress ever since.
PHILIP v EDWARD
PHILIP'S wimpish son dropped out of the Royal Marines in 1987. His dad, who is Captain General of the Marines, gave him an ear-bashing when he quit.
CHARLES v PUSHY
THE Prince was said to be "extremely upset" when Princess Michael of Kent threw a £15,000 champagne party at Kensington Palace just hours after his grandmother the Queen Mother's lying-in-state ceremony in 2002.
WILLIAM v EDWARD
Edward's TV firm Ardent Productions thumbed its nose at tight reporting restrictions to film Wills in St Andrews in 2001. An insider said: "If his uncle offered him an olive branch, William would hit him with it."
PHILIP v FERGIE
THE Duke called Fergie "pointless" after her toe-sucking scandal with American businessman John Bryan. He could never stand her frolicsome ways.
FERGIE v CHARLES
SARAH Ferguson hasn't forgiven Charles for the way he treated Diana. She thinks he was unsympathetic to her friend's problems and treated her appallingly by refusing to give up his mistress Camilla.
HARRY v EDWARD
HARRY was angry when a TV show Edward co-produced dubbed him the "spare heir" and said he aimed to emulate his fun-loving uncle Andrew.
ANNE v ANDREW
ANNE blames the Prince for bringing Fergie into the family. And she despairs of his lazy, freeloading habits when she works so hard at her royal duties.
ANDREW v EDWARD
ANDREW saw active service in the Falklands and feels he has nothing in common with his weakling younger brother. Edward is jealous of Andrew's success in the Navy and his good looks.
FERGIE v ANDREW
FERGIE despised her ex-husband for not standing up to his parents. She misses Christmas with her daughters as they spend it with the Royal Family.
ANNE v PUSHY
ANNE was furious when it was reported Princess Michael told a noisy group of black diners in New York to "go back to the colonies" (a claim she denied) and stood up for Harry after his Nazi uniform gaffe.
Next week, at the cutting edge of scandal - Liberace – Friend of Dorothy? & Perry Como – What’s Under the Wig?
9:40:02 PM 
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