(2004)
Directed by: Sara Sugarman
Screenplay by: Gail Parent
Starring: Lindsay Lohan (Mary Elizabeth Cep/Lola), Adam Garcia (Stu), Glenne Headly (Karen), Alison Pill (Ella), Eli Marienthal (Sam), Carol Kane (Miss Baggoli), Megan Fox (Carla), Sheila McCarthy (Mrs. Gerard), Tom McCamus (Calum), Richard Fitzpatrick (Mr. Gerard), Sheila Sealy-Smith (Sgt. Rose), Ashley Leggat (Marcia), Barbara Mamabolo (Robin), Maggie Oskam (Paige), Rachael Oskam (Paula).
Disney stuck their head in the ugly-bucket on this film!
Yes....oh yes....many things went wrong somewhere in the creation of Confessions, starting with the story itself. It seems to have been thrown together faster than you can actually say the title of the film. It’s simply implausible and cliche.
Was it a first draft? Did the dog get a hold of it on the way to the studio? Was Gail Parent abducted by DreamWorks and brainwashed? Note to self: call DreamWorks and try blackmailing them on this. Might be lucrative.
I simply think it was a matter of money. Maybe Disney was salivating over the monstrous success and acclaim of Freaky Friday and their teenage star Lindsay Lohan. (After all, she does have a highly endearing film presence full of characteristics like charm, spunk, and wit. She reminds me of that young child-star Jodie Foster.) So, in order to capitalize on good fortune, and not let the sun go down on the memory (and wallets) of the fickle movie-goers of America, they had to hop on the next Lindsay Lohan film, and pronto.
"Damnit people," I can hear an executive scream. "I don’t care if you have to chain Gail Parent to her computer. Threaten her. Tell her you’re going to take away her fingers if she even appears to stop typing!"
[The executive sips from his water bottle. Stands up. Starts pacing at front of room.]
"And while I have your attention, this is what I want. [Suddenly pounding fists onto the table.] Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay!.....Lohan, Lohan, Lohan! She is our ticket. She is our friggin’ golden ticket! I want her with a new look so we can market the Lindsay Lohan line. I want her rolling her eyes and tossing her head to the side in disgust in every scene. I want her competing with the prettiest girl at high school. I want cat- fights and parent fights; unreasonable adults; stupid adults; stupid teachers; drunken rock stars. I want Lindsay solving all their problems. I want her saving the day. I want her dancing. I want her singing. I want a friggin’ Lindsay Lohan soundtrack that goes double platinum! This is our moment people! Now you get me that script and you get it to me yesterday!"
And maybe because there was this rush to write the script, there was also a rush to proofread it for basic holes in logic. But maybe this line of thinking is inaccurate because someone sure did spend a lot of time creating the annoying and meaningless paper-cutout animated flashbacks and/or dream sequences.
But back to the logic line-of-thinking. The whole premise seems to require you to forgo any sense of reality-two teenage girls go to Manhattan by themselves for a concert; Mary’s father appears out of nowhere and follows them; the girls trying to get into the concert; the girls going around to the back door of the concert and there is no security there; the lead singer coming out the back door (totally pissed) while the girls are standing there; and so on till the end of the film.
What annoyed me most however was Carol Kane’s caricature of Miss Biggoli. Her performance was so over-the-top at times that I found it hard to believe that she was not a patient at an asylum, let alone being a drama teacher at the high school and the writer, director and choreographer of a very highly polished, contemporary musical version of Pygmalian. Should we blame this on Sugarman’s direction?
I wanted to like Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen because of Lindsay Lohan. But, alas, I was sorely disappointed.
Lindsay, keep your chin up; be more selective; and hope to see you soon in drama. If you’re anything like Jodie, like I sense you are, you’ll be going places.
