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DR. OMED’S LATE NIGHT SERMONETTE: BEHEADING IN THE BIBLE
It puzzles Dr. Omed to hear Bible-believing men of faith such as Jim Inhofe, and the POTUS himself, express such outrage over the beheading of Mr. Berg by alleged Moslem fundamentalists (Who were those masked men?), when the Bible reveals that the Lord heartily approves of beheading as a method of assassinating an enemy.
The anonymous Jihadis were acting entirely in accord with God’s word as recorded in the Book of Judith in the Old Testament “Apocrypha.”
Let Dr. Omed outline the story for you, pilgrims. According to Scripture, in the Book of Judith, Nebuchadnezzar, King of the Assyrians (Oopsy—Nebuchadnezzar was King of Babylon, not Assyria—never mind the details, after all, the Lord God is a big picture kind of guy) as I was saying, King Nebya was the Commander and Chief of what passed for a world power at the time (Early 6th century B.C? Scripture is kinda fuzzy about dates). In other words, the biggest bully on the block. Nebya decides it’s time for a little shock and awe, calls in his top general, Holofernes, and tells him to serve up a heaping helping of hegemony on the heads of all the nations that had refused to assist in Neb’s last war on the Medes. With extra rape and pillage, and supersize that:
“Thus speaks the Great King, lord of the whole world: Be on your way; take men of proved valor, about a hundred and twenty thousand foot soldiers and a strong contingent of horse with twelve thousand cavalrymen; then advance against the western lands, since these people disregarded my call… the feet of my soldiers will cover the whole face of the earth, and I will plunder it. Their wounded will fill the valleys and the torrents and rivers, blocked with their dead, will overflow. Now go! Begin by conquering this whole region for me.”
Good soldier that he is, Holofernes follows King Nebya’s orders to the letter. The Israelites are on the list of the unhelpful, and after a realistic assessment of their prospects for survival, they commence to fling sackcloth and ashes about with abandon. The whole nation practices synchronized groveling for mercy before the Lord’s tabernacles.
Meanwhile, back in Holofernes camp, the general has received intelligence on the Israelites' preparations for war; he calls a council of war with his coalition allies. He rejects the cautionary advice of Achior, leader of the Ammonites, in fact Holofernes orders Achior bound, and has him dumped at the Israelite lines. Holofernes proceeds with his plan of attack. The House of Israel is under siege.
Enter Judith, widow of Manasseh. The majority of the people in her town are ready to call it quits and surrender to the “Assyrians.” Judith decides to take matters into her own hands. She eloquently harangues the elders and the people, and reels off a good long bloodthirsty prayer. Condensed message: “Praise the Lord, I’ve got a secret plan, no I’m not telling you what it is, just hang tight until I get back.”
Judith takes off the sackcloth and her widow’s weeds, washes off the ashes, and dresses in her best; dresses, literally, to kill. She’s knock ‘em dead gorgeous. Uma Thurman ain’t got nothin’ on her.
Cut to the chase. Remember, this is the Cliff Notes version. Judith and her maidservant head for the Assyrian lines. They are captured and interrogated. Judith says she has some valuable information for Holofernes. Her stunning beauty is such that a hundred men are detailed to escort her and her servant directly to Holofernes. When she reaches his tent, she does a little powering groveling. Holofernes says to her: have courage, don’t be afraid, I never hurt anybody who chose to serve King Nebya, king of the whole world. Judith commences to flatter the shit out of Holofernes. He, of course, was mighty pleased that this beautiful woman thought so highly of him, and liked his prospects. After a couple of days, Holofernes figures if he doesn’t get to “know” Judith, his whole army will laugh at him. He tells his personal eunuch to set up a banquet—object: seduction. Or date rape. Holofernes plies Judith with wine, but, intoxicated by her ravishing beauty, he drinks a good deal more than is good for him, and passes out. Judith stands by the bed on which Holofernes has collapsed, and says a patriotic prayer. Then she takes down Holofernes’ own scimitar from the bedpost, grabs him by the hair, and cuts off his head in two blows. Judith and her maidservant stow Holofernes head in their food bag, sneak out of camp, and beat it back to town.
As soon as they reach town, out comes the head, and whole populace falls to blessing and praising and rejoicing. Yes, pilgrims, Judith is regarded by the home folks as a heroine for her cold-blooded act of premeditated murder, and praised as such:
“O daughter, blessed art thou of the most high God
above all the women upon the earth;
and blessed be the Lord God,
which hath created the heavens and the earth,
which hath directed thee to the cutting off
of the head of the chief of our enemies.”
“Blessed art thou in all the tabernacles of Judah,
and in all nations, which hearing thy name shall be astonished.*”
“Thou art the exaltation of Jerusalem,
Thou art the great glory of Israel,
Thou art the great rejoicing of our nation:
Thou hast done all these things by thine hand:
Thou hast done much good to Israel,
and God is pleased therewith:
blessed be thou of the Almighty Lord for evermore.
And all the people said, Amen!”
By the way, the triumphant Judith sawing off or lifting high the head of Holofernes was for centuries a favorite tableau for European painters. Rembrandt did one. Caravaggio too.
Meanwhile, back at… the “Assyrians” are thrown into confusion by the decapitation of their commander. They “withdraw” in disorder, and are slaughtered as they flee by the Israelites, some of whom stop by to occupy and loot the abandoned camp. Judith gets Holofernes stuff as her cut of the loot. Widow Judith goes back home to the farm, rests on her considerable laurels, entertains numerous suitors, but never remarries, and lives to be a hundred and five. The End.
Moral: Decapitation of your enemy—and display of the detached head—is A-OK with the Lord, as long as you’re on His side. The Bible tells us so.
*The Jerusalem Bible translates this verse as: “at the sound of your name/men will be seized with dread.”
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