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Note: This post was inspired by the shenanigans of the Star Wars: A Tool for Satan website, which included this most ridiculous picture above, (except that I added the Yodaspeak phrase). If you are easily offended, take the pin out of the Holy Hand Grenade and count 1, then 2, then 3 and throw the Holy Hand Grenade at your foe and run for cover! Well, just stop reading already...... |
There was a great disturbance in Heaven after the box office results were released on Monday. Shortly after the numbers for the Revenge of the Sith were posted, showing an impressive record breaking take of $158 million in its first four days, Jesus called a press conference to make a major announcement:
We have been following with great interest, like many of you good people, the two trilogys of Star Wars. More importantly, we’ve been following the box office receipts, trends in conversations of good Christians in and out of the churches, and the heartfelt aspirations of all good people everywhere. Without mincing words, let’s just say that we have been around and know when it’s time for a change. We are very thrilled to announce that from this day forward, the Power of God will now be manifested through the Force, and vice versa. This merger completes us in so many ways–the Jedi outfit is an upgrade, they have great light sabers, they can control weak-minded people, and they know how to raise money quick. Most significantly though, this collaboration strengthens our power-base and gives us great leverage in the soul-conversion market.
In closing, Jesus mentioned that these changes would not effect the staff, religious consultants, or church representatives. "There is definitely no need for down-sizing."
"In all actuality folks," he said, waving his hand in front of him in the spirit of Obi Wan Konobi, "we’re looking for millions of a courageous candidates."
In other highlights, Obi Wan Konobi and Luke Skywalker were named as his newest apostles.
Asked if there would be any new commandments in the upcoming months, Jesus responded: "We’ll be meeting with Yoda and the Jedi Council on the direction of commandments. I mean, we can’t have a commandment about not killing when there are Sith and people who think in absolutes running amok. It simply doesn’t advance our position in the world, does it?"
Mingling with Heaven’s Press Corps and dignitaries of churches and LucasFilms after the press conference, Jesus seemed genuinely thrilled about the changes in Heaven.
St. Augustine, who looked a bit peeved on the back row during the conference, sauntered into our circle to ask Jesus: "And why appoint young Luke Skywalker into our circle?"
"Oh dear Augustine!" Jesus replied. "How many times have I talked to you about envy? You saw how forgiving Luke was to his father in Episode VI! After seeing Darth Vador slaughtering the young Jedi in this last film, well, I don’t know about you but I was angrier than when I stormed the temple and whipped the hell out of those money changers. But Luke has a great ability of seeing the good in even the most evil of souls. Besides, and don’t you dare tell Peter or Paul this, but his schwartz is much bigger."
Oh, and for all of you Obi Wan fans: Jesus told me to pass on the message that Obi Wan is fine. He never lost his head in Episode III. Jesus said that Obi Wan will have to give you all the details about that event later, that is "if you first get into Heaven, and second, get accepted into the School of the Jedi Apostles and Prophets, which is lead by Master High Priest Obi Wan himself."
May the schwartz be with you!
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