Tuesday, August 30, 2005

wow Crap! I haven't been blogging for weeks!  Well, at least I can't get fired.  But I guess my few readers will drift away and stare at Hurricane disaster footage on CNN with a steady stream of drool hanging off their lower lip. But anyway: you'd think if you didn't post for a while, there would be this pressure to think up something really good to coincide with your comeback.  But don't worry, all I have is this: Often times these days, when people are talking to me, whether its a close friend, or slight aquaintance, whether the matter  they speak of is personal, or business related, or of general world events, often while they are talking to me, the only thing that I am thinking about is the pores in their nose. A lot of times I thinking, "wow, you've really reamed out the pores in your nose!"       That's all. 10:15:52 PM

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Oh! I'd never seen that Sngle White Female movie before today, and to my surprise, its pretty hot.  There's lots of lesbian suggestiveness and tension, lots of girls walking around in their panties, and lots of nudity too. The only problem was my little girl had a friend over, so I had to keep switching the channel whenever I heard the girls coming around.  In fact, they came rolling down the hallway in their rollerblades right when the movie was getting to its climax of sex and violence. I hit the last channel button to put on something kid safe as they passed through the room.  The image of Hank Hill and his dopey, redneck friends standing by their backyard fence filled the living room. "Oh! King of the Hill!" Mariels friend said.  She sat down on the couch and stayed there, engrossed. 9:50:53 AM     rebate Today, for the first time in my life, at almost 35 years of age, I actually got a mail-in rebate check in the mail! ($100 from t-mobile). It wasn't easy.  I had accumulate receipts and proof of purchases (which are different things apparently) and cut apart box tops and fill out forms and wait six weeks. But then voila!  I'm $100 richer. 9:37:44 AM

Thursday, August 18, 2005

sit ups I was doing my usual workout routine--push-ups, sits-ups, curls, etc--after work today when there was knock at the door.   As I went to see who it was, I briefly considered whether I should put on something more than the boxer shorts I was wearing.  But then I saw it was (Goatbelt) Matt, and I figured it didn't matter.  You can hang out with a friend with just boxer shorts on. "You skipped work today?" I said. "Yep," Matt said  and grinned. It's pretty much a given that if I see Matt out drinking on a weeknight he'll just blow off work the next day.  And it seems to be one of the perks of his job that he can always get away with it. Since I didn't want lose the momentum of my workout, I went right on to my next set of sit-ups, while the history channel babbled on about missiles and submarines in the 1950s.  I got down into my crunching position and did the first couple of reps. "Ha!" Matt exclaimed.  "Your underwear has a big rip in the ass." With sudden alarm I felt under my ass to discover that there was indeed a gaping hole in my boxers.       Oh well. (Wow, I have no memory of writing that previous post. ) 8:10:38 PM     Late at night. Confusion starts break-dancing.  All subjects are settled.  A  cursor addicts you to the refrain.  Of course, success is in the cards. How else would it manifest itself.  My face glued to the    monitor. 1:43:02 AM

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

9:48:51 PM     turtles dead and dante Another one of Mariel's turtle's died today.  I found the little guy floating motionless in his tank this morning when I turned on the light and sprinkled in the food. Since I'm not a doctor, or a coroner, I gave the guy the benefit of the doubt and put him on top of the the basking rock just to make sure.  Then when I got home tonight I found him floating again by the filter with lots of white viscous membranes around his head. That's definitely dead.  The other turtle was swimming next to him, giving him his last rights or something.  Or maybe he was nibbling on the white viscous membranes. Anyway, I picked up his little $9 body and plopped him in the ktichen trash with the used coffee filters and beer bottles.  And that's that. It's seems like St. Pete is really gaining some momentum with its night life and dining.  I went to this brand new place called Bellabrava, where the Ovo used to be on Central Ave.  This place is pretty fancy. How fancy was it?  Well, they had those little tiny hanging cone lights and and pretentious artwork and I couldn't really understand any of the entrees by reading the menu. How fancy was it? The black bartender's name was Dante. Dante. So what's it like when you start making six figures a couple times over?  Well, no more taco bell. 9:27:01 PM

Monday, August 15, 2005

christo in the burg! Apparently, Christo, the famed, international, performance artist has recently paid a visit to downtown St. Petersburg, enveloping the Ponce de Leon Hotel with his mysterious, building-shrouding shrouding fabric. As a comment on the death and destruction resultant of the Iraq war he has decided to abandon his normally bright and cheerful colors, for a chilling and morbid black. Unsuspecting spectators are left to ponder the billowing enigma as they commute from their downtown jobs. Not really! It's just a big fumigation project!  They're just killin' some cockroaches and termites. Ha-ha, fooled ya.  Had you going there for a minute.  You were about to go down there with your digital camera and take picutures and e-mail them to your Aunt Edna. 10:54:28 PM     beauty and the blast For the past two nights in a row I have spent the nine o'clock hour flipping back and forth between the Pamela Anderson Roast on Comedy central and the "roasting" of Japan at the end of WWII on the history channel.  (Maybe, the quotes should be around the Pamela roasting, since its the less literal use of the word). I found both shows equally fascinating, and upon reflection it seemed like the perfect Freudian conflict of lust and death. When both shows were in commercials I would switch over to James Bond on AMC which is a pretty good synthesis of lust and death. 10:27:10 PM     pure genius As a guerilla artist myself, I am always on the look-out for clever sign alterations or imaginative distortions of everyday messages. This twist on a common bathroom directive is one of the best I've seen yet! By erasing two key words from this sentence, the artist was able to totally counter-act its command. Now, unsuspecting bathroom users will find themselves compelled to throw scads and scads and oodles and oodles of paper towels in the toilet--thereby defeating the great "keep the toilets from stopping up with paper towels conspiracy" from happening. 8:37:11 PM

Sunday, August 14, 2005

crash! Another break-up, another broken window. I hadn't even gotten around to fixing the windows that my girlfriend from two years ago had smashed.  I just yanked out the broken shards and filled up the space with packing tape (which has held up remarkably well, I might note). Now Rachel has gone and busted out a couple of  panes for herself.  I almost have a tic-tic-toe. At this rate I probably should hold off doing any repairs until all of the glass is smashed out, about four relationships from now. *I can sort of understand how a chick would smash glass in the heat of the moment, its kind of dramatic and probably pretty cathartic.  But why do they smash my poor porch plants?  I mean, they're just these sad little weeds that have managed to survive on my porch, despite my neglect and disinterest.  They just sit there so innocently in their pots, not hurting anyone, and then suddenly this crazy bitch comes and smashes them on the ground and throws their dirt everywhere. I can just imagine these little purple plants thinking, what did I do? *You're welcome to read Rachel's rambling and semi-coherent account of our break-up last night.  Apparently she thinks she's really "bad ass" for punching me in the face, breaking out my windows (which caused my 10 year old daughter to get a deep cut on the bottom of her bare foot), and destroying other personal property.  She basically let loose the sociopathic monster that was always lurking within her. But before she pats herself on the back too much she might want to consider this: *When she finally goes to trial for her DUI, drug possession, and paraphenalia charges, the sheriff's department is going to release her $1,500 in bond.  The only snag is that the check will be made out to Mark T. Michaels, (yours truly, the legend).  Doh! That's because I was the one that bailed her out of the Orient Rd. jail.  Apparently they always make the check out to the person that physically brings the cash to the jail. (Oddly enough, I was in the exact same situation last year.  I was arrested based on a totally false accusation from a tree customer (seriously!)  And had to put up $2,000 dollars in bond money.  And eventhough the cash was mine and my girlfriend at the time told the sherriff's office that this was the case, they still insisted on releasing the check in her name.  It's just their policy. (I think they do this just to fuck with criminals). Anyway, by the time they dismissed the case a year later, this girl was no longer my girlfriend.  And when I asked her to do me the simple favor of cashing the check at the local Bank of America, she used the occasion to bitch at me one last time. "I've reevaluted our relationship," she started out. Anyways, I got back at her by putting one of my "duh" stickers on her stupid little pick-up truck while she was standing in the teller line.   5:08:44 PM

Friday, August 12, 2005

clawed his way back But here's a caveat to my self-proclaimed success: There was this other guy that had the same job as me, working with Bob Bandit.  When the time was right he broke away and started his own business.  Through the grapevine, I heard he was doing pretty well, making $700 dollars a day and living the good life. But then one day, about year into it, this guy,...I should give him a name....let's say Willie. One day Willie just kind of disappeared.  I mean he was gone for a good two weeks.  No one knew where he was: not his friends, not his business partner, not his mom.  No one. Speculation was that he was dead.  I mean what other explanation was there? Well, he turned up alright.  In a hospital.  He'd had a heart attack, at thirty five.  They found him with sunken eyes and pale face sweating in a crack house.  Willie clawed his way back to the land of the living.  Living. 12:51:22 AM

Thursday, August 11, 2005

success=silence? If I've been a little quiet this week, its not because nothing's going on.  In fact, I've been busy as hell getting my new business off the ground.  (I guess that's why they call them businesses, becaue they keep you so busy). Anyway, it looks like I'm going to make a shit-load of money. You'll know I'm doing very well if I start to write little or none at all.  When you've got nothing to lose its fun to run your mouth and complain and air you dirty laundry Montell Williams style (does that show still exist?). But if your successful you don't want to rock the boat too much.  You want to keep your business, your business.  And you want to roll naked on a mattress covered with hundred dollar bills.  (But you don't want to write about it). 8:24:25 PM

Monday, August 08, 2005

jumping off a cliff I you're ever going to learn to fly, at some point you have to jump off a cliff, --mark michaels Today I struck out on my own in the tree business.  So now there's no more Bob Bandit to boss me around--but also no Bob Bandit to blame on things gone wrong. So what do I have to do to keep flying?  Just hustle up about $15,000 a week by knocking on doors.  That's about $3,000 dollars a knuckle. (I bought a copy of Sales Closing for Dummies to help me get started). 10:40:21 PM

Saturday, August 06, 2005

horse buckets unlimited Well, I guess you've probably noticed that this blog has lost any kind of intelligible direction or format.  But these famous fat twins just sort of popped into my head, so I figured I'd google 'em and post em. I remember we used to have a book fair every year in elementary school, and the Guinness Book of World's Records was always the most favorite book for kids to buy.  I was quite infatuated with it too, and used to marvel at all of the freakish extremes of humanity, like these happy fellows here. In fact, as I recall, you could pretty much reduce the Guinness Book down to its first twenty or thirty pages which had: the fattest man, shortest man, oldest man, most deformed man, etc.  After that, the Book sort of dropped off into these kind of dull records like: longest suspension bridge, most number of peanuts eaten, longest number of hours jumpring roap etc.  The Guinness Book knew that these records were dull too, because they filled up the middle of the book and rarely had accompanying photos. Oh, and case you didn't already know, The Guinness Book originates from the same people that brought you Guinness beer.  It was used as an authoritative source when drunken Irishmen would get into an argument in their local bar over things like, ...who the fattest twins in the world were. 2:03:52 PM

Thursday, August 04, 2005

good god! I know it's not so nice to take a picture of some girl just because she has an abnormally big ass. BUT GOOD GOD!!!  WILL YOU LOOK AT HOW ABNORMALLY SUPER-GIGANTIC THAT GIRL'S ASS IS?!!!! I mean that's a BIG ASS.... at least in proportion with her body. (Photo taken at dusk, outside the FOOD COURT at Tyrone Square Mall, St. Petersburg, FL. Not a photoshop project, I swear.) 9:36:24 PM     because Because I really don't want my rent check to bounce, I will often get a money order. Because I put off paying my rent until the absolute, last possible second, I often get my money order at a 7-11 late at night. Because it's late at night at a 7-11 when I get my money order, there are usually more than a few no-goodniks and thugs hanging around. Because my rent is $900 I am often handing a big wad of cash to a 7-11 clerk, late at night with lots of no-goodniks and thugs hanging around. Because I am handing a big wad of cash to a 7-11 clerk, late at night with lots of no-goodniks and thugs hanging around, I sometimes think I see a look on the 7-11 clerk's face that says... ....fuck! 12:03:21 AM

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

a little disappointed Last night I was surprised, and a little disappointed, when I inccorectly guessed that an extremely silly and stupid commercial as was another Geico ad. 10:29:33 PM

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

most important mission yet You know, I've been watching space shuttle flights (with varying degrees of interest) since its maiden voyage in 1981. And in all that time it seems like this is the first one with a very serious and important mission: Do whatever it takes not to blow up. 7:06:57 PM

Monday, August 01, 2005

john's birthday Here's a few glimpses from John Vitale's 35th birthday party.... The bash was at Chris and Megas 4th street apartment.  Since I got some sketchy directions to the place, and no one was answering their cell phone, I had to ram the guard gate with my truck to get in. For some reason, I thought that those automatic guard gate things always retreated at the last second if you just kind of squeeze behind the car in front of you (because of law suits and such).  But instead I found that the orange and white "halting beam" is perfectly happy to karate chop your vehicle.  I didn't notice the black abrasions on top of my white truck until I was at the car wash today. 9:54:51 PM     Here's Bask with a big pitcher of some-or-rather. Phase 1 of the party started out by the swimming pool.  We had a ba-zillion beers stashed in a giant plant holder under a towel. The pool thing was going swimmingly until we started breaking the rule about no glass containers around the deck, or in the water.  The next thing you know a couple of butch-lesbian pool militia, citizen patrol spoil sports ratted us out. (Some of Bask's closest and dearest friends sometimes call him "big bird," all in good, well meaning fun). 9:51:40 PM     Despite being in a room full of people, Rachel seems to be having some sort of orgasmic experience in this photo. (That's me, the department store mannequin in the bottom left corner). 9:48:51 PM     The star and MVP of the party was none other than DJ Mega. One day, when everyone in the whole world has their own wacky tv show, Mega will be one of those people (with a wacky tv show).   9:45:39 PM

Sunday, July 31, 2005

3:09:57 PM     2:48:27 PM

© Copyright 2005 Mark Michaels. Last update: 12/5/2005; 8:18:35 PM. This theme is based on the SoundWaves (blue) Manila theme.