|
TAKING YOUR TURN / ON BEING HEALTHILY SELFISH
Most people go through their lives being something other than themselves in order to be loved. Inwardly, they long to be themselves but have never taken their turn. Falling in love is always the first step toward taking your turn for it is the ultimate YES to yourself and sets in motion the journey of your heart whose final destination is always yourself: Allen L Roland
The bottom line issue of unworthiness with most of my clients and most people is "Being Me Is Not Enough". However that message was instilled ~ let's say by being seemingly replaced as a young child by another sibling, by being ignored by a parent or both parents, by not being truly seen by one or both parents, by being asked to be an adult when you are still a child, by being emotionally or physically abused as a child, by being seemingly abandoned by one or both parents ~ whatever the circumstances, the inner message is always the same that Being me is not enough !
We cover up that initial aloneness in a multitude of ways ~ by being a pleaser, by being careful or trying to be perfect, by emotionally checking out, by constantly trying to prove ourselves, by acting out ( like George W Bush did by blowing up frogs as a young child ), by trying to fill the emotional void with drugs, alcohol or sex, by being a victim and feeling unjustly entitled or by making a decision to go inside our own protective ego cocoon and never let anyone it.
The Ego is a projection of what we feel we have to be in order to be loved versus who we really are. Often that fateful decision, always born from deep aloneness, is becoming like a parental figure and we end up resenting that person for the decision we made to become like them ~ for, in essence, we have given away our power.
So the first step in taking your turn and being healthily selfish is to stop being careful ~ particularly in relationship and take the risk of truly experiencing yourself.
Here are the payoffs for being careful versus being yourself in realtionship ~
1. I don't truly experience myself
2. The other person does not experience me
3. I'm giving away my power .
4. I blame the other person for that decision ( Example ) I don't want to tell you the truth because it might hurt your feelings.
5. No true intimacy occurs ( Into-Me-See )
6. I don't like myself.
There are no valid payoffs for being careful, and not fully experiencing yourself ~ other than the ego's need for outer validation versus the deeper need for inner validation.
Relationship brings us face to face with the message that Being Myself is Not Enough ~ for in falling in love we initially rediscover our true self and, at the same time, come face to face with the deep inner fear that " Being myself is not enough "
That's why relationship is a means to an end versus an end in itself ~ for the true intent of relationship is the full flowering of each partner and a deepening of their love in the process . Teilhard de Chardin said it best ~ " The only right love is that between couples, who passion leads them both, one through the other, to a higher possession of their being"
In a great perfected love ~ both partners know that being themselves is not only enough but beautiful !
That's what I do when I see couples in therapy ~ I teach them to see their relationship as a spiritual partnership which is two people on a common journey to find and fully experience themselves using the love that exists between them as the vehicle.
And that's what I will be doing in my one day workshop in Fairfax, California on Saturday, December 13th with my co-leader Jeane Bilolavek. See details ~ http://myrelationshipcure.com/
This workshop is for both singles and couples but its intent is taking your turn by learning to be healthily selfish and using relationship as a means to discovering that Being yourself is Enough !
Allen L Roland http://blogs.salon.com/0002255/2008/11/30.html
Freelance Online columnist and psychotherapist Allen L Roland is available for comments, interviews, speaking engagements and private consultations ( allen@allenroland.com )
Allen L Roland is a practicing psychotherapist, author and lecturer who also shares a daily political and social commentary on his weblog and website allenroland.com He also guest hosts a monthly national radio show TRUTHTALK
| 
