HOW TO…
Now, we’re a pretty sophisticated crew on Salon – poised, soigné, at ease in all social situations whether in the company of the aesthetically challenged, the chronologically gifted or the selectively perceptive. But not all are as fortunate. Please feel free to slip the following Guide into the pocket of that culturally other-abled refuse disposal operative clearing your trash. Or maybe leave it on the diner counter for the alternatively verbally expressive food distribution official (distaff variety) in lieu of a tip.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not AS EASY AS 1-2-3 - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She is not a DUMBASS -She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND A BIT - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MAMMARIALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS -She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes CIRCUMSTANTIALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act LIKE HIS HEAD’S UP HIS OWN ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
He does not have A SMALL MEMBER – He is ALTERNATIVELY DIMENSIONALLY RESOURCED.
10:01:12 PM 
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