The "So called Lesbian a couple of days ago was berating the masses for complaining too much and for sounding depressing and downright boring. (Not her word's - my interpretation) I feel her pain and empathize with her sentiments.
So, Here's a little ditty you're not likely to see an over abundance of here in Salonville.
Frankly, I've had enough bush for this week. (I didn't mean that quite the way it sounded Julia) To wit, something a little more, shall we say, upbeat?
I have a confession to make. I say this because as soon as I make it, I am henceforth stereotyped - branded if you will - with a kind a stigma - the kind of stigma that a professional of my stature ;=) thinks is just plain unfair. It's one of those vices that I don't mention in a job interview or while being voir dire'd for jury duty. (Mental note to self...Hmmm!) It's something that I can talk about among my professional peers only because I live where I do. On the mainland, uh uh! My parents know my secret. But I wouldn't include it in one of those "we'll include you in the Who's Who of America for only $24.95" publications[sic].
Here it is. I'm embarrassed, er, proud to say that I surf (he'e nalu). No I don't mean the internet. I mean that sport, in beautiful Mother Nature's ocean, whereupon one is literally picked up by the hand of God and shoved forcefully toward the beach.
There. I've said it. I'm outed. I can almost hear the websites from the East coast or middle America's back button's clicking. But wait. There's more to this surfing thing than meets the "non-surfer's" eye.
Who does it?
"Hey dude, righteous, like I mean ya really shredded on that last set. Tits bra". Sound familiar? It's simply not like that here in Hawaii.
Side bar: I use language that I grew up with. The linguistics and colloquialisms have changed. Our parents didn't understand us. Neither do I they, meaning that other generation. Just thought you could relate a bit more to this stereotype...
To get back on track: In Hawaii, a lot of people do. I began when I was four. Swam when I was two. A lot of the time one can observe na keiki (children) bobbing peacefully and securely in the surf before they are able to walk. Not yet cognizant of Amakua (the shark god). Yes, in Hawaiian culture sharks are gods. They are thought to be reincarnations of Hawaiians that had risen to a "higher plane". Go figure. But the thinking is, Amakua only eat tourists! Non-believers. Where have we heard this before? But I digress.
Being a surfer in Hawaii doesn't hold the same social stigma of the "outside world" read mainland.
Lawyers, politicians, yes, little rubber people, and yeah, the odd computer scientists or so. The vice president of my last firm (which I won't name here) would any day prefer hanging out on the beach smoking pakalolo(crazy head) and surfing rather than be in the office. (But he did sometimes- come to the office that is.)
What is it?
First, surfing was invented in Hawaii.
Imagine a plank - call it a "stick" - lingo for a surfboard - sitting on top of a room filled with marbles. The objective here being to stand on the stick. It's about 11 and a half feet long (this is called a "gun" utilized for "big wave" surfing) and about 16 inches wide. You step on. It slips to the right. You get dumped on your paka(head). You try again. This attempt dumps you, oh so embarrassingly and discommodiously on your akole(ass). Frustration creeps in. You think, "If I just jump on it - just right ..." and voila. Success at long last. Then someone or something suddenly tips the room to a forty-five degree angle. And away you go atop the marbles. And you, invariably, once again, land on your akole.
Where we do it?
We have many local names, Waimea, Sunset, world's famous Pipeline, and many others not so well known: Like Log Cabins, BackDoor, Shark's Cove or Leftover's. I provide these names for educational purposes only. Warning, never, ever, mention these names to a "local". You'll be ostracized immediately if not killed outright. These are surfer's names for surfer's places. And we're pretty particular about to whom they're shared. I quote Jimmy Buffet "Don't try and describe the scenery if you've never seen it ."
Surfing politics. The rules. The politics.
First, and this is important. There are rules. Rule #1:If you're a tourist stay in Waikiki That's where we sequester our tourists. There are three ways into Waikiki - only one secret way out, And, unfortunately, most tourists never find it. There is a lot of true Hawaiian culture to be found out there. Most, sadly, never experience it. But this is about surfing.
You can't just go to a beach, say, Sunset, throw your board in the water and paddle out. No you have to be invited. You have to know someone who's already a regular. One of "the boys". "Hey this guy's with me and he's o.k."
I recently literally ran over a tourist from Japan. At least I think he was from Japan. (And we here in Hawaii love the Japanese - absolutely - they make up much of our local economy).
I was in the line-up, caught a nice five-footer and there he was. From out of nowhere. No one else had seen this guy. No one warned me. I was on the wave. I have very limited mobility it that scenario. I can go left or right a little bit but not much. God's hand is pushing you forward. More on this later. He ducked. I ran over him. Literally. I could feel my skegs go across something... His board?...God pray not his body! He received a little gash on his shoulder. His board, I cut in half (probably not going to get his deposit back on that one). I cut out (from the wave) to provide aid. "Are you o.k. bra?" He indicated that he was alright in broken English. I swam in with him. It's surfer's courtesy, nea a mandate, much like the soldiers in the Iraq, but on a much more personal level. We look after our own. The swim in is a three-hundred yard distance at Sunset and he went right to his car. Sorry man.
the Lineup
You are rarely the only one out on a good day. A good day consists of light winds and good surf. What's good surf? For me it's a four foot left. Meaning it's a wave that breaks to the right from the beach perspective. That's important to me because I'm what's called a "goofy foot". That is, I place my left foot forward on my stick.
But because I'm there on a "good day" I am also joined by many others. And you have to get in line to catch a wave.
Dropping in on someone is strictly prohibited. Many times of sweet wave comes along and two people catch it. The first one in "owns" the wave. If you're the second guy - get out of the way!
Why not?
A little bit of danger is inherent any sport. I broke my ankle playing soccer fer chrissakes! Here in Hawaii, we measure the height of waves differently than the rest of the world. We measure wave height from the back of the wave. When I say it was a fifty foot wave, it actually appears that the height of the face is more on the order of seventy-five feet. That's the equivalent of an eight story building - except heavier! People that ride these monsters are, in my opinion, mental. But I've done it. Exactly once.
Standing on the shore at Haunama Bay, I looked around. There were a lot of people on that beach that day who normally were absent. Big waves draw crowds even here. Surfers with boards in tow are standing, shuffling about, firmly planted on tera firma saying things like, "God! Christ! Holy Jesus! Mother fuck!". Surfing is a religion..
I had my gun. I paddled out, "What the hell." I said with my heart in my throat and a very unhealthy level of adrenaline flowing threw my veins.
To make a longer than needed story a bit shorter: I nearly died that day. God bless the Hawaii lifeguard, riding ski-doos, who fished me out on that Saturday morning. Concussion, broken arm, broken leg, five broken ribs. Oh and I drowned, literally.
Almost dying is a life changing experience. It's like someone puts a headline in front of you in 22 point type: You are mortal. I viewed life in much different terms after that. Life is much better. I just tend "not to bother about the little things" any more. I see sunrises and sunsets with a renewed awe. I'M ALIVE!
That was twenty-seven years ago. It hasn't worn off.
so Why? (appendix)
Surfing is relatively inexpensive. Hell, since I've been "on the scene" since before dirt was invented, surf shops sometimes donate boards to yours truly.
Surfing is good exercise. All of that paddling around and isometric leg effort to stay balanced on the board. A bonus! Being in the water two hours at a time, burns an incredible number of calories.
Because surfing is the purist sport on earth. It is unadulterated freedom by definition. When I'm surfing, I'm not thinking about anything else. All "problems" are pushed back in the conscious. Life's anxieties magically disappear. My religion soothes me.
1:47:47 PM 
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Welcome To The Club
