Casey and Me

The newest member of our family is having seizures. They are the kind of grand-mal- nuclear-bomb seizures that scare the devil out of anyone observing them.

He is approximately 6 years old. He is a tabby and white domestic short hair cat named Casey. He came to our house that currently already has 1 dog and 3 other cats who more or less do and at the same time do not get along with each other. He is the kind of cat that could win over even the most ardent cat hater to suddenly feeling a craving for catnip.

My daughter-in-law lost her step-father on the first of January. Gus was a Casey kind of guy in the terms that I just related to you. He brushed Casey's teeth every day which made our vet question that he could even be six. In other words, they were devoted to each other.

Gus had prostrate cancer. He had some really deep fears about dying that he struggled with despite his strong Christian faith. I did not know him very well. I noticed that like my Father he was very quiet. My son got to know him much better and found himself often spending time with him. At the end, Tim spent a lot of time at the VA hospice unit and he even slept there a few times because it seemed to give Gus comfort.

Now, I do not know this cat very well. I have a dog that I am very attached to. I also have a cat in my life that despite my determination not to bond with has decided that she intends to persist until I have relented. My son basically brought this other cat into my life because he instantly and totally felt that this cat was going to be his.  I did not really want another cat in my life.

I had a cat.

By that I mean that I had the privilege of sharing 21 years of my life with the most wonderful cat on the face of the earth. His name was KC. He was a white domestic long hair. My son also rescued him and his twin sister who someone had dumped as kittens in the alley of our house in Seattle. I did not really want a cat at that time either. But, like my son, I instantly knew for some reason that KC had to be mine.   Like any other cat, he sort of named himself in that odd way some of you may have experienced.

I have had lots of cats in my life. I could probably write a book about cats. I have had fewer dogs. But I think that in some ways I am more of a dog person than a cat person. My dog, Shamus is a timid puppy mill rescue dog. He is Maltese in a way that only bad breeding can create. He is all white. And as per usual he is at my feet now.

When the on-line computer game called Ultima Online went live I started playing it.  For anyone who has not played these kinds of games you make an avatar and give it a name.  I was struggled to come with a name for my character. KC was, I remember on the computer table looking into my eyes with his and softly touching my face with his paw as he so often did. He was my "white shadow". That is when I typed in Casey.  In many on-line contexts nowadays, people know me as Casey.

Life is funny in some ways. Things tend to go in circles. Connections are made. Our brains work in mysterious ways.

For the past two weeks I have been having brain storms. I have been feeling agitated, up, excited to be alive, connected to people, creative, brilliant, witty, etc. etc. etc. I have not been sleeping for more than maybe 3 hours a night for the past three days or so. I have been writing again. I used to write like this all the time. The stories used to roll out of me like water. There were so many of them that I lost track of them. When I find a file on my hard drive with a name I am not sure of I open it and read and wonder if I really did write this. There is some kind of disconnection there.

We had to take Casey the cat in today for observation at the vet. On the way there, my son and I were talking about what he has observed lately about my state of mind and his worry about it. Then I made another connection. Maybe two weeks ago I ran out of the anti-depressant that my doctor had put me on several months ago. She had handed me a wad of samples. I took them faithfully. In the past I have taken serotonin uptake inhibitors. I took them for almost 9 years or so. During the times that I have been on them, I never write anything.

I called my doctor today to tell her that I had figured out that I was having a manic bi-polar type of reaction. She told me that this was common when a person goes from taking them every day faithfully to just stopping cold turkey. Most people tend to normally just wean themselves off of them or talk to their doctor first (this was said with some sternness in her voice) who advises them to taper off.

She wanted to put me back on them and offered to call in a prescription. I declined. In many ways I am enjoying my brain storm. I feel connected to things again.

I don't know what to do really. I also don't know what to do about the new Casey in my life. I do know that for me, once a decision has been made to adopt a cat, that is it. Ipso facto they are no different than any other animal member of this family. Even if it meant having mac and cheese for months, giving up cable TV, even (god forbid) having to switch back to dial up, we will do our best to find out what is going on with him and take care of him.

Can someone be maniacally depressed?  Somehow that seems like a logical impossibility to me.  Yet, in my case at least, that was how I was feeling before the doctor gave me the anti-depressive medication.  I was totally sad.  I was spinning out on sadness.  My mind was processing things like it is today but the upshot of it was that I was down so low I was starting to work on how to best accomplish my self termination.  I had made a list of things that I needed to take care of. 

Somewhere during all of this planning I realized that I needed some help.  And the anti-depression medications did stop that.  I did not feel medicated.  I did my daily routine just fine.  It was easier to rationalize the other problems in my life and put them in a better perspective.  These are all good things. 

I do not know if I am bi-polar.  I have had a successful career.  I raised my child and he while not perfect is, I believe, living a mostly contented life.  He recently presented me at my age with my first grandchild.

I can not say that I will not go back on some kind of medication.  But I really do want to find some other solution when I am on my way too far on either side of the emotional spectrum.    

Last update: 4/6/2003; 4:36:58 PM.