My Secret IMs With 'The Cowboy'
In the wake of the Foley sex scandal, Mark Morford reveals his chat with a "special" GOP friend
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
Wednesday, October 6, 2006
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/gate/archive/2006/10/06/notes100606.DTL ;
Cowby43 (8:34:20 PM): I like Libruls
WrtrGuy: (...)
Cwboy43 (8:34:50 PM): Is this thing on? Hello? I like Libruls. Hee hee hee OMG I like libruls and the weird thingz U do ha ha ha just like Mark Foley. wOOt!
WrtrGuy (8:35:10 PM): What? Who is this? How did you get this handle?
Cwboy43 (8:35:42 PM): I do. I like em. Libruls. can't help myselff. Dunt tell anyone. Things R gong badly here. No one to talk to. No one 2 ease my anxiety, you know?
WrtrGuy (8:35:57 PM): Anxiety? Wait, who is this, really?
Cwboy43 (8:36:15 PM): Libruls are neat! I saw your little picture on your Chronicle arkive page. I like you. It seems like U understand, you know, stuff
WrtrGuy (8:36:45 PM): Wait ... oh dear God. Is this who I think it is? Mr. President?
Cwboy43 (8:37:11 PM): Shhh. Don't call me that. Call me "The Cowboy." I like that. 'Course, I couldn't run a real ranch for all the oil in Persia.
WrtrGuy (8:37:32 PM): Persia is not a ... never mind. Sir, if this really is you, I have to say, this is a little unorthodox, you contacting me like this.
Cwboy43 (8:38:02 PM): No dont call me "sir!" Delete that! It's Cowboy! U gotta pretend OK? Im just a regular dud. BTW I read one of your old columns about Jesus. Im glad to hear U like him! Drugs are bad tho, U should stop that sorta talk. Could sure use a Valium and a sixer of Coors Light right now tho, U know? Lol! Its all falling apart
WrtrGuy (8:38:07 PM): Oh Jesus
Cwboy43 (8:38:28 PM): Exactly! Praise! BTW I got your IM from the FBI cuz I told 'em to watch you pervert journalists. Gosh they know everything! 'Cept they don't know this: I like U Libruls. U stir me up gud with your crazee music and your tofu and hybrid cars and sex. Isn't it funny how Mark Foley isn't even really alcoholic, we just stuck him in rehab to get the pity response? Suckers
WrtrGuy (8:38:54 PM): We figured that, uh, "cowboy." BTW, what are you doing up so late? It's after 8 pm. Past your bedtime, no?
Cwboy43 (8:39:39 PM): Foley! Cant sleep, even with L reading me chapters of "Left Behind: Tribulation Force." Foley Foley Foley! Can u beleeve that guy? Straight sober single Florida party man to creepy alcoholic priest-molested gay sodomite in like, two hours! Drving me crazee. What's next, Rove confessing to the WSJ his thing for teenage girl feet? Oh holy crapola delete that.
WrtrGuy (8:39:47 PM): Sure thing, cowboy.
Cwboy43 (8:40:15 PM): Sorree for all the typoz. Damn computer thingies. The Internet is not a big truck! Lol. Geez, even I know that. It's more like a big bag of caramel apples, right Librul Muffin? Can I call U that? Librul Muffin! Lol!
WrtrGuy (8:40:43 PM): Actually, no, please don't call me ... wait, caramel apples?
Cwboy43 (8:41:07 PM): Dont deny me a chat or I can sick my FBI goons on you and my new laws mean I can detain you indefinitely in super-icky torture prison in Gwantana ... Gwootamo ... somewhere foreign! So there. Lol!
WrtrGuy (8:41:19 PM): Guantanamo. You mean Guantanamo Bay. In Cuba. Torture prisons. You authorized torture.
Cwboy43 (8:42:01 PM): Right on! Know what really gets me? I was an AWOL alcoholic long before this Foley jerkhead. Molested by a priest? WhatEV! I bet it's not even true. You want shocking? U ever see Pat Robertson get drunk and go at a piece of steak with his bare hands? Make U swere off meat for a month. That's shocking.
WrtrGuy (8:42:30 PM): I never hope to see that, sir. But Mr. Pres- er, Cowboy, you know I'm a newspaper columnist in San Francisco, correct? That this is not Anne Coulter's IM?
Cwboy43 (8:43:10 PM): Mmm yeah. I like that. Libruls! San Francisco! Izn't that where they keep all the gay people? I visited there once, Napa or something, rode in a big black Hummer with the Terminator! You ever look at him up close? Face like a tree trunk beaten by a bulldozer. Not pretty. Big thighs, tho. Big thighs and hands like giant warm mittens ...
WrtrGuy (8:43:14 PM): I'm sorry?
Cwboy43 (8:43:41 PM): dont be! Saw some of them rainbow flags you got down there, bumper stickers and whatnot, made me think of Lucky Charms, leprekans and happy things and i felt my hairs on my legs stand up. All tingly and weird.
WrtrGuy (8:43:51 PM): Rainbow flags made you tingly?
Cwboy43 (8:44:20 PM): Ya. Shhh. But does that mean I was molested as a kid by an alcoholic gay priest with big warm hands? Ha! Not even! Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
WrtrGuy (8:44:28 PM): Sir, this is beginning to creep me out.
Cwboy43 (8:44:55 PM): Patriotic! That's what I meant, pervert! Are you feeling patriotic? Looky here, I'm sick of keeping it all locked inside! I need to talk and Condi won't return my notes and Karl just sneers and smells like bad yogurt. You know I'm very close to being the least popular president in history?
WrtrGuy (8:45:12 PM): Keep trying, sir. I'm sure you'll make it.
Cwboy43 (8:45:39 PM): Thanks pardner! (that's cowboy talk fyi). But then look what happens. damn Woodward book rips me for being passive and sophomoric and "intellecutally incurious"? Which is a bunch of cow patties because I'm super curious about intellectuals. They are so weird!
WrtrGuy (8:45:48 PM): I don't think that's quite what he meant
Cwboy43 (8:46:19 PM): And then that stupidest report on Irak says everything I've done in is making terrizm far worse and now that imp Foley gets nailed for sexing up a teenage kid! What's next someone finally discovering Hastert's German porn collection? Oh holy crapola better delete that too.
WrtrGuy (8:46:23 PM): I'll try.
Cwboy43 (8:46:43 PM): And now Foley proves 4 the zillionth time how the GOP -- that's God's Own Party, beeyatch! -- is full of hypokrites and perverts! I am so screwed. I need the shock and awe of the new, Librul Muffin. Gosh it feels gud to call you that. wOOt!
WrtrGuy (8:46:56 PM): Actually, I'd appreciate it if you would not call me that.
Cwboy43 (8:47:30 PM): don't be a hater! I'm trying to reach out here! haters suck. The generals dont hate. They tell me alls fine in Irak. I like how they talk to me, solid and respktful. Cept I think I hear them snickering when I leeve. They have such bigs hands, tho. Big, warm hands, like big mittens. Do you lift weights?
WrtrGuy (8:47:33 PM): Oh my God
Cwboy43 (8:47:56 PM): I sure do! Know why? Heckola, because it's my job to look strong and confident no matter what! But still not a single GOPer is using me in their campaigns this election. Cept that nutball Pombo. Im a giant ... whats that called? Pear? Purina? I hate that.
WrtrGuy (8:48:01 PM): Pariah.
Cwboy43 (8:48:23 PM): That's it! Damn U libruls are smart. O holy crapola I think I hear L walking around. She doesn't know I use this IM thing. She'll have a hissy! I know you'll keep this message private cuz its embarrassing to U too, right?
WrtrGuy (8:48:37 PM): In a way, you are absolutely right, cowboy. You embarrass me more than i thought humanly possible
Cwboy43 (8:48:56 PM): Exactly! Our little secret! Praise Jesus! I like Libruls! wOOt lol brb omfg over and out
Mark Morford's Notes & Errata column appears every Wednesday and Friday on SFGate.com and in the Datebook section of the SF Chronicle.
Allen L Roland is a practicing psychotherapist, author and lecturer who also shares a daily political and social commentary on his weblog and website allenroland.com He also guest hosts a monthly national radio show TRUTHTALK on Conscious talk radio www.conscioustalk.net
