Because of my comments regarding my concerns that the dialogue in Revenge of the Sith might be as terrible as those found in Episodes I and II, Mark Hoback of Fried Green Al Qaedas emailed me this article "Attacking the Clones" by Mike D'Angelo, published in this month's Esquire Magazine. It's simply one of the best arguments I've read on why we as paying film-goers should stay away from seeing Revenge of the Sith the first few weeks-- if we go, we are going to hate ourselves for spending the money to see another deplorable, uncreative Star Wars film.
In the comments section for my last post, readers have been pinpointing the fact that films are becoming dumbed down in order to appeal to mainstream movie-goers. And we appease the studios by going out and supporting the trash. D'Angelo creatively describes this fact when he opens his article with this parable:
So this ordinary, middle-class American male walks into a bar. "Gimme a beer, whatever you have on tap," he says, slapping down a fiver. The bartender, smiling, reaches below the bar, audibly unzips his fly, and a moment later produces a tall glass that looks suspiciously as if it might be full of warm urine. But our guy is a trusting soul, and he gulps it down anyway. Big mistake. He retches, curses, and then storms out, furious.
Three years later, the same guy walks into the same bar and asks the same bartender for a beer. No problemo , says the barkeep. Zzzzip . Handed what again looks like something better suited to a specimen jar, the guy barely even hesitates. Down the hatch it goes, and then halfway back up the hatch again. Tears of rage are shed; a lawsuit is threatened. Exit the dude, livid.
Three years later, the same guy walks into the same bar and asks the same bartender for a beer.
You're waiting for the punch line. It's not a joke, I'm afraid. It's a parable. The guy is you, the bar is the neighborhood multiplex, and the third steaming glass of piss you're about to be served with a smile is called Star Wars: Episode III—Revenge of the Sith.
D'Angelo ends off pleading: "For God's sake, don't drink it."
You can read D'Angelo's article here.
You know, I just can't end on this note. I must leave you with one more hilarious quote from D'Angelo. In this paragraph, he lays out his plan for what we can do to stay away from attending the film opening week:
Here's the plan. It's exceedingly simple but also potentially revolutionary. If you saw and genuinely enjoyed the first two installments, by all means dash straight out and see Episode III , taking special care that your imperial-stormtrooper helmet hides the lobotomy scars. If, on the other hand, you found one or both of the previous two films lacking in some way yet feel obligated by a sense of pop-cultural duty and/or lingering nostalgia to tune in for the grand finale: don't. At least not for the first week. See an intriguing foreign film instead, or catch up on the first two seasons of The Wire (the best TV series nobody's watching), or gather like-minded friends and play a drinking game in which you watch Attack of the Clones and do a shot every time Hayden Christensen pouts. Do whatever it takes; just avoid the theater for seven days. And tell every single person you know to do likewise.
In the first Star Wars film, Obi Wan Konobi and Luke have been stopped by Imperial guards. As the guards approach his side of their landcruiser, Obi Wan waves his hand and says "These aren't the droids you're looking for."
Yes, if Sith indeed is as terrible as D'Angelo fears, I can just see a viable entertainment cartoon going something like this: As a throng of angry filmgoers swarm the landcruiser, Obi Wan raises his DVD copies of the first Star Wars trilogy and screams "These are the films you should be looking for!"
May the force be with you!
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