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MY LIVING WILL
Paul Rudnick
NEW YORKER
4/25/05
1. If I should remain in a persistent vegetative state
for more than 15 years , I would like someone to
turn off the TV.
2. If I remain motionless for an extended period and
utter only guttural, meaningless sounds ~ I would
like a Guggenheim.
3. If I am unable to recognize or interact with friends
or family members ~ I still expect gifts.
4. If I am unable to feed, clean, or dress myself ~ I
would like to be referred to as " Mr. Trump."
5. Do not resuscitate me before noon.
6. If I do not respond to pinches, pin-pricks, rubber
mallets, or other medical stimuli ~ please stop
laughing.
7. Once I am allowed to die a painless and peaceful
death ~ I would like my organs donated to anyone
who can catch them.
8. If my death is particularly dramatic ~ I would like
to be played by Hillary Swank.
9. If my doctor pronounces me braindead ~ ~ I would
like to see the new Ashton Kutcher movie.
10. Assume that, even in a coma, I can still hear
discussions about my house and private life.
11. I do not wish to be kept alive by any machine
that has a "popcorn" setting.
12. At my memorial service, I would like my clergyman
to begin his eulogy with the words " I suppose, in a
way, we all killed him. " | 
