Flock of Memories
Days go by without me thinking of him and then thoughts flood my mind like a flock of birds, their wings are my memories and they deafen me with their cacophony. In their wake lie my ruined dreams and hopes, my desires and hopes for reconciliation and love crushed under their feet.
Why am I thinking about this now? I just watched the second-to-last episode of Six Feet Under and was struck by a scene between gay lovers Keith and David where David says to Keith "You really don't like me very much, do you?". It struck a nerve with me because I realize now how much my ex didn't like me, my actions, the way I interacted with people or very much about me at all. It's only when one has a break from that type of interaction that one can realize how much it took out of them to be told on a daily basis how much the partner's friends didn't like you or how he didn't like your friends or how obvious it was that you were a fuck-up at work or that you interrupted conversations too much or that you weren't an easy person to love.
Being told that you're "not easy to love" is probably one of the single worst things a person can be subjected to in their lives. We all like to think of ourselves as lovable, as one of those people that babies and small furry animals gravitate to naturally. So when you're startled to a harsh wakefulness by a statement like "You're not an easy person to love" it can be really devastating if not entirely debilitating. Learning that just loving another person as much as you possibly can cannot make things work is one of the hardest lessons one must learn, and definitely one of the most painful
How do you recover? By honestly examining your actions and truly deciding if you did enough, if you did work hard enough and also understanding that you're no longer responsible for the opinions of the other person you once loved. They didn't much like you when you were together so who cares what they think about you now that you have no further contact! If you could never do enough when together then nothing you do when you're apart is going to make this person appreciate you or the person that you are.
I know I was harsh on my ex, I know I was harsh because I was angry at the way that I was treated and angry at myself for allowing this treatment to go on. I regret saying some of the things I said to him out of anger, he did for him what was his best and that's exactly that, I couldn't expect more and when I continually did it just made things worse and worse. I also now realize that when one person is satisfied and indeed happy with mediocrity and the other is always striving for the best that nothing good can come from the combination. You end up feeling bad about yourself for not feeling good about the way you're living and loving and they hate you for continually nagging them to do more and be better.
OK, I promise all my faithful readers that I won't subject you to another overly-personal screed like this one for awhile.
12:03:29 AM 
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help?
